Originally Posted By RoadTrip I was thinking tonight about what my biggest loss was with the loss of my Rosie. Obviously I lost my companion, my lover. I lost all of the dreams we shared for the future. But do you know what the GREATEST loss was? I lost the shared memory of the past 30+ years. I no longer have anyone who knows what the early days of our marriage were like. The days we ate lots of beans and wieners and macaroni and cheese. I no longer have anyone who knows what it was like the night our daughter was born. No one who remembers with me that we watched Thursday Night football that night. No one who remembers that after San Francisco thrashed the Vikings we set out for the hospital. No one who remembers the terrible weather we had that night. No one who remembers what it was like when Rosie asked for drugs too late and could no longer have any. No one who remembers the panic in the room when they found out Rachel had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck. I no longer have anyone with the shared memories of all the wonderful and terrible events of our life. No shared memory of High School graduations. No shared memory of our son's graduation from basic training in the Navy. No shared memory of our first visit to Walt Disney World and every visit after that. No shared memory of the times we lost jobs, the times our kids were in trouble, the times our marriage seemed in jeopardy. No shared memory of the fear we felt after 9/11. No shared memory of wondering if things for us would ever be the same again. It is gone. It is all gone. I no longer have someone who shared the memories of the last 30+ years of my life. It is a HUGE hole in my existence, which will never be filled. I know there will be good times in the future. I believe there will be another person with whom I can make shared memories in the future. But every shared memory from the past 30 years is gone, never to return. Sure, I have my own memories of these times. But it is so incomplete. It is like having a key that opens no lock. There will never again be another person who knows what the last thirty years of my life was like. It is a HORRENDOUS LOSS. I know I will get past it. I know that I will have friends and perhaps lovers in the future who will give me the daily companionship and love that I so dearly desire. But there is a huge hole in my life that will never be filled. And that is just the way it is.
Originally Posted By davewasbaloo Roadtrip, while it may not be the same, I have heard of many widows and widowers who find it a useful and therapeutic time to write their memoirs. Some then burn or bury them. Others pass on copies to their kids. Others put it in the attic to be found by another. I know this is not a replacement, but I wonder if it might help?
Originally Posted By Mr X Although I can't imagine what you're going through RT, I can only express my feelings of friendship and hopeful support here...and though I figure you're simply expressing your feelings here, I was thinking along the same lines as Dave when I read what you wrote. Perhaps a great tribute to your wife would be to get some of those shared memories down on paper if you feel like doing so (obviously not if it's too hard right now)? In any case, I'm terribly sorry to hear about how painful things are for you right now. I truly am.
Originally Posted By RoadTrip <<In any case, I'm terribly sorry to hear about how painful things are for you right now. I truly am.>> It is not all bad and painful. I am really looking forward to spending the day tomorrow with Ann. I know that while I am with her none of these thoughts will dominate my thinking. But when I'm back at home, alone with Kenzie and me, I know the thoughts will return. How do you get past the loss of a person who shared and provided the validation of your life for the past 30 years? No one will ever again know those 30 years of my life like Rosie did. It might be good to close those chapters of my life and start anew. But that is impossible to do. I am a far better person now than I was when I first met Rosie. Every friendship or romance I will have for the rest of my life will be based on what my darling Rosie taught me.
Originally Posted By Mr X ***How do you get past the loss of a person who shared and provided the validation of your life for the past 30 years?*** I'm no expert, but I would guess that realizing that YOU provided happiness and validation for the final 30 years of her life too is something to be proud of and happy about when it feels possible for you to look at things that way. As with any of my posts to you RT, it's just me trying to help with thoughts here and there, but in no way can I come close to understanding what you are going through. So, please excuse me if any of my comments come off as stupid or unhelpful. I really don't know what to say but I sure do wish I could (know what to say, I mean)!
