Originally Posted By mawnck Welcome to the Mawnckscars, the annual internet event in which I, an animation fan, parentheses overuser, run-on sentence constructor, and internationally famous LP grouch, review more or less all the animated features released during the year in the USA, ranked in order of ascending non-suckage. I ATTEMPT to include all the movies eligible for the Best Animated Feature Oscar, all the movies that theoretically could have been but weren't, and other select features that landed in the vicinity of central Orange County, CA during calendar year 2013. I watch 'em so you don't have to, as well as to identify and report on the ones that you really, really do. On this list, the movies officially declared eligible for the Oscar have numerical rankings. Since the Oscar submission list didn't come out until November, I ended up going to see several movies that it turned out weren't on it. These movies (and several that I saw just for the hell of it) are listed at their appropriate spot in the rankings, but without a number. If you go over that first paragraph again, you'll notice a cataclysmic word has been inserted in there, in all caps. Yes, it is "attempt". Due to circumstances beyond my control, I missed TWO of them on the official list, dang it, and was unable to obtain copies using other measures, even sneaky ones. The first one was an honest miss - I suspect there was a mistake in the Google Movies listings but I can't be sure - while the second was torpedo'd by a mid-December bout with chicken pox that lasted for the movie's entire qualifier run (and then some). "The Fake" is a Korean hand-drawn that they tell me is about a squinty outcast guy taking on a corrupt village priest, a terribly dark, depresssing film with definite anti-religion overtones. The reviews seem to indicate that it's interesting, but not a contender. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://digitaljournal.com/article/362535">http://digitaljournal.com/article/362535</a> (That's the Korean trailer. The English one tells you nothing.) It broke my itchy red-polka-dotted heart to miss "O Apóstolo", a stop-motion gothic horror movie from Spain, with a score by Phillip Glass. Not many reviews around for this one. The LA Times said it was "nifty" but it wasn't scary and it tended to meander. But it sure looks cool: <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://oapostolo.com/pelicula/trailer/">http://oapostolo.com/pelicula/trailer/</a> So yeah, basically the two Satanic movies. Is God trying to tell me something? Perhaps She is. And I have an announcement. I love animation as an art form. I love the huge variety it entails. I enjoy discovering awesome movies that I wouldn't get to see otherwise. I love sitting through wrong-headed trainwrecks and ruminating on why they don't work, or at least coming up with new turns of phrase to tell you how much they suck. And I love the whole "gotta catch 'em all" aspect, made more convenient by the Academy's annual submission and eligibility lists. With this year's two exasperating exceptions, I have caught 'em all, one way or another, for several years running now. As many of you know (so this is not really a spoiler), I have been thoroughly disenchanted with most of the mainstream movies this year, in which the "huge variety" theory has collapsed into a seemingly nonstop slog through focus-grouped sludge. Animation may not be a genre, but the movies really are starting to all look the same. Many a time this year I've pompously declared that I've had it with the whole mess and I don't even want to do the Mawnckscars anymore. Of course, I didn't really mean it. Well, the decision has been made for me. Due to a recent financial setback with long-term implications, it would not only be masochistic, but downright irresponsible, for me to continue regularly driving to Encino, or even Orange, to sit through mediocre movies I'm just not that interested in, on the chance that I might be wrong. I'll still hopefully see the ones that I think I'll enjoy, most likely after checking the reviews of certain trusted critics. And if I have to, I will collect cans and bottles to make sure I can drive to Encino, Van Nuys, or even (God forbid) Lancaster to see the latest Happy Science flick. (I'm told one is on the way - and it involves space lizards!) But barring a Mega Millions win or some other money-gushing miracle, I won't be catching 'em all after the new year, even though I am now allegedly immune to chicken pox. Whether the Mawnckscars live on in truncated form, I guess, will depend on how many movies they can convince me that I really do want to see. And to be honest, after this year, it's going to take a lot of convincing. I know it's not cool to compare stupid stuff (like deliberately watching irritatingly bad movies) to the Bataan Death March. But I confess that the exact thought did cross my mind about an hour into "The Legend of Sarila" … and "The Legend of Sarila" isn't even in the bottom 5! Probably time for a new hobby when that sort of thing happens, ne? TL;DR: No, I'm NOT going to see "The Nut Job". You can't make me, you can't make me, you can't make me! <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZUqV5SUl6c">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...qV5SUl6c</a> Hokay, let's get on with it. As that signpost in The Wizard Of Oz says, "I'd turn back if I were you." After hearing how much I disliked most of the major releases, you'll be amazed at how many of the indies and foreign films ended up EVEN LOWER on the list.
