Originally Posted By TALL Disney Guy I was getting tears in my eyes reading this, lol ------------------ HOW TO POOP AT WORK Weve all been there but dont like to admit it. Weve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesnt know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk on in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK(P.F.N): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the where abouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON: A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANAOMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Originally Posted By wahooskipper Oh man...good thing I swallowed that sip of coffee before I started reading. Nothing like a little toilet humor to start the day. Unfortunately, we have a small office and one can usually identify the person who was in the bathroom previously just by the lingering effects of their visit...if you know what I mean. That is called the BLOODHOUND.
Originally Posted By RoadTrip The ESCAPEE must be kind of a regional thing. Up here in the land of lumberjacks it is perfectly acceptable to let a few fly while you are standing at the urinal. Doing that when you were just walking in to the restroom would be considered poor form, but the urinal is considered a safe haven. I ALWAYS do the COURTESY FLUSH!
Originally Posted By Kala ROFLMAOWTIME!! OMG! I hate doing #2 at work and I work by myself! How pathetic is that!! The Uncle Ted, LOL! I hate those, I do the camo-cough when I tinkle! wahooskipper - LOL!
Originally Posted By amazedncal2 I'll be back to read the rest later. I'm waffling between laughing and gagging>>>>>>>>>>
Originally Posted By Pixie Glitter I am so lowbrow. . .I laughed harder and longer at this than anything in recent memory. Ohhhhhhhh, my stomach muscles still hurt from laughing!!
Originally Posted By Mrs 2oon This is absolutely hilarious! The out of the closet pooper almost made me spit out my coffee onto the computer screen!
Originally Posted By TALL Disney Guy LOL, I'm so glad some others are laughin' at this---I felt a little naughty/ashamed at puttin' the "P" word in the topic title, but I was sooo rollin', LOL!
Originally Posted By avromark You simply could have typed "Number 2 at place of occupation" as the title.
Originally Posted By iluvdisneyland LOL! I need to print this out and post in Outdoor Vending's restroom... ;o)
Originally Posted By wahooskipper Hmm..how do I delicately tell this story? I'm not as careful in public restrooms as I am at work. Take, for instance, the turnpike. I won't see those guys again so I'm not going to stifle myself, if you know what I mean. After a particularly tough stop on the Florida turnpike I leave the stall and a guy gives me the look like, "man...I hope you are ok." I just move on figuring I'll never see him again. A couple of hours later at another stop I see the same guy in line at a Starbucks and he gives me a look like, "yeah...I know you." So, I'm like, gee...that was uncomfortable but that won't ever happen again. Guess who I see getting onto the monorail at the TTC at WDW? Needless to say we took the ferry boat. You can't make this...um...stuff...up.
Originally Posted By avromark <<LOL! I need to print this out and post in Outdoor Vending's restroom...>> David find a nice lady in ODV to kindly post it in the ladie's room or else only the guys will be laughing.
Originally Posted By Kar2oonMan LOL Wahoo! Your story had me laughing as much as the list. That guy is the ultimate 'Uncle Ted'! LOL!
Originally Posted By RoadTrip There's one great advantage to pooping at work... Industrial strength flushes!! The poopers where I work could take down a good sized fireplace log and a couple of rolls of toilet paper in a single flush. No messing around with a plunger in THOSE toilets!! (Just be sure to get off the seat before you hit the handle. We lost a damned good system administrator that way.) ;-)
