Originally Posted By cstephens Just read this on Dear Abby: DEAR ABBY: Is it socially correct to have a housewarming party for someone who has lived in the home for more than 10 years? The party is scheduled to be held at a restaurant. The idea for this party was the "honoree's" mother's because her daughter has never been married or had a child, and her mother thinks that the people she has given gifts to all these years owe her something back. I have never heard of such a party, but others think it's a great idea. -- CONFUSED IN SPENCERPORT, N.Y. DEAR CONFUSED: Although unusual, it's not unheard of. This kind of party is sometimes thrown for a "confirmed bachelorette." However, it is not referred to as a housewarming party. It's called a "happily single" shower, and the happy single registers at stores the same way a bride-to-be or expectant mother does. I think it would be incredibly odd to have a "happy single" shower or to have a housewarming for someone who has been in a house for 10 years. Seems like a gift grab to me, and Abby's answer seems even weirder. I've never heard of something like this, and I think I'd be pretty shocked to be invited to something like this. Thoughts? Reactions? Anyone actually heard of/been invited to something like this? /cs
Originally Posted By Pixie Glitter I've never heard of this type of shower/party. My personal feelings are that I'd be happy to attend one for someone who's starting out in a new home and might really need some things, but I think it's rather odd to have one after ten years in your home. There's nothing really wrong with it, but it's certainly not something I'd do myself. Of course, I'm also of the now very old-fashioned school of etiquette that says that relatives don't throw showers for you. . . to me that seems tacky.
Originally Posted By AuroraRose <<I'm also of the now very old-fashioned school of etiquette that says that relatives don't throw showers for you. . . to me that seems tacky.>> Hmmm.. I've never heard of your realitives (mom/sister for example) not to be the ones to give you a shower. if your realitives aren't throwing a shower for you, (wedding/baby) who is supposed to?
Originally Posted By Inspector 57 Oy. When is it "deserved" to mandate that everyone who knows you arrange their social schedule around you and spend good money on you? Apparently, it's when you (a) get engaged (b) get married (c) move into a place (d) get pregnant, and (e) have an annniversary of one of the above. So we shower the get-married-and-get-pregnant person at least five times. And yet we resent that the confirmed bachelorette would like a little attention on one ocassion? A little social recognition for the good friend she's been? Sorry, bachelorette. That would be tacky. How dare you!
Originally Posted By Pixie Glitter "(c) move into a place" could be anyone. . . married, single, whatever. That's one of the points I was making above. AuroraRose, when I was growing up and reading etiquette books by Emily Post and the like (yes, I was an unusual little girl--lol!), the "rule" of showers was that friends, not relatives, were supposed to give them. Of course, that's purely arbitrary. I suspect it has largely fallen to the wayside. I was just saying what was the custom when I was growing up.
Originally Posted By debtee This sounds straight out of "sex and the city" when Carrie brought this topic up with her friends!
Originally Posted By debtee Within Australia, it's friends not relatives that hold the showers. If it's a wedding it's the matron of honor and not the family that arrange it.
Originally Posted By Lisann22 Engagement shower, the bridal shower, the baby shower, and birthdays/anniversaries parties are LONG standing traditions that cross many cultures. Dowries, as an example. Bottom line, if you don't want to give a gift or spend the $$$$, then you simply decline the invitation. Nothing is mandatory. Must people give these showers out of love. Socially times have changed and things have gotten a bit out of whack. 10 years on your own now constituting a a party with gifts - um no, I don't agree with that.
Originally Posted By debtee For me, it comes down to whom is the person that is having the bachelorette party. If it's someone I love, then of course I don't mind buying a present for them for whatever reason. I take all sorts of presents with me when I go to their house for dinner so this really isn't that much different. However if it's an aquaintance then I would weigh up if I would like to go or not, once I received the invitation. As Lisa said you don't have to go if you don't want to.
Originally Posted By Inspector 57 <<"(c) move into a place" could be anyone. . . married, single, whatever. That's one of the points I was making above.>> Granted, I think it would be more smooth of the mother to throw a big "something-eth" birthday party than a "lived in her place for 10 years" party. The point remains, though. There's no legitimate reason for anyone getting engaged or married or pregnant to extort money from friends, but they all do. So, to me, it's not offensive that someone who hasn't done the shower/wedding/shower triple-demand have a party in her own honor and expect a few gifts. Oops. SHE's not throwing the party for herself. Her MOTHER is throwing it. And that makes all the difference.
Originally Posted By Pixie Glitter Well, put that way, I don't think there's a "legitimate" reason for having any sort of gathering with an intent of "extorting" money (i.e., gifts). And the basis for the old rule of etiquette that frowned on relatives throwing showers was just that. . . it was considered tacky for a family member to essentially ask for gifts for their relative. (I'm not sure why it's any less tacky for friends to do the same, come to think of it). But for many people, showers are a fun way to honor someone who's having a life experience that typically requires more or different "stuff" and present gifts. If you feel it is extortion, then obviously showers aren't fun for you, and you should decline the invitation. In this particular case---a mother throwing a "lived here for ten years" housewarming party so she could indirectly recoup some of the money *she* had spent on showers over the years by having people buy gifts for her daughter in return is, in my OPINION, tacky.