Originally Posted By mawnck --. Last Flight of the Champion A sci-fi outer-space CGI adventure. Neddie Nerfhoffer, a naive short young bug-turtle thing, has dreams of battling the evil warlord General Disdain and his planet-enslaving armada, but the military won't accept him because he's too scrawny. So Ned rounds up a crew of similarly undersized creatures of assorted species. They conveniently stumble across a forgotten space battlecruiser with a holographic autopilot, and off they go to save the galaxy, despite all of them having absolutely no competence whatsoever in even the basic rudiments of space travel, personal hygiene, or coherent sentence structure. Thus, ironically, mirroring the movie itself. While it's obvious that the budget here was a big problem (I'm guessing it was something in the neighborhood of $300), there's really no point in even starting to tell you everything else that's wrong here. Because it's EVERYTHING. First frame to last, they did absolutely NOTHING well, by any budgetary standard. It does veer into "so bad it's good" territory on occasion (the plot holes are staggering), and thus is a potential candidate for a MST3K party, if you're the sort to have such things. But if you try to watch it by yourself, your brain will start banging on your skull and demanding to be let out. It never ran in LA County (close doesn't count), so it's not eligible for the Oscar. Believe it or not, this movie is STILL not quite as bad as "The Lion of Judah". <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.lastflightofthechampion.com/trailer.htm">http://www.lastflightofthecham...iler.htm</a> (Side note: The movie is not a bad Star Wars ripoff, although the trailer makes it look like it. It would've been an improvement if it were.) --. Foodfight! Since all awards shows are just corrupt political shams anyway, I have no qualms about including "Foodfight!" in the Mawnckscars, despite its never being shown in an American theater. It deserves this honor by being the most infamous trainwreck in animated feature history, thanks to articles like this one: <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.nytimes.com/2013/08/11/movies/the-rise-and-fall-of-the-computer-animated-foodfight.html">http://www.nytimes.com/2013/08...ght.html</a> It was to be a low-budget but high-star-power mo-cap feature about a dog detective and a slew of actual product-placed advertising icons, literally battling for grocery store shelf-space against a Nazi-esque "Brand X" generic army, led by an excessively sexy femme fatale. The director was, let's say, "not the best choice", and production was eventually halted after years of slurping down investors' money with little to show for it. The unfinished movie sat on the shelf for several more years until finally popping up on streaming video - with many scenes still obviously unfinished and many obvious product placements unplaced - in February. It makes a case study in the so-bad-it's-good genre. Yes, its a DREADFUL movie. Yes, the humor is tasteless, age-inappropriate (parents be warned!), and often so staggeringly unfunny that it's funny how unfunny it is. Yes, the animation and art direction are so butt-ugly that you get totally squicked out. BUT the plot makes at least a little sense most of the time, the pacing is about 75% OK, the score is (believe it or not) excellent, the voice actors (especially Eva Longoria) are clearly having a blast chewing up the scenery, and even when things are totally off the rails, they are at least *entertainingly* off the rails. In short, it's consistently fun to watch. And as such, it's the only movie on this end of the list that I'd actually recommend, as long as you understand what you're getting into. And thus, we have our case study: A movie that is *famous* for being one of the worst animated features of all time, rather than *actually* being one of the worst animated features of all time. In fact, it is, in every conceivable respect, better than "Last Flight of the Champion" - which, being an indie production by an obscure American studio, is getting praised in some quarters just for existing, by people who obviously haven't had the misfortune of watching it. Show biz is weird. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uROQ9nplxIY">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...Q9nplxIY</a> --. Silver Circle The US is in economic collapse! An underground cell of hipster freedom fighters (that also manufactures illegal silver coins as an alternative currency, hence the title) convinces a rogue Fed agent to help them take down the evil Fed chairman and Save Our Country! In other words, someone from the Ron Paul nutjob brigade bought themselves some software and made a no-budget theatrical animated movie. It is, of course, a brainless, simplistic Ayn Randian screed of totally good guys vs. totally bad guys, full of angry orations and depictions of comically Orwellian oppression by The Man. The probably-mo-capped CGI animation is so limb-flailingly awful that such trivialities as plot and script are pretty much beside the point anyway. This movie had the potential to be amusingly bonkers, had they gone full-Libertarian-apocalypse with it, but they didn't. Mostly it's just dull and dopey, and could have just as easily been made in live action, with marginally better results. Only in a few scenes does it come within shouting distance of the magnificent, relentless ineptness of "Last Flight" and "Foodfight!". I missed the theatrical run (thanks AGAIN, Google Movies), but it was my understanding that it would have been Oscar eligible had they submitted it. Not that it had a snowball's chance. Because of course, THE NWO!!!!!! <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7UFcHLWMd9s">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...cHLWMd9s</a> --. The Snow Queen Yeah. The Snow Queen. Seems that when Disney announced that they were doing an adaptation, a company in Russia swung into action to do its own butt-ugly low-budget CGI version, which allegedly was going to be more true to the original (Russian!) fairy tale, because how could it not be? This is one of those movies that just blithely bounces from plot point to plot point without bothering with reason or motivation, occasionally dropping the ball so badly that major plot complications just evaporate. (At one point Gerta and her friends are apparently plunging to their deaths from a great height, and then next thing you know, they're walking around on the ground, safe and sound. Weird.) Like many foreign attempts at aping Hollywood CGI, it has a motley assortment of ineptly applied kids' movie tropes (adorable small animal buddy, random fart jokes, annoying sidekick to beat the crap out of and overemphasize in the trailer - not that Disney would EVER do that). It ran in several markets in mid-October as a weekend matinee, but it never showed up in LA County proper. So no Oscar shot. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJrTHEDgHfY">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...THEDgHfY</a>
