Originally Posted By Labuda Ok, so... last night, I went to play poker at the place I go every so often on a Tuesday to play. Lo and behold, about 20 minutes after I am seated, I spot my ex-husband appearing to sign up to play poker. My first thought was "HAH! He's wearing stuff *I* bought him when we were married" - specifically, a Disney shirt and Jethro Tull concert hat. The jeans and shoes also could pass for things I had bought him way back when. Anyhow, while I kept my cool, it REALLY messed with me to see him for the first time since the divorce. He also had his new wife with him. While she's not the one he cheated on me with, I'm still not at all comfortable seeing her since he started dating her and got engaged before he even filed for our divorce. (I was NOT going to be the one to file. No way, no how, UH UH) Anyhow, while I'm sure he likely saw me, I did not make eye contact nor did I say a single word to him. And I can't tell you how happy I was that he was two people to my right not next to me when his table got broken up and he came to sit at my table. So, here's my question... for those of you who are divorced... Is it normal for me to feel hostility when encountering him for the first time in so long? I even planned out in my head what I'd say to him if he said anything to me (which was "I do believe I told you to die in a fire, so bugger off." (Bugger not the actual word, of course.) So, anyhow, input, please, LPers who have been down this path before.
Originally Posted By RoadTrip I had a 4-year marriage before Rosie that ended in divorce. I never saw her after the divorce and I'm glad for that... it would have been really difficult. We were horrible together, but I didn't get over loving her for a long, long time.
Originally Posted By Jim in Merced CA Is it normal to feel hostility? Having been through a divorce, the short answer Labuda, is, yes it is. I think hostility is a natural reaction to feel. Of course, you could argue that the hostility is also part of rage, sadness, fear, humiliation, and countless other emotions that go along with divorce -- which is a very painful thing to experience. And you'll feel those things....until you don't. It's tough when your ex lives in the same community and goes to the same social places that you do. And yeah, there's probably some hostility that he's got a new squeeze. I was married for 6 fun-filled years (the sarcas-O-meter is WAY on), and after the final therapy session, and the divorce papers were signed, she said to me 'You'll never see me again.' She was right. We haven't spoken or communicated or seen each other for the 15+ years since we divorced. Which is fine, really. It was a toxic relationship at best, and horrifying at the worst. We didn't have any kids together either, so no need to try and be 'friends.' And yet event today, I still have 'flashbacks' to old moments in time, when I was married to her, and felt so miserable and angry. Of course, I was also feeling hurt, defeated and probably emasculated too. But, those moments have become less and less frequent. And my relationship with my wife today is so much more than I ever had before. I'm so grateful. So, hang in there, Labuda. It will get better.
Originally Posted By SanFran Just imagine how po'd he was when he saw YOU sitting in his poker palace not wearing that shirt he bought you instead wearing some fancy get-up probably trying to find a date.... J/K It's probably normal to feel anger, if you were angry when you broke up. Why would it be any different than seeing an ex-friend that you were mad at? I've seen plenty of couples break up though and then remain even better friends afterward. You just have to learn to let go and decide not to be angry all the time because chances are you'll see him again next Tuesday.
Originally Posted By disney pete I no longer feel hostility to my ex wife we get on rather ok now,but for the ex girlfriend who left me in huge debt all all the other bad stuff i have utter hatred for her, i wish her bad luck,she even had the cheek to wish me a happy birthday and congrats on your wedding n FB 2 weeks ago,i just hope you dont have to bump into him often ann otherwise it may well get to you.
Originally Posted By DlandDug Not divorced, but want to add my two cents. Yes, it is absolutely natural to feel hostility in this situation. But... you get to decide what to do with that hostility. It sounds like you handled it well. I hope you will be happy, Ann.
Originally Posted By Goofyernmost The only place I see my X is at family functions like Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was gracious and polite the first few times it happened but it was difficult to be nice. I was hurt and angry. Time has gone by (ten years now) and I no longer feel any anger, but it is still uncomfortable, especially the first time I brought along a girlfriend, that my daughters had invited. It went alright but it was awkward. It is hard to make one's brain understand that someone that you were once intimate with, seems like a total stranger, with forced pleasantries and nothing really to talk about. It's all very weird.
Originally Posted By TheParsec Yes it's Ok. My Situation was much different. I was married with my 1st wife for 5 years, 3 kids. When my daughter was 8 months old, she skipped town with another guy. I got full custody of my kids when we got a divorced. I got re-married to my 2nd DW (Hope) 4 years later. We have been married 12 years now! Well, my 1st wife showed up at our door a couple years ago for the first time (she hadn't seen the kids in 13 years), I had nothing to say to her, but after talking with the kids about it I let her visit with them. She stayed in town for about 6 months then left again. She showed up a couple days ago at the hospital when my daughter was having the baby, my dw Hope said it was ok, but I was totally against it. So I know how you feel (in a different way).
Originally Posted By 999HAUNTS All I know is if I ever saw my ex again, I'd clock him first and ask questions later.
Originally Posted By Dave I work under my ex (she's the manager) and we are the best of friends and always have been.
Originally Posted By ophellia I feel for you Labuda, it's tough the first time, and all the more so because it was in public...my first husband and I have never gotten past the uncomfortable feelings...but my second husband and I were best buddies until his death, it's all very individual... I think the first time anger is quite understandable, like opening an old wound...ever hear Trisha Yearwood's 'The Song Remembers When' ? the lyrics put it quite well...
Originally Posted By Labuda "I hope you will be happy, Ann" Never fear, Doug. While I have my ups and downs just like everyone else, I'm at least 95% up, and I'll be just fine. I love being an optimist, albeit a slightly jaded one.
