A little background. Rod’s mother hates me. (It is one of the few things she remembers.) But, she is 94 so I have been “making nice” for a number of years now. We have not spent Christmas with her for a few years so I knew this year was the year. She lives about 1.5 hours from us; so, close enough to see her often but not enough to check every day. The main problem these days is that she forgets that Rod has called or that we have visited. Anyway..............we started right after Thanksgiving letting her know that we would bring Christmas dinner to her house on Christmas Day. Rod calls every couple of days to remind her and tries to get her to write it down. She refuses to do so saying she could never forget THAT and she will make the turkey. Then, three days ago she called in tears and said she would be having Christmas dinner with her sister since we never call her. She would not listen when Rod tried to explain that we had made plans with her. He called his aunt who had also gotten a tearful call about how she had not heard from us about Christmas and would they please come and get her. Rod explained and asked her to call and let her know we planned to come up for Christmas. Then he called her helper and let her know so she could keep reminding her. The last we heard she has her helper buying a turkey and the makings for stuffing and gravy. I think she has gotten the message. Just in case there is no food when we get there I bought a fully cooked ham that will only need heating. My daughter is bringing a box of instant mashed potatoes and Stovetop; I have makings for gravy. That along with my other side dishes. Really just needed to vent a little. I know it is so hard for Rod watching his mother deteriorate so badly. Sadly, her physical health is excellent so she is going to have to go into a home soon. This could end up being a battle royal when the time comes. And, we really do not have a legal leg to stand on at this point. All that said; I am sure that once we get there it will be a happy get-together. There will be 9 of us so I hope she realizes (and remembers) that she is loved. I plan to take a bunch of pictures to document that we were there. Thanks for listening.
I feel for you and your family. It's a sad thing and probably makes you want to climb in the motorhome and drive...anywhere.
I totally understand what you're going through. I had an aunt, my grandma, and now my uncle dealing with memory issues. It's tough to deal with on a regular day without throwing the stress of the holidays on top of it. For the past couple of years I have been a "friend" of my cousin's whenever I visit because I no longer can be placed in my Unca Bud's memory scheme. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but there are times when he will talk about me when I am with him. It's weird to be put in third person, but I know somewhere in that brain of his he knows who I am and that he loves me. I hope you guys are able to pull together for what could be a tough day. Smart idea to bring the ham...you just never know... Merry Christmas to you and your family. Feel free to vent anytime...you're in good company.
Loosely related, this discussion reminded me of a book I read years ago. It was an advance copy of, The Leisure Seeker. Have you read it? Or maybe saw the movie with Donald Sutherland and Helen Mirren? I haven't seen the movie yet, but in the book, this old couple head out on the open road in their old RV--one last trip, from Michigan to Disneyland in Anaheim (I think they changed a lot of things in the movie version). He has Alzheimer's and she has cancer. She decided, the hell with it, she stopped cancer treatments and they set out on their journey across country, trying to relive fond memories..... I have no idea why I mentioned that, but there it is. I am also reminded of my grandma the last time I saw her. My wife and I went to visit her in the care center. She looked right past me and smiled at my wife. They had a nice conversation. I'm not sure if she ever heard me or even knew I was there, for that matter. There was no acknowledgment. It was hurtful at the time, but I've grown to understand that she was not in her right mind.
Thank you. It does help to hear other people's stories. I think I will check out that book. Rod and I have toyed with the idea of driving the RV off a cliff when the time comes.
Merry Christmas! I often dream of getting lost (or found) on the open road. Just drive...with no connections or commitments...to see what condition my condition is in.
How did it go? I was thinking about you guys as we are having similar issues with my uncle right now. He is currently in the hospital due to a fall, and my cousins are having to seriously consider moving him into a care home because he just isn't taking care of himself on his own anymore. Luckily the independent living facility where he is at has varying levels of care, so they wouldn't have to move him TOO far away. Just a different building if they have space available.
As I predicted, all-in-all we had an enjoyable day. That is after we got the money straightened out. She felt bad that she had not been able to shop. She had piles of cards and $5 bills. She could not remember our daughter's kids' names and was trying to put $5 in each card. Then she gave our son $15. Then she asked if he had two 5's for a $10. (You had to be there but it was like a comedy skit on LaughIn or something.) She wrote checks to Rod and our daughter. We had to make sure she entered them in her register. Then she started opening the cards to put in the bills and there was already a bill in each one. She kept trying to pay our son Jerry again. If he were not an honest fellow he probably could have gotten a hundred dollars or so out of her!! She did have the turkey in the oven but it was nowhere near done and we were starving. We worked around that and finally got it up to temperature. The biggest thing, and this has been going on since the day we met, is she does not want anyone in her kitchen without her. But it was hurting her back and we kept sending her to sit down but then she would just pace around. She demanded that Rod put 2 cans of that gelatinous muck known as cranberry sauce on the relish tray in spite of the fact that I had brought homemade. After dinner she put the uneaten canned stuff in a bag and insisted that we take it home. Over all the food came out pretty tasty except for her disgusting blob of gravy. (There was nothing new here, this is how she has always made gravy.) Good thing I had a quart of broth to doctor it with. My grandson brought his new backgammon game so I kept occupied teaching him how to play. (Some teaching; the little monkey beat me both games.) We really had quite a bit of fun telling old stories and sharing pictures. It is so obvious that she cannot continue to live alone but we did not discuss it. There was a funny moment as we were packing up to leave. She asked me what I was going to do when we got home. I said, "Have a glass of wine and watch TV." Rod said she got a puzzled look like she thought she heard wrong. She did not ask me to repeat myself though. (She is a super religious teetotaler and had always assumed that no one else in the family drinks either.) She would have been surprised if she had noticed our flasks. LOL
LOL.....Sounds like something I would have done. In fact, I HAVE done. I went camping with my out-laws (who do not, under any circumstances, consume alcohol and will give you that judgmental attitude if you have a sip of wine). So, I kept a bottle of vodka with me.
I think we have all felt that way about our out-laws (I LOVE IT!!!) or in my case my mother drives me to act like Smee from time to time as well. Let's just call it a "coping mechanism".