Originally Posted By mawnck --. Primates of the Caribbean (a/k/a Marco Macaco) This dubbed, mostly-monkey-cast CGI flick from Denmark (!) is about Marco, the inept beach patrol officer of a tinpot dictatorship island nation, who ends up taking on (follow me here) a mad scientist ape who sets up an unauthorized casino on the beach that's really a giant hypnosis-ray robot in disguise. Ugly, cheap, sloppily plotted and not at all funny, this movie has an extra-special problem not found in the others: It's unintentionally racist. The last minute title change, which has little to do with the movie, appears to have been an attempt to dial this back a bit (as well as attract more attention from both the general public and the Disney legal team), but there are still some scenes in the movie that are just … wow. This masterpiece ran exactly one time at that theater in Encino a few weeks ago, for reasons that even the theater employees couldn't explain. Whoever paid the theater to run it didn't actually show up to see it. But it WAS raining ... <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ab53887XlRs">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...3887XlRs</a> --. The Suicide Shop French (subtitled) flash animated film about a family-owned store that specializes in nooses, guns, poisons, razor blades, black widows and cobras, seppuku swords, and anything else the would-be suicide victim might need to carry out his own demise. However, the family business is disrupted with the arrival of a manically cheerful son, who schemes to snap his family and their clientele out of their doldrums. And it's a musical! And it's got a unique, cartoony 2D art style that fits the material wonderfully! And … it SUCKS. I wanted to like this one so bad, but the story is trite and unconvincing, the flash animation is cheap-looking, and the songs are dull, tuneless, and all sound exactly alike. The third act in particular goes totally off the rails, with several sudden plot developments that don't make a lick of sense, in context or out. There's some fun twisted humor early on as the store's clients off themselves, but otherwise it's just a big amateurish mess with some fairly nice character design. I don't think even goths with low expectations would like it very much. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tmptL7rXJw0">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...tL7rXJw0</a> --. Welcome to the Space Show I THINK this hand-drawn Anime was intended for younger kids, but if so, boy did they blow it. A group of school kids of various ages are camping out in their country schoolhouse, which is closed for the summer (yeah, I'm confused too) when they are whisked away into space by a friendly talking dog-looking thing who turns out to be an alien botanist investigating an extremely rare and terrifyingly powerful plant that's extinct everywhere but on Earth. (SPOILER: It's wasabi.) They spend the first 110 minutes (!!!!!) of the movie just hanging out in space, taking in the gaudy Anime outer space scenery, and making new funky-looking friends, and then the shark waves a friendly flipper as the movie does a graceful flying somersault over his tank. An evil alien who runs an outer-space traveling TV show asteroid thingy (yeah, I'm confused too) kidnaps the youngest girl for a diabolical experiment, and a convoluted, violent, poorly directed battle ensues, with the terrified little girl in life-threatening peril the whole time. At this point, the movie becomes totally unsuitable for anyone who was young enough to enjoy the rest of it, in addition to being suddenly confusing and hard to follow, with important plot points being yelled out over the din of the explosions. The fact that all this *starts* right about the point when you're REALLY wishing the movie would just end already, adds injury to insult. And anyway, the whole outer space thing here, while fairly inventive, isn't THAT inventive relative to some of the animated sci-fi competition. No Oscar attempt here - it's too old. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPcfHESdnT8">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...fHESdnT8</a> 17. The Legend of Sarila FINALLY we've gotten to the actual Oscar submissions. This is a low-budget Canadian CGI production, based on Inuit folktales of the great white north. An evil shaman ticks off a sexy mermaid goddess person, who gets revenge by making all the animals (other than sled dogs and adorable small animal buddies) disappear, thus drying up the food supply. Three intrepid teens from the starving village, and the aforementioned dogs and small animal (I think it's supposed to be a lemming), set off across the ice and snow for the magical, mythical land of Sarila to fetch food. One of the teens in question turns out to be a budding shaman himself, which is a good thing, because the bad shaman keeps zapping them with spells and stuff. And thus the movie goes. The bad shaman sends a spell, it kicks the kids' butts, the good shaman kid calls for his magical glowing owl protector Ukpik, and Ukpik shows up and bails them out. Lather rinse repeat. Plot holes galore, zero tension, zero laughs (despite numerous pathetic attempts), zero explanation as to what the bad shaman's problem is or what he's trying to accomplish, and zero info about just how far it is to Sarila to determine if the twerps are making any progress or not. This movie left me cold. (See what I did there?) <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GvsExrARHnI">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...ExrARHnI</a> --. Walking with Dinosaurs And here we are at the first entry in the mainstream focus-grouped sludge-fest. This is a CGI dinosaur movie in a sorta kinda realistic style with live-action backgrounds. Hey, that's a great idea, why didn't Disney think of it? Patchi the dinosaur is the runt of the litter. His parents get eaten and his bullying big brother becomes the incompetent head of the herd. Will Patchi find it within himself to take charge and lead the herd through the ever-present dangers? Why, with the help of his cute dinosaur girlfriend Juniper and his Mexican-accented bird sidekick Alex … oh God please just make it stop! The creaky story isn't the big problem here, though. It's the script. NON-STOP yakking and wisecracking for the entire 80 minutes of the movie. It's stunning how much blathering they pack into this thing, with about 95% of it being totally unnecessary to follow the story. How bad is it? Well, when there's nothing else to talk about, voiceover Patchi and voiceover Alex argue about who's supposed to be narrating. That's how bad it is. The visuals are neat, but it's absolutely impossible to enjoy them. Not submitted to the Oscars, I guess because those are REAL dinosaurs, dang it. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lk12RTnXEw">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...12RTnXEw</a>