Originally Posted By Goofyernmost It isn't just the death of a spouse that can give you that feeling. I was married for 29 years until my X decided, assisted by a massive, controlling mental illness, that she no longer wanted to be married. That emptiness can never be completely filled in. The idea of writing down your thoughts and experiences is worthy of consideration. It might be painful now but it could help you cleanse those lost feelings that you are presently experiencing. I realize that my past life is just that, past. I hold the memories, some cloudy, some clear and it took me awhile to let them go and look toward the future and not desperately want the situation to reverse. It's not going too. I will find myself having a conversation with my daughters and remember something that happened in the past. I, at that point, look for the person that I shared that with for validation of that thought, but it's not possible. This is almost 9 years since our divorce. It doesn't happen all the time, but it does occasionally. Hang in there. These memories and the sorrow of your loss is still very fresh. There will come a time when you look back and feel good about those memories instead of pain. The best to you Roadie. I can tell you are going to be OK because you can openly say and even speculate about someone in your future that may once again fill that need for love and companionship. It is hard to imagine after such a loss, but your positive attitude and joy of life will lead you to happiness once again. I remember, not long ago, going out with this nice lady that was upset with me because I still have pictures, all group, that included my ex-wife. She felt that I should get rid of them. They made her feel like I hadn't let go. She was wrong in once sense because I had let go. She was correct in another sense because as I explained to her, I refuse to erase those 29 years. They were almost half my life and I had no intention of dismissing them like they never were. They were, as you have stated, hard time, good times, emotional times, joyous times, boring times, anxious times, sad times and happy times. I will not willingly let them go away. It's just too much of my life. I suspect that applies to you as well. This is an entirely new "road trip". One I'm sure will have a happy and warm final destination. Bon Voyage!
Originally Posted By DlandDug RT - You are right. You can't deny that loss. Things will never be the same, and yet, you have probably heard the phrase "new normal" and that is what you are heading toward...a new normal. I heartily agree, and in fact think it is non-negotiable, that you write these shared memories down. Write them as letters to Rosie if that helps. But don't let them fade away. Your daughter will want to know that side of you and know her mom as not just a mom, but also as a wife and person. There are so many, many wonderful stories that my parents shared (they knew eachother from the time they were 12 and 13 and, although they didn't fall in love until after college, they still had so many, many memories. ) My mother was a writer, so we have some of the earlier days from her, and my dad wrote some as well, or he told them to us and I've wriiten some down. These days, with both of them gone, it drives me crazy that I can't remember the name of the psychic that lived next door to my dad's house growing up, or the play he was going to do with Phil Silvers...I so wish he had written these down. You must write them. If you don't write (and you do and can, as we have seen on LP) you can get a tape recorder and talk them out. My dad was always the one with a foot in the grave, literally from the first heart attack at 46 we thought he only had a few years. He ended up living until he was 75. My mom, who was always healthy (or, just didn't see a doctor or tell people when she wasn't feeling well) died 12 years before him. He did change. He was always a little less than who he had been with her. But he found a new normal and he did find happiness. He even dated a bit -- getting out with friends is important. Sadly, nothing can make the time go faster. But you have all of us and your other friends, so keep sharing - but also, keep writing.
Originally Posted By DlandDug While I would like to be able to claim the above, it was written by my beloved DlandJB.
Originally Posted By TINK-MOBILE Roadtrip...I can really feel the hurt your heart is going thru in the words you speak, I believe it would be good for you to go into a lil church by your self or with a friend nd ask God to help you thru this time in your life , you may find that his presence will help you, perhaps ,this lil church may be the quiet spot in your home, where you did a lot of reflecting or another place where you may feel comfortable in your surroundings,, perhaps if you did go to a church , there maybe someone there who would share and provide you with a much needed professional path , to help you thru this storm you are battling, for every door that is closed , God opens a window , you shall never walk alone, as you look down in onto the grains of sand , you shall see but one set of footprints, for they shall not be your own, but those of the Lord that shall carry you, give your burdens to to HIM, Dear Friend, his path shall lead you to softer greener pastures, you are never alone with your memories, your Rosie in spirit shall always be with you, your life is full of friends that love and care about you deeply,, they all are so eager to see you soon and thru this weathering time,, we all want only the best for you, I pray that someone with the Gift of helping others thru this unprepared stage of your life shall come forward as softly as the morning son that slowly enters our day, then into yours to help you, thru, if only one thing or a speck of one thing , i have said helps you in anyway, what a blessing that would be....Listen to your heart Road Trip, that lil voice we all so often hear, for that voice is the key that shall guide you, thru this storm you are in...see you soon in disney, even for a second of one moment , shall be a special one...to remember.. smiles and hugs from the tink-mobile... in closing Roadtrip...always remember.. I Believe....Dear Friend .....That.. You'll never walk alone...with the Lord at your side , whether you believe or not believe, we all, shall always be with you here on LP..: )