Originally Posted By Inspector 57 <<Engagement shower, the bridal shower, the baby shower, and birthdays/anniversaries parties are LONG standing traditions that cross many cultures. Dowries, as an example.>> Ex-ACTLY! It USED to make sense! Two poor people got engaged and they needed things. So the community showered them. They got married. The community gave them things to help ensure their success together. They got pregnant. The village ensured that they had the child-rearing things they couldn't afford on their own. I LOVE that! What a wonderful and needed outpouring of affection and support that was. But now those things are a cultural artifact. If you can't afford to get married without a shower, you're in trouble. Need a shower to get pregnant? I don't think so. All these shower-y things are unnecessary left-over traditions that USED to have real value. Now all they do is welcome women into the sorority of bride-hod and mother-dom. There are couple showers these days. I think of my DEAR straight married female friends. And I think of my DEAR straight single female friends. Why is it that I have given my married friends $300 and it is offensive that a single friend have a party in which I'd give her $50?
Originally Posted By Inspector 57 <<If you feel it is extortion, then obviously showers aren't fun for you, and you should decline the invitation.>> That's a bit glib, I think. I doubt that most people invited to a shower have an easy way out.
Originally Posted By sherrytodd <<<Need a shower to get pregnant? I don't think so.>>> This is one shower that is still culturally handy. All that baby stuff is a HUGE expense. Hubby and I are common-law married. Should we go and demand the gifts from our friends that we deserve? We've been through their weddings and shelled out for their gifts and 80% of them are already divorced! Is there a reason we feel entitled to these things?
Originally Posted By Pixie Glitter Hm. I didn't intend it to be glib. When I receive an invitation to an event I don't want to attend, I just politely say some variation of "Thanks for the invitation, but I'm not able to attend." It's actually a very easy way out---lol!
Originally Posted By goodgirl <<I doubt that most people invited to a shower have an easy way out.>> I have to disagree with you on that one. I've passed on a wedding and two baby showers in the last year or so. It was a case of not really knowing the people that well or in one case, not really liking the woman. I didn't rsvp to the wedding or the first shower. In the case of the second shower I was telephoned about coming. I just said no, I had other plans that day.
Originally Posted By Inspector 57 <<When I receive an invitation to an event I don't want to attend, I just politely say some variation of "Thanks for the invitation, but I'm not able to attend." It's actually a very easy way out---lol!>> If only it worked that easily for so many cousins, great-aunts, in-laws, co-workers, old friends in a small town...
Originally Posted By Inspector 57 <<I've passed on a wedding and two baby showers in the last year or so. It was a case of not really knowing the people that well or in one case, not really liking the woman. I didn't rsvp to the wedding or the first shower. In the case of the second shower I was telephoned about coming. I just said no, I had other plans that day.>> Well, not to cement a reputation as the Community curmudgeon or to seem all "I told you so," but... Well, that just proves my point. You shouldn't have been invited to those "give me presents" events in the first place. You didn't know or like the honorees -- and yet they expected your presents?! And one invitation was BY PHONE?! With all due respect, goodgirl, your experience doesn't address the point of all the relatives and friends who are trapped into throwing/attending showers.
Originally Posted By cstephens Inspector 57 wrote: > Apparently, it's when you (a) get engaged (b) get married (c) move into a place (d) get pregnant, and (e) have an annniversary of one of the above. As someone else pointed out, the first four things above mark a significant life change, though I will say that I've never been invited to an engagement party myself. The only "engagement gift" I've ever given is on a few occasions when I've been told by good friends that they're engaged, and I will give them the planning book I used because I found it so helpful, but there was no party or gathering involved. I will also say that one does not celebrate the anniversaries of those occasions. I've never heard of anyone having an engagement anniversary celebration. I suppose someone could have an anniversary celebration, but those are usually reserved for milestone anniversaries. With regard to moving into a new place, that's usually done when they get their first home. When it's a second or third or whatever home, there's usually no housewarming. And as for getting pregnant, one does not usually celebrate the anniversary of getting pregnant. Once the child is born, then it could be birthday parties for the child, but that's about the child, not the parents. And generally, baby showers are only thrown for the first child born, though the trend tends to be a bit more to have showers for second and third and further children as well. > And yet we resent that the confirmed bachelorette would like a little attention on one ocassion? A little social recognition for the good friend she's been? A little attention is one thing. She could get attention for all kinds of things, and she could be recognized for being a good friend in lots of other ways as well. From the letter that was written, it wasn't even really about that. It was about the mother saying she should get back some of the money she's doled out to other people. Gee, I thought those were gifts. I didn't know she was expecting a return on her investment. Hmmm, there have been occasions when I've spent more money on someone else's wedding gift than they spent on mine. Should I now demand they pay me the difference because it wasn't fair and equal. /cs
Originally Posted By melekalikimaka Usually when I throw parties it's because I want to do something nice for my friends, not have my friends give me gifts. What, birthdays and holidays aren't enough, now we need to solicit people for gifts just because we want gifts. Sure, I'm up for it. I'll keep everyone posted about when my "Give Me Stuff" party is.