Originally Posted By mawnck 16. Epic In a plot suspiciously reminiscent of Ferngully, teen girl goes to live in woods with crazy biologist father, finds miniature civilization in woods, gets accidentally shrunk, joins them, saves the day. OK. That's it. I'm really going to have to step in here and put a stop to this. Robots, Meet the Robinsons, Rise of the Guardians, and now this. So now everybody listen up. If you have a William Joyce project in production (like, say, Dinosaur Bob), JUST STOP. Stop it right now. Shut 'er down. Nothing good will come of it. He's a jinx for some reason. I'm sure Joyce's books are simply magical, and I know that his "Fantastic Flying Books" short is pretty awesome, but for some reason, every WJ feature ends up being a big preachy bundle of movie cliches and messy plotlines that just adds up to theatrical tedium. This one has additional problems: Some truly dreadful scriptwriting, disappointing art direction (compared to other recent eye-candy flicks), and occasionally lousy voice acting. (Beyoncé? Really?) And it suffers from that hoary old plot deficiency that continually dogs Disney's Tinker Bell series, namely, why do the characters in charge keep giving earth-shaking civilization-threatening life-or-death responsibilities to the single biggest screw-up in town? But I did like the three-legged dog … <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPnSC4stKC4">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...SC4stKC4</a> 15. Planes Eisnerian cheapquel swill. They didn't even try. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ch39vLdQi1g">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...9vLdQi1g</a> 14. Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2 In preparation for the sequels, I usually rewatch the originals, and I had forgotten what a good movie the first one was here. It successfully hit the quirky, satirical, fourth-wall-bending tone that the Despicable Me movies try for and miss, and without sacrificing story and character. Which is why it pains me to tell you that the sequel is TERRIBLE. If you've seen the trailer, you've seen literally all there is that's worth seeing … a string of elaborately illustrated food/animal puns. Everything else is Planes-level lazy, just killing time with a phoned-in, relentlessly predictable paint-by-numbers story, art direction that substitutes density for quality, and lead characters who have undergone a total interesting-ectomy since the first movie. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzkAFDwllPQ">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...AFDwllPQ</a> 13. Puella Magi Madoka Magica Part 3: Rebellion The universe having reset at the end of Part 2 (because of course it did), our magical girls are now living idyllic lives attending high school and battling relatively wussy nightmare wraiths … but Homura notices something is amiss and mounts an investigation, eventually discovering the Terrible Truth that will lead her to her greatest battle, against the shadowy forces of plushy evil, her friends, and of course herself. This Anime, based on a TV series (parts 1 and 2 were a theatrical re-edit of said series), is the most "what were they thinking" of the Oscar submissions. It contains one brilliant battle sequence where two of the girls are blasting away at each other with dozens of automatic weapons at more-or-less point-blank range. Some animators really earned their paycheck with that one. But the rest of the movie is just a sensory onslaught, filling the screen with as much colorful crud as possible while they play really REALLY loud music. They explain very little, relying on the audience to have already watched the series and to know the characters and situation. Plus, the writer is apparently a fan of twist endings, since the last 25 minutes have about 10 of them in rapid-fire succession. (No, you're wrong! No, you're wrong again!) After all these years, I've gotten pretty good at deciphering Anime plot lines, but after twist #6 or so, I got too confused and just gave up. Anyone who's not a card-carrying Anime otaku (including the Academy's nominating committee) will HATE this thing, and justifiably so. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xk2A3zKYIrI">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...A3zKYIrI</a> (That's it??? Oh fer ...) 12. The Smurfs 2 Even though the Academy declared the first one ineligible for Best Animated Feature (for unstated and still unclear reasons), they submitted this one anyway. I assume it's in, since I haven't heard different. Evil wizard Gargamel creates two new evil(ish) Smurf-like creatures to convince Smurfette to betray her, um, countrymen. It's better than the first one, and thus better than I expected. But it's still a big hyperactive steaming pile of smurf. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgnwpGTGZEo">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...wpGTGZEo</a> 11. Khumba Khumba is a zebra born with an un-striped butt. You know the drill … They wouldn't let poor Khumba play in any zebra games. They also accuse him of causing a drought with his evil un-stripeyness. And then his mom dies, because why not? So Khumba breaks off from the herd to find a magical stripe-producing water hole he's heard tell of, picks up several thirsty animal friends along the way, participates in some perfunctory Bambi-esque anti-human-propaganda subplots, faces down the evil leopard alone, and jeez is this thing over yet? This CGI feature is from the same South African studio that brought you "Adventures in Zambezia" last year, which was much better. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-cbM0NVs9o">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...bM0NVs9o</a>
Originally Posted By mawnck 10. A Letter to Momo This hand-drawn Anime was in last year's Mawnckscars, but it seems they've gone and gotten it eligible for the Oscars this year. To recap, three moronic guardian demon thingys, that only 11 year old Momo can see, are sent down from heaven by her late father to allegedly look after her, but they're such inept buffoons that they end up making her life a living hell. My opinion of it hasn't changed - a 5-tissue tearjerker ending that's been bolted onto an excessively long and tedious Japanese Three Stooges movie. But at least it's not mainstream focus-grouped sludge. Some dingbat critics adored this movie, so it could get nominated, which will set off much headdesking in Mawnck-land. It DID get nominated for Best Feature at the Annie Awards. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNYIb9Ui2T0">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...Ib9Ui2T0</a> --. My Little Pony: Equestria Girls In this flash animated 2D musical, neophyte pony princess Twilight Sparkle must venture into the alternate-dimension world of humans and become a human herself to retrieve her stolen magic crown from an antisocial pony/human miscreant, or else loosely specified cosmic catastrophies will result. She winds up at a high school where she meets her pony friends' human doppelgangers, and we all learn a sledgehammer-subtle lesson about acceptance and school spirit, accompanied by a relentless aural and visual onslaught of Skittle-colored sugary sweetness. It's aimed squarely at a narrow target audience of girls in grade school who like pink and purple stuff, and it provides precious little exposition for those viewers (like myself) unfamiliar with the TV show it's based on. BUT, it's not that hard to pick up the gist, and in the end, it's very good for what it is - that being a very long commercial for a new toy line of pony-people dolls by Hasbro™. (See also: The Disney™ Fairies™ movies.) It drops the plot-ball on occasion, but it also sports a couple decent bubblegummy musical numbers, and assumes the mental age of the audience is 14 rather than 6. Not Oscar eligible, for although it appeared in numerous theaters across the country before the DVD dropped, none of its LA County runs were for a full week. