Originally Posted By gadzuux I'm conflicted and torn. Bit of background - for the past five years, I've helped to produce a weeklong pirate festival in key west in the week after thanksgiving. I'm friends with the event producer, and in exchange for my showing up and helping, I've been provided with a free hotel room in a fun 'adult' hotel. I assume my own travel expenses - airfare, car rental, miscellaneous. Each of the past two years, there's been an open understanding that this was to be the last year for my friend and I to participate. But last year our producer friend called and she really sounded like she was 'up a tree' and needed our help. She was right - she did. So we came out and pitched in (one more time) and pulled it off successfully. And we said (again) that this was the last one. So last night the phone rings, and it's my friend asking me to come out again this year and participate. Only this time the free room is unlikely. In addition, I've always done this in tandem with another friend who lives here in california with me, and she definitely cannot do it this year, so it would be just me if I accept. So here's my conflict - over the past five years, I've made myself an integral part of this event, and it will be a larger burden on the producers without my help. But my intent was clearly stated over the past TWO years that it was definitively my last time. Also - I'm not into the whole 'pirate' thing. It's just not my kink. Lots of people are though - just like people have an interest in model trains or civil war re-enactments, so too are there people who love to dress up and play pirate. Especially these days now that the POTC movies have made pirates hip again. This festival predates the popular POTC movies, so it was just dumb luck on the part of my producer friend who started this thing in 2000. Mitigators - I've got nothing better to do. It's not like I can't come because of some previous commitments. Also, my 50th birthday falls during this week, and I wanted to do something special for the occasion. Since I've done this event for the past five years, it's not really all that 'special' but it's better than nothing. It's kind of pricey. The airfare isn't too bad - $318 direct from SFO to miami. But then I usually give myself a few days in lauderdale before heading down to key west, and that would be about $500+. I also rent an SUV, because part of my role is transportation, and I have to cart people and ice and pinatas and outboard motors and who-knows-what-else. That's almost $400 for the duration. When all is said and done, ten days will likely hover around $2,000 bucks - to do something that I'm not all that excited about. But I also feel a strong obligation to help my friend. She's one of these people who I'll know for all my life, and I can be generous of spirit with my friends. We spoke last night over the phone, and the way that I left it was that I'd give it stronger consideration if she can come up with suitable hotel arrangements - if not free then at least severely discounted. That's what my decision will likely turn on. While I'm typing this, I just got a call from my local friend that was formerly a definitive 'no'. She got the same phone call I did from our producer friend, and she too is wavering about whether to go or not. Neither one of us is keen on the idea, but we both want to be supportive of our friend. Any advice?
Originally Posted By TALL Disney Guy That's nice of you to even consider helping your friend considering you really don't want to do this, and have let her know in the past it was over/ending. But if you truly don't want to do it, then just don't do it. You have a right to your own life and to do what you want to do. And remember this that I learned in psychology about anxiety..."You don't have to feel guilty about anything unless you've hurt someone on purpose."
Originally Posted By 999HAUNTS Although I find it admirable that you are a super, super friend... When will it end?? Maybe if you keep doing this and footing some of the bill, you will be doing it the rest of your life. And 50 years old is a BIG deal...you really need to do something for yourself for once. I think I would explain that to your friend. And if she is as good a friend to you as you are to her, she will understand!
Originally Posted By alexbook >>So here's my conflict - over the past five years, I've made myself an integral part of this event, and it will be a larger burden on the producers without my help. But my intent was clearly stated over the past TWO years that it was definitively my last time.<< Let somebody else take the burden. Maybe there's some attendee who would be a great producer if only the job were open.
Originally Posted By goodgirl Sometimes you just have to say no. It sounds like that's what you'd like to do but "guilt" is setting in. For more than 10 years I was active in a non-profit organization. I was great at organizing events, creative and I had sofware to do things that really made a difference. I really brought a lot to the organization. A lot of things led me to accept the fact that I had to resign for personal and professional reasons. It was really, really hard. But you know what. The organization survived. They struggled at first. They didn't realize how much I actually contributed to the organization until I was gone. But after two years without me, they are thriving. Follow your gut, not the guilt. They'll be okay.
Originally Posted By gadzuux Well you all seem to be saying "don't do it". Maybe I didn't do a good enough job of describing the 'upside' - it IS a fun week, and just about the only time I ever see these florida friends. As far as "when will it end" - I agree. Each year julie (my producer friend) is the one that's saying it's over. And then every year, she relents and agrees to do it again. This has become a popular event not only with the pirate people, but with the merchants and business guilds on the island. It brings in visitors during what is traditionally a very slow tourist time - the week after thanksgiving weekend. This is how we've been able to secure free rooms for the staff - although in a hotel that most respectable people would think twice about. So the enticement is spending a week partying with pirates in key west - not exactly a tupperware convention in palookaville. I spoke with my local friend tonight, and we've both agreed to keep it loose for another week or so, and give julie a bit more time to try for hotel arrangements. If she can get the free or cheap rooms, we'll likely end up going - or I will anyway. Without the room, I'll skip it.
Originally Posted By poohbear14 Still sounds like your friend is taking advantage of you. And you should be able to something fun for your 50th without having to do so much work.