Originally Posted By Lady Starlight Trippy, My heart aches for you. I'm sorry there aren't any words of comfort that will ease what you feel inside. All I can offer you on here is a virtual hug and an ear to listen, until I can ( if you will allow me, of course) give you a big hug in person. Good days and bad days..One day at a time.In time though, your good days will far out number the bad ones. {{{{RT}}}}
Originally Posted By iamsally I feel for you RT. And I feel what Goofyernmost said. It is these feelings, and so many things in common,and the thought of trying to share those things with someone new; that have helped keep Rod and I together in rough times. We were separated a couple of times years ago. I dated a bit and the guys would get furious because Rod was still so much a part of my life. We had 5 kids and were not about to do the two Holidays, two graduation parties etc. thing. So the separations didn't work out. I know the day will come for one of us to adjust to this kind of loss. I hope we can do it with repose. >>>>they knew eachother from the time they were 12 and 13 and, although they didn't fall in love until after college, they still had so many, many memories<<<< WOW, my parents met in Jr. High. And did not get together until college. They were married 56 years when my father died. That was in 2000 and my mother never moved on. She spends most of her time looking at old pictures and talking about Dad like he just stepped out to buy bread. Maybe it was how she has coped but I always find it sad. Treasure the memories, good and not-so-good. I can only imagine how hard it is but I think of you often and always wish you the very best. Ruthie
Originally Posted By Witches of Morva ORDDU: What a terrible time this has to be for you, dear. I hope you have good friends who are supporting you through it all. There are so many souls out there who's hearts are deeply hurt by the very same situation, along with other hurtful losses. If there is anyone you know who can be there for you, let them know you need to lean on them. Don't hesitate to reach out for the healing process you need. Telling your Laughing Place friends is a good start. Obviously you have a community, here, who cares. You also need 'in person' contact. I hope you can take some small comfort in knowing you're not entirely alone. If you could find others who have been through similar circumstances, they might be willing to spend time with you because they already know what it's like. You will eventually find a way to ease your pain. Prayer is more important than ever at the moment. Bless your heart for knowing what it's like to love.
Originally Posted By murfsmom RT-those memories will always be in your heart, they will make you smile,laugh,cry,I think you should write them down and share them with your kids and they would have something to remember you both by in later years. Your still going through a lot of emotions and there will be all kinds of things that will trigger laughter and tears. It's going to take time,It's not something that happens over night,keep busy,thats the key, the more you allow your self to sit around the more depressed you get. I'm so glad your coming to the meet, it's just what you need, a change of scenery and meeting new friends. I for one am in line along with a lot of others for a big hug !! Remember to just take"one day at a time" and it will get better. See you soon ! murfsmom
Originally Posted By onlyme RT...I love my wife more than anything. We've been married almost 20 years. Your post really got to me. I'll be feeling the same way if something should ever happen to her. She's the ONLY one who really 'knows' me and the ONLY one who's been with me through the good and the bad of the last 20 years. I'm sorry that you're having to go thru this pain. Take care
Originally Posted By WestWind Roadtrip, I read your post this morning but the emotions you managed to put in writing made it difficult to reply to at that time. I think you have identified a part of losing someone that is hard to see. There are lots of good words from people that care in this post. I can not add anything better or anything that will take the pain away, but I do care and wish you all the best.
Originally Posted By LuLu RT, thanks for sharing your thoughts with us so eloquently. It's truly a great loss, and irreplaceable.
Originally Posted By disneylandfan8 RT, you perfectly described the biggest thing that a surviving spouse can experience. I hadn't thought of this right away when I lost my Steve. Memories come up daily and I try to share them with my family as much as I can. But I agree with the advice of writing them down, if you can. Writing them down will be reliving them, but it will keep her memory alive in your heart and mind. {{{{RT}}}}}
Originally Posted By beamerdog Big hugs, RT. and Goofyr - my ex and I were together 40, 35+ of them married when we split up. It doesn't make sense to me to "erase" all of my life. And I wouldn't expect anyone else to do the same. I hope today finds you a little less sad and I hope each day does.