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3hBtBibN_M">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...BtBibN_M</a> --. Escape from Planet Earth Back in space again. Nerdy blue alien Gary has to rescue his foolhardy astronaut brother Scorch from a power-mad US Army guy on Earth. This 3D CGI flick, made by a Canadian studio for the Weinstein Company, is a tolerable time-killer for the kids, with occasional (albeit infrequent) flickers of satirical brilliance for the older folks. Animation fans with good memories for unmemorable films will notice striking similarities to "Planet 51" (the visuals) and "Monsters vs. Aliens" (the plot), and everyone else will recognize Scorch as a Buzz Lightyear clone. But mostly, everyone will wonder how it is that they've never heard of this movie, even though it got a genuine wide release in mid-February. Really. It did. Over 3300 screens. Look it up for yourself. (Update: Everyone is also wondering why they didn't bother submitting it to the Oscars.) <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q1NhAUsyslk">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...hAUsyslk</a> 9. Despicable Me 2 A simplistic, noisy, crowd-pandering, plot-holey mess of a movie, which should be no surprise to anyone who saw the first one (which I did not like at all, by the way). The fact that it has way too many story threads stuffed into it is a common problem with animated sequels in general. (The three stepdaughters Gru picked up in the first movie, for instance, must be included in the story despite being totally superfluous here.) Gru's new love interest, Lucy, is the most poorly realized major character in a recent major release. She's hyper-bonkers-ditzy-annoying, with no apparent backstory to explain or inform her bizarre behavior, or how she managed to land a gig as a super-spy. The animators, apparently realizing that they had nothing to work with, decided to just borrow a fully realized character from another movie, who was also voiced by a comedienne. Result: Lucy's movements, mannerisms, facial expressions, are all a human version of … Dory. Yeah, from Finding Nemo. I found Lucy's constant visual Dory-isms so flagrant and distracting (you CAN'T un-see them) that I couldn't even attempt to get into the story for any portion of the movie in which she was onscreen, which was most of it. TL;DR: If you're unamused by those stupid minions, unmoved by the three superfluous generic orphan kids, uninterested in the story, and un-sold by Gru's budding romance with crazy-Dory-bot-woman, then there really isn't much for you here, other than an opportunity to try out a new headache remedy afterwards. (You also might be me.) Still, it's a tad better than Escape From Planet Earth. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HwXbtZXjbVE">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...btZXjbVE</a> See if I'm kidding about Lucy and Dory. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y99CWLfkq1g">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...CWLfkq1g</a> 8. Rio 2096: A Story of Love and Fury With a title like this, you kind of figure you're in trouble, huh. It's a hand-drawn feature from Brazil. Our lead character is a 600-year-old Highlander sort of dude who keeps finding himself on the losing sides of historic Brazilian battles against the forces of oppression. His hot activist-minded girlfriend keeps being reincarnated in each of the battle zones (resulting in lots of nekkedness and PG-13 boinking), and they and their oppressed colleagues keep getting their butts kicked in the various uprisings (resulting in lots of spurting blood and other goriness). She gets killed, he turns into a bird until the next battlezone, he finds her again, sex and slaughter ensue, lather rinse repeat. The final segment has them in Rio's future, terrorizing rich businesspeople who have monopolized the supply of drinking water, hence the title. Aside from the budget-constrained (albeit decent) hand-drawn animation and repetitiveness, the movie has a more serious problem. The filmmakers are admirably passionate about their subject matter, which I suppose must be pretty resonant with Brazilians who are up on their history, and the message seems to be that you must keep standing up against oppression. But what they actually end up conveying is the exact opposite, because it does no good whatsoever and you're only going to get yourself gruesomely killed, tortured, raped, etc., unless you're immortal and can turn into a bird. Memo to Brazilian women named Janaína: If some weird red and black bird shows up and starts chirping at you, konk it with a rock and head for the hills. WARNING! Trailer is NSFW (especially if you pause it at just the right time): <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qd3q9fN_JL4">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...q9fN_JL4</a>
Originally Posted By mawnck --. Kirikou and the Men and the Women Another winner of a title, amirite? French sequel to "Kirikou and the Sorceress". Kirikou is a very, very (oh, hell, FREAKISHLY) small baby boy who lives in a primitive African village, but he's smart, clever, speaks fluent French (with subtitles), and despite being a baby, he can run really fast. This flick features several short stand-alone folksy stories about how Kirikou's cleverness saves the village, seemingly every few days, from various crises, most of which are caused by the evil hermit sorceress who lives outside of town with her inept henchpeople, a bunch of squarish robotic totem monster thingys. Like the first Kirikou movie, this one has spiffy quasi-African art direction. Unlike the first Kirikou movie, which was gorgeously hand-drawn, this one appears to be animated in Flash (in 3D, no less), and the computery-ness of the look kind of ruins the whole handmade Kirikou vibe. Digitized Kirikou is only mildly diverting, and occasionally a tad tedious. It's not a bad flick, exactly, just kind of disappointing. Oh yeah, there's TONS of National Geographic-y nudity in this movie, including Kirikou himself, who doesn't wear a stitch. I was a little surprised that they didn't try to get it Oscar qualified. Next year, perhaps? WARNING! Trailer is NSFW: <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Mv6xWq0omc">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...6xWq0omc</a> --. Consuming Spirits Well, if you want something TOTALLY original in your animated features, this is it. Though as you may have noticed in past years, I'm reporting from deep, deep within the "weird and artsy is not the same thing as good" camp. An