Originally Posted By gadzuux Yeah - I've been puzzling over that one for the past week - even before this call from julie. One friend wants to go to reno for the weekend, but that presents two problems - one is that it's a bit lowbrow for my taste, and two - I can generally get a free room at the peppermill several other times throughout the year, but not on thanksgiving weekend. So why pay retail for something I can get for free later on? The next idea was vegas. As long as I'm paying full freight, why not step it up to something more suitable? But my friend is going to vegas for business in january, and this would just be six weeks prior to that already scheduled trip. And it has some of the same tinge as reno - casinos can be depressing. So that's out. I just got back two nights ago from a week in palm springs and a day at DLR, so my 'resort' needs have been met for awhile. I'm not wild about the idea of traveling alone while celebrating the 'big day' and I don't think I could talk any of my friends into a 'deluxe' trip. So nothing too ambitious. And then thanksgiving gets all tied up into it. Friends that otherwise might jump at the chance to go off and do something fun already have family commitments for the holiday weekend. So if I stay home, the likely result is going out for thanksgiving dinner with friends on thursday, and then going out for my birthday dinner the next day on friday - not quite the level of "special" that I was looking for. But people are busy that weekend. There is one option. My friend that wanted to go to reno is available for something reasonable, just not a week of globe-trotting. But this is a just a buddy, and so many quickie getaways seem to be romance oriented. I haven't got any good ideas. It needs to be relatively close and relatively cheap and relatively special and different, but not in a romance kinda way.
Originally Posted By Inspector 57 <<Any advice?>> Points to ponder... (1) The Pirate Fest has become a big event from which many people profit handsomely. Merchants. Business guilds. The Event Producer, your friend Julie. You are an ESSENTIAL worker at this event. You have become an integral part of making this revenue-producing event happen. Therefore, you are rewarded with a profit of: a net loss of $2000. There's something very, very wrong with the math here. 2) What would you do for your birthday if you stayed in The City that week? Is it possible that you might do a belated Birthday Bash with Bay Area friends if you went to Florida for the actual birthday? 3) Is your relationship with Julie dependent upon your making sacrifices of time, money, energy, and birthday parties to ensure her business success? If "yes", I wouldn't worry so much about the friendship. 4) Do you have time to learn to eroticize eye patches and poorly done accents?
Originally Posted By Inspector 57 It sucks having a birthday that's entangled in the holidays. I'm sorry, gadzuux.
Originally Posted By gadzuux I want success for julie. She ain't gettin' rich, and she has a peculiar talent for this sort of thing. But she's a schmoozer - she's in charge of the 'big picture' and is hopelessly lost when it comes to nitty-gritty details. She'll commit to an open-air hot food buffet for a hundred people and then comp an additional forty, thereby erasing any profit margin. In fairness to her, she almost has to. So many of the 'professional pirates' she brings in are volunteering their presence - like me - and they go a long way to making these events actually work. The paying guests are the revenue stream, but once they get there they need entertainment to go along with the food and beverage. Otherwise it's a dull event. And yes - there are professional pirate entertainers - they sing and perform skits and most importantly provide their own verrry elaborate costumes. But they're no angels either. They frequently create problems with the different host locations due to drunkenness, shooting old fashioned dry powder guns, public nudity, and other untoward behavior. It's a handful.
Originally Posted By TomSawyer Inspector57 brings up a good point - you're spending $2000 of your money to help someone else make a profit. That's not right, no matter how you slice it. Spend that $2000 doing something you've always wanted to do but never had the chance. It's your 50th birthday - you shouldn't be spending it lugging around ice.
Originally Posted By MomofPrincess Do you have to even go somewhere for your 50th? You could indulge in a spa day, some shopping, a stage show -- whatever. Spend the $2k you would've spent to go do something you don't really want to do, on something you DO! You deserve it.
Originally Posted By friendofdd Can't help with a b-day suggestion, but I agree with the folks who say don't go.
Originally Posted By Autopia Deb Here's a birthday idea. Road trip down the coast. You can hit museums and aquariums (Monterrey and Long Beach), go fishing or whale watching, catch a play or concert in LA. Hit tourist burgs like San Simeon and Solvang. This time of year the South Coast is beautiful.
Originally Posted By Inspector 57 Had to come back here. This has been one of those little things stuck in the back of my consciousness... gadzuux, I still vote "no" to doing the Pirate thing. (1) You've given Julie enough notice; she should have made plans that don't require your involvement. (2) You may well end up resenting her and yourself for your participation this year. (3) I really like TomSawyer's idea that you spend the money to do something that you will find unabashedly enjoyable. Having restated that... It's been bugging me that none of us have acknowledged that you're a great friend to want success for Julie and to even consider participating again simply because it would be helpful for her. Again, my "advice" would be that you should "Just Say 'No.'" It would enable her. It would be you doing something that you don't really find worth it. But at the same time, I understand loyalty and affection and sacrifice, and I respect those feelings. It must be a difficult decision for you. Whether you ultimately sign up for it or not this year, I hope you will feel good for being so tempted and/or willing to help a friend.
Originally Posted By gadzuux I'm going. And I'm looking forward to it. Everybody is correct when they say that I have no obligation to participate, and even that it's not a reasonable request. But it doesn't really matter because I'm happily agreeing to attend. What really tipped it is the free week in the hotel - my friend came through wonderfully with that. Also important is that I was feeling pouty about the time change back to standard time, the weather getting colder and wetter, and that no other plans for something better ever came up. With the free hotel room, it's a pretty good deal all around. AA non-stop direct from SFO to MIA R/T was about $380; ten day SUV rental from dollar was around $600; and I'm staying three nights in ft. lauderdale for about $450. If I can hold my expenses to about $600 for the ten days (gas, food, & beverage - a LOT of beverage) I can get through this for just under $2000. For a ten day florida vacation, that's cheap. And I get to spend time with my friends doing fun things. I didn't really have the option to use this budget towards a different trip because no one I know here at home was able or willing to take time off and go anywhere. So yeah - I'm leaving next week for ten days in lauderdale and key west, and I've got a really good headspace about the whole trip.
