Originally Posted By ShivaThDestroyer #1 -- A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." #2. Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. #3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. #4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive." #5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. #6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer." #7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." #8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flower from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars. 9. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 10. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." 11. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 12. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 13. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." 14. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?" 15. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, "It's Not Unusual." 16. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"says Dolly. "It's true, exclaims Daisy, "no bull!" 17. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 18. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 19. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 20. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!" 21. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel. 22. To attract more business to the pet store, the owner hung a sign that read, "Buy One Cat, Get One Flea" 23. After a burglar ransacked the perfume store, the owner put up a sign that read, "Out of Odor" 24. When the music store owner went on a break, he put up a sign that read, "Bach in a Minute" 25. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Originally Posted By DlandDug After reading these to DlandJB, she informs me that henceforth she will be calling you SheckyThDestroyer.
Originally Posted By ShivaThDestroyer >>After reading these to DlandJB, she informs me that henceforth she will be calling you SheckyThDestroyer.<< Doug, that lovely wife of yours can call me anything she wants. it's far better than the tar and feathers that I was expecting (and probably deserved). {{{DlandDug & DlandJB,}}}
Originally Posted By DlandDug Hugs are always appreciated. Now, are you prepared for the lawsuit for copyright infringement from friendofdd?
Originally Posted By knightnfrees Shiva, Benny Goodman called from the afterlife...He wants his material back. But knowing you, he'll have a ghost of a chance getting 'em back.
Originally Posted By TXDISNEYNERD >>> doing to obligatory groan OK, maybe I found some of these really funny.
Originally Posted By Mrs ElderP The classics are always good! (What can I say, I like the main street vehicls too!)