essentially one-man, 15-year production combining several very un-digital animation styles (mostly cutouts), this complex, bizarre, very serious, very adult film focuses on three residents of a backwoods town who become involved in the mysterious disappearance of a nun. The backstory and relationships of the three are the subject matter here, but this is not immediately obvious, and I sat through over half of the film glancing at my watch before I realized that it actually was leading somewhere and I should pay more attention - and yes, I do blame the movie for this, for being too incoherent for too long. The art style is hideous (deliberately so). And the movie is, sorry to say when the guy spent 15 years on it, much too long. The ending is satisfying, but very talky-explainy. All that being said, it is an impressive, bravely original piece of work, with a touching and unpredictable story (once it comes together) and some fabulous voice acting. Not submitted, no doubt because the guy is too po'. NOT FOR KIDS! <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5xXAPZ7Hybo">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...APZ7Hybo</a> --. A Monster in Paris In this 3D medium-budget CGI French production, a lab accident results in a scary-looking but friendly 7-foot-tall singing flea on the loose in Paris circa 1910, and it's up to a motley trio of characters (including your inevitable big-eyed spunky skinny CGI chick) to protect him from the evil police commissioner. Sadly, it sounds a lot more promising than it turned out. It has its magical moments - especially where music is involved. The fabulous Vanessa Paradis has a singing role in both languages, and the songwriter is the guy from The Triplets of Belleville. (I bought the CD!) It also has a smattering of individually hilarious gags scattered about. But dang it, the story just never gels. It never works up enough interest or sense of danger, even in the big climactic scenes. And hey, you know when some CGI flicks roll the credits, and start showing you some hand-drawn production art, and it's 5000% more interesting and expressive than the movie you just watched? Well you will NEVER see a more heartbreaking example of that than this. Lord have mercy that stuff was glorious. I SO wanted to see THAT movie instead of this one! This sucker was first released in France in 2011, and thus is past its Oscar sell-by date. It's readily available on home video in the US, albeit with only the English soundtrack, headdesk, headdesk. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lvN4A6PgSW4">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...4A6PgSW4</a> Here's Vanessa and the flea, in the (musically superior) French version of the best part of the whole movie. You should click this link *right now*. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Z-NbQvhzKM">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...NbQvhzKM</a> 7. Turbo The racing snail movie, which is all you need to know. Another piece of well-made Dreamworks "product" (read: focus-grouped sludge), higher on the list than it probably deserves because this year sucks. If this were last year, it would've been at #10, right behind "Madagascar 3". Its pandering to the Hispanic audience (who apparently didn't show up anyway) gets a bit annoying at times, but other than that, it's a perfectly good, entertaining time-waster and babysitter, if such you be seeking. It should have done much better at the box-office than it did. (Sorry to say, "Planes" made more money!) <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9Q3c98IMZg">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...3c98IMZg</a> 6. Free Birds This was my pleasant surprise of the year, which is an understatement, because the trailer makes it look just ghastly. Two turkeys go back in time to stop the first Thanksgiving dinner from happening. They stumble upon an advanced civilization of turkeys, find a spunky significant other for the nerdy one, take on the bad guy, ruin everything, then pull themselves up by the giblets to save the … wait haven't we seen this kind of thing a thousand times already? Why, yes, yes we have (as recently as #16 on this list, as a matter of fact), and this movie doesn't deserve to be #6 on any list of anything. BUT this is 2013 and the pickin's are slim. And for all its flaws, this is a funny, moderately creative, moderately *intelligent* comedy movie that doesn't feel *entirely* utilitarian and stale and pandery. This in spite of the fact that it has more butt jokes than any two of the other movies combined. CAUTION: This is my violent-disagreement-with-the-critics movie for this year. Most of them HATED it. Apparently it borrows heavily from live action comedies that I haven't seen but you probably have. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9RvyOjnyxk">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...vyOjnyxk</a>
Originally Posted By mawnck 5. The Croods This is Chris "Lilo and Stitch" Sanders' latest Dreamworks movie. This caveman comedy, though focus-grouped-sludgey, is charming and entertaining, with lots of clever sight gags, gee-whiz 3D graphics to give Avatar a run for its money, and a storyline just solid enough to carry it through, though it definitely ain't no How To Train Your Dragon. It isn't until you get home from the theater that you realize that in the third act, the movie completely forgot that cave girl Eep was the lead character in acts 1 and 2, and it isn't until you look at the production art online that you realize that the animation is missing nearly all the considerable charm of Sanders' original hand-drawn character designs. There's a lot of that going around these days. Still, not bad, not bad. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBdiFU6DgpE">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...iFU6DgpE</a> 4. Monsters University It's tough for me to rate this movie as compared to other movies, rather than other *Pixar* movies. But here's my best shot: It's a well-made, crowd-pleasing, by-the-numbers family movie, with a welcome twist to the usual "you can do anything if you set your mind to it" drivel. In fact, if J. D. Power and Associates gave out awards for focus-grouped sludge, this would be the Camry for this year. But in the end, it's mostly just a remake of Revenge of the Nerds, only without the nudity. And drugs. And romance. And cool 80s music. And any pretense at suspense or unpredictability. It just Wasn't. That. Interesting. Well, at least it's an improvement over Cars 2 and Brave. But I CAN'T BELIEVE it's all the way up at #4. (Disclaimer: I fully appreciate the irony that I'm zapping this one for resembling one of the few live action comedies I've seen, while giving Free Birds a pass for stealing from the ones I haven't. But hey … it's two notches higher anyway, so get off my case, dang it.) <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBzPioph8CI">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...Pioph8CI</a> --. Is the Man Who Is Tall Happy? An Animated Conversation with Noam Chomsky French director / animator has a series of sit-down interviews with a famous philosopher / linguist / human rights activist on the topics of philosophy, linguistics, and human rights (as well as the guy's childhood and how it shaped the development of his theories), and animates the conversation topics in a rough, doodley style. Topics are varied and often difficult, but Michel Gondry (he's the animator) does a mostly great job of keeping things interesting. It's a somewhat esoteric movie that gives your brain a real workout, especially when you're trying to decide whether it was really better or worse than the Anime movie about the kids who turn into wolves. Submitted for Best Documentary only, despite obviously being eligible in the Animated Feature category. Guess they didn't want Noam Chomsky associated with "Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2". <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.ifcfilms.com/videos/is-the-man-who-is-tall-happy-trailer">http://www.ifcfilms.com/videos...-trailer</a> (Yes, the movie really is in 4x3 aspect ratio, with all that film crap at the edges.) --. Wolf Children The latest hand-drawn Anime from the "Girl Who Leapt Through Time" / "Summer Wars" guy (Mamoru Hosoda). I thought both of those movies were somewhat overrated. Well, this one is not. It's TERRIFIC, right up there with Studio Ghibli's good ones. Yeah I did just said dat. Hana, your standard-issue 19-year-old Anime sweetie, falls in love with a wolf man. (No, not THAT kind of wolf man. Well, OK, he's sort of that kind of wolf man. But an ANIME wolf man. Tall, skinny, scruffy and brooding, with a good heart and a ratty white t-shirt.) Anyway, they get hitched, then he dies tragically, leaving her raising two very young wolf kids, who can switch from wolf form to human form more or less at will. (And you think YOUR toddlers are a PITA?) This is the story of her struggles as a single mom, raising her progeny out on a farm, while trying to hide their dual-species nature from everybody. Some American viewers might find the pacing a bit too leisurely (which, of course, is also true of most Studio Ghibli stuff) but the writing is fantastic, the story full of unexpected turns, and the characters quite believable. This movie had what sure looked like a qualifying run, but then the submission list came out and it wasn't there. I have no idea what happened. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ns8PWyfEz60">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...PWyfEz60</a> --. Approved for Adoption This Belgian production (in French) is the real-life autobiography of graphic novelist Jung Henin, a Korean orphan who was adopted by a Belgian family in the early 1970s. He grows up grappling with his identity and his place in the world and having a generally rough time of it. The movie is (mostly) Flash animation in a very illustrative style, interspersed with home movies, newsreels, and footage of the artist's recent visit to the Korean orphanage. It's a poignant and heartbreaking story, masterfully told, but - my one quibble - the Flash is very Flash-ish, enough to be distracting. Highly recommended anyway. Like "Is the Man Who is Tall Happy?", this was submitted only for Best Documentary. There might be a tad too much live action for this to count as an animated feature under the Academy rules. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.gkids.tv/approved/">http://www.gkids.tv/approved/</a> 3. Frozen Aaaaaaaand Disney delivers. Now mind you, I do not think this is one of their greatest movies ever - the plot is, after all, more than a little contrived - but it was so nice to see at least ONE of the major American studios make a movie this year that *I* could enjoy on a level other than movie-night-with-the-kids-I-don't-have. Great story, great music, great voice cast. And the animation and art direction - just absolutely stunning. It makes everything about the very existence of "Planes" even more unfathomable. (This movie, by the way, is probably where I caught the chicken pox. Oh yeah? Well it's important to ME.) <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_qR8YR6WeU">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...R8YR6WeU</a> 2. Ernest and Celestine Absolutely charming French hand-drawn feature about an unlikely friendship between a grouchy bachelor bear and a plucky orphan girl mouse. Lest you think this sounds syrupy, note that it's made by the lunatics behind A Town Called Panic. With its storybook art style and rather demented plot (involving the theft of a bear dentist's entire stock of false teeth), it manages to be charming and insane at the same time, with the titular characters forced to live as outcasts and criminals because of their friendship, perpetrating the cutest two-person (two-animal?) crime-wave evah. Submitted to the Academy in French with subs, but an English dub is on the way. You should definitely see it. Drive 300 miles if you have to. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJ1rmOYLr2U">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...rmOYLr2U</a>
Originally Posted By mawnck And the Mawnckscar goes to (oh, like you don't already know) … 1. The Wind Rises This is Hayao Miyazaki, retiring from his legendary animation-directing career with a "SO THERE!" Combining most of his favorite topics; airplanes, dreams, spunky young women, anti-war, and cheap melodrama (he said it, not me), he presents here a fictionalized hagiography of Jiro Horikoshi, the innovative Mitsubishi aeronautical engineer who led the design teams for many of Japan's warplanes, including the Zero. The story here isn't really the point: Horikoshi spends the whole movie furiously designing airplanes and romancing his adorable TB patient girlfriend. But you know Miyazaki. The guy is a GENIUS at pulling your sorry ass right into his movie and making you never want to leave, no matter what kind of story crap he's pulling. Characters, even those with tiny non-speaking bit parts, seem totally real. The dream sequences (which are plentiful) are spectacular and wonderful. And there's a stunning section about the Kanto Earthquake of 1923 that really makes you FEEL it. The movie is, in the end, a meditation on the pursuit of creativity and progress despite the prospect of one's work being used for evil. I can't honestly say it's his best, mainly because the melodrama *is* pretty cheap (as well as totally made up … the real Horikoshi didn't have a girlfriend with TB), but somebody near me in the theater must've been eating onions because my eyes kept watering up in those parts anyway, making it hard to see the screen. Godspeed, Miyazaki-san. We're sure gonna miss you. <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PlaW8-2T1HI">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...W8-2T1HI</a> And that's the (possibly last) Mawnckscars. It's going to be hard to Lego. See what I did there? <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZ_JOBCLF-I">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...JOBCLF-I</a>
Originally Posted By andyll >>The Wind Rises I thought this wasn't released until Feb in the US. Was there a limited release to qualify it for the award shows?
Originally Posted By Dabob2 Whether this is the last Mawnckscars or not... know that they are NOT unappreciated. They have led me personally to some wonderful films I would otherwise not have seen (Sita Sings the Blues springs instantly to mind, and there were others; I see "smaller" animated films on my own when I can, like E&C this year, but not to your extent), and I'm sure I'm not the only one.
Originally Posted By ecdc I love me some mawncksters! Sorry to hear they might be going the way of good film. >>I enjoy discovering awesome movies that I wouldn't get to see otherwise. I love sitting through wrong-headed trainwrecks and ruminating on why they don't work, or at least coming up with new turns of phrase to tell you how much they suck.<< I used to be the same way. I've pretty much lost all interest in 90% of mainstream movies. It was the Avengers that did it to me, I think. The critics told me it was good. It was different, they swore. They were lying liars who lie, and now I have trust issues. It was *exactly* the same stupid crap that's always in the theater. It wasn't even fun to criticize. It's pretty much been all downhill for me from there. Instead of raising the stakes by actually making me invested in what happens to characters, movies somewhere along the way just decided to threaten major cities with destruction, and superheroes in tights (and, inexplicably, a woman armed with a pistol) save the day. But, I digress. >>Drive 300 miles if you have to.<< Thanks for this one, hadn't even heard of it. From the looks of it, I may have to drive farther than that, but I'll keep my fingers crossed the local art house (yep, there's just the one) gets it. >>4. Monsters University<< Best summary I've read of this movie. Spot. Right. On. >>Well, the decision has been made for me. Due to a recent financial setback with long-term implications, it would not only be masochistic, but downright irresponsible, for me to continue<< Ugh. Thanks, Obamascare! Seriously, I'm terribly sorry to hear it. I hope things reverse, but I don't like the sound of that whole "long-term" thing.
Originally Posted By leemac >>4. Monsters University<< It demonstrates what a poor year for animation it was when this one is number 4. It really was a forgettable movie. I can appreciate that the ending was unexpected but that didn't redeem the previous 90 minutes. >>1. The Wind Rises<< Not only is it an incredible movie but it has been an incredibly successful release in Japan - number 1 movie of the year by a country mile (it did a third more business than the number 2 - MU). The Ghibli name remains the gold standard for Japanese animation but it also demonstrates that that audience can accept a very controversial non-fiction topic as an animated feature. I doubt any of the US majors would ever even contemplate a story like this or that it would find an audience.
Originally Posted By leemac <<I thought this wasn't released until Feb in the US. Was there a limited release to qualify it for the award shows?>> Yup - two theaters - one in NYC and one in LA - just around Thanksgiving.
Originally Posted By mawnck >>The Wind Rises … Was there a limited release to qualify it for the award shows?<< Yep. To qualify it has to run in one theater in LA county, for one week. In this case it was the snooty Landmark Theater in West LA in early November. The screening I went to was sold out two hours before showtime. (I got the next-to-last ticket.) They call that a "qualifier run", and usually it's at a much scruddier theater than The Landmark. Quite a few movies on the Academy list got on it the same way. The "real" release of "Ernest and Celestine" hasn't happened yet either. These runs aren't terribly well promoted, and it takes serious work to sniff them out. I haven't yet found a solution that enables me to reliably keep an eye on all the LA County theaters. Google Movies is the best so far (I have 8 search cities that together catch every single eligible theater) but their listings have proven to be unreliable this year, either mis-listing or ignoring some of the movies. And yes, they definitely failed to list some of the runs I *did* see, like "Madoka Magica 3" at the Downtown Independent, so they are definitely busted. >>I hope things reverse, but I don't like the sound of that whole "long-term" thing.<< It's not health-related, thank God. I cosigned on a private student loan several years ago that's suddenly all on me. It's going to take a while (QUITE a while) to crawl out from under this. Some lives you're the windshield ...
Originally Posted By leemac <<To qualify it has to run in one theater in LA county, for one week. >> Didn't know that. I had presumed that NYC would be acceptable too. Crazy.
Originally Posted By mawnck >>Didn't know that. I had presumed that NYC would be acceptable too.<< I've heard stories of filmmakers that presumed that too, and were sorry. But yep, it has to be one consecutive week in LA County. Long Beach, Van Nuys, Whittier, and even Palmdale are eligible. NYC is not.
Originally Posted By FerretAfros I look forward to the Mawnckscars every year! I realistically can't see all of the animated films (and have little desire to see many of the wide releases), so it's great to hear reviews that all come from the same source at the same time. It makes me feel so much more informed for award season! And sorry to hear that you got sick (possibly at the movies)! I hope you're feeling better! While Walking With Dinosaurs does look pretty dreadful, I do have to applaud them for being "creative" and doing a dinosaur story that isn't about extinction. Every other dinosaur film tells the same basic sequence of events (Rite of Spring, Land Before Time, Dinosaur), so it's nice that somebody has finally realized that dinosaurs can be used to tell other stories too. It's just a shame that they had to make such a crummy movie! >>Memo to Brazilian women named Janaína: If some weird red and black bird shows up and starts chirping at you, konk it with a rock and head for the hills.<< Perfect description of one of my mom's friends, who came over for Christmas dinner. I'll make sure to pass the word along!
Originally Posted By mawnck I just now read that "Ernest and Celestine" was done in Flash. I absolutely can't believe it! <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://blogs.indiewire.com/animationscoop/immersed-in-movies-director-renner-talks-ernest-celestine">http://blogs.indiewire.com/ani...elestine</a>
Originally Posted By schnebs You actually watched ALL these movies in their entirety? My sympathies, mawnck - just watching the trailers of half of these films made me wish I could find someone to throttle for taking a couple of minutes of my life away. Thanks for suffering so that the rest of us didn't have to.
