Originally Posted By KatieKate123 First off let me apologize for even bringing this up here, but I figured that this was the most private place I can bring it up and talk about it b/c no one knows me personally here. I am mostly writing this to get a load off of my chest, there will be some complaining in here so if you don't want to read it then don't. Also I am sorry that this is kind of long. Ok here it goes. My parents got divorced when I was 12, they waited until my sister graduated H.S. (this is to show you the beginning of where my sister is more loved than me) Anyways, my sister left for college, my dad left for Saudi Arabia, and my mother left for a new b/f. (she didn't really leave but between work and Bill she was rarely home) I learned to make myself microwave dinners, and to take care of myself. I learned to come home to a empty house. When my sister came home to visit my mother would take off from everything to be with her. I wanted to die at the age of 12 and ended up in a pysch hospital for a month which my dad refused to pay which made my mom dislike me more. (My dad is rich) I went to Hawaii at age of 16 to visit my dad who didn't even take 1 day off of work only put me on tour buses alone but took a week off when his friends came. At the same time at home my mother was rarely around, and I grew up alone and confused. My mom wasn't there for me to go to ring dance or prom or most of my band competitions. You have to realize that my sister has these great prom pictures taken by my parents, and we would travel out of state to go to my sisters band competitions. When she did go to a football game she told me my bad sucked. Well anways to cut that part short I grew up alone for 6 years. I moved out of my house when I was 18 and lived with some mexicans I didn't know,(I didn't have a car and though my mom would travel by my house to see my sister she never once stopped and saw me for 3 years) but our now like family. I got pregnant by a person who ended up leaving me, and moved home to my mom. I couldn't stand living there with my psycho step father (yes hes psycho she will even admit this thats why they are now divorced he tried to kill my 4 month old daughter but he didn't even get tried for this) Anyways I couldn't stand living with my mother, so I moved back and got together with my husband now. I had another daughter 13 months later with him. I have lived in and out of my mothers house for a couple of years, depending on where we could afford to live. I am currently living with the guys that I love the best and who treat me the best in a nice big house, but I will admit that my mother does help me out a lot financially when I need it (mostly in the winter). I decided after my sister had children to try to get closer to my family. A couple of months ago back in Feb I was living with my mother b/c my husband and I were having issues. My sister expected me to watch her kids all of the time (she did pay me but we are talking about 20 dollars for 4 hours for 2 children so not a lot) and i did it but it was hard work. Every time I refused to watch her children my mother would get a attitude and tell me how much she helps me. I would agree but say my sister dosen't lift a hand to ever help me, I have always had to pay for a babysitter when I go to school/work. My mothers response was you are a ungrateful brat. Well needless to say I moved out and back in with my husband even with the problems we were having it was better than being there. Today my mother took my children to cox farms. She asked me if I would mind watching my sister's children tonight while they went dancing. I said I couldn't because I had to take care of my own children, who have horseback riding lessons on monday nights. My mother then goes on to tell me that I am a ungrateful user brat, who uses everyone I meet so that I won't have to work. I am not sure how to handle this, I have constantly tried to be nice to my mother, I have constantly tried to be nice to my sister (even though I feel used by her), and I have truely been raising myself for 15 years, and I think I did a good job. Yes I am in school, yes I never graduated, and yes I am currently out of work. I am looking for a job. My children love my mother, and I hate to hurt them by giving up my family. Also my mother is sick, and I do love her. But its like she constantly kicks me while I am down. Sorry that this is so long. I am just hoping for some advice on how to handle my mom and sister. I haven't had a relationship with my dad since Hawaii so in 11 years. I want my family to love me, but I feel like they never have, and never will. I will admit when I was younger I was bad. I stole money from my mom, I smoked, and I didn't take care of the items my mother gave me. I have been trying to change all of this, and I havne't stolen money in over 10 years. So what should I do to try to mend my relationship. I have tried to talk to her, she just keeps fighting. It scares me to think that my mother and I will never be close b/f she dies. SHes a great grandma, but I guess I was in the way when my parents got divorced.
Originally Posted By tashajilek Hey Katie sorry to hear of your problems. It may seem to you that your mother favours your sister over you but im really sure that she doesnt. I am the youngest child and most of the time mom sided with me because the older one should know better. I know my mother loves my brother and i equally and in diffrent ways. I think you should sit down with your mother and have a heart to heart talk with her. You said she was sick and just in case anything were to happen im sure you wouldnt want to end things the way they are now. With your sister situation you should explain to your family that with school and having children you dont have much time to babysit. I could understand if sometimes your sister were to babysit for you and vice versa it would be fair but from the sounds of it, it isnt. I wish you the best of luck and i hope things work out for you Katie.
Originally Posted By KatieKate123 I wish heart to heart talks worked. I tried to talk to her and every time I tell her how i feel I get hurt worst. I slept on this last night and decided that though I love my mother, and though she is sick, it's best for me to heal my own heart right now. I am going to start counseling this week.
Originally Posted By Goofyernmost So do you expect that years of bad behavior, apparently on both sides, will just go away instantly? Do you not expect negative reaction when you are living at your mothers and apparently not much else, but refused to watch the kids for a couple of hours because it was too hard? Do you think that everyone will just say OK, she's fine now and not want to see a time of change and a real showing of sincerity before they decide to just forget and give you a second chance. I'm sorry but I don't see a person that really wants to work at this family relationship. You just want it to happen. It's not going too. If you really, really want it you must work to make it happen. What they see is someone that is trying to "get something" and are all warm and fuzzy now. They don't think it will last. You have to prove them wrong.
Originally Posted By KatieKate123 Truthfully I don't think I need a second chance. I grew up without a family since I was 12. My mother was too busy with her b/f my dad was too busy with his friends. I did a good job raising myself considering. I never once drank, or got high, or ended up on the streets. Did I make bad decisions yes. Have I learned from them yes. I am going to school, I am studying and trying the hardest that I can. I am trying to be a better person not for my parents but for myself. I just want my parents to love me, and I never felt like they have from the time i was 12 and you know what I don't have very good memory's b/f that either. I remember my dad breaking a cutting board over my back, and my dad always breaking promises. I remember eating a box of girl scout cookies at age 8 knowing that I would get in trouble, but getting beat up so badly I ended up in the hospital over one box of cookies. My dad is a very violent man, who I will never truely have a relationship with, but my mother was no better by letting him do those things to her kids, and then seeking cousenling for my sister when they got divorced, but ignoring me until I tried to commit suicide at the age of 12. So I am not really sure what you are getting at where I am in the wrong and need a second chance. I need a first chance thast what I am asking for.
Originally Posted By disneydad109 Remember, the best revenge is living well. I learned a long time ago that people are what they are. Your never going to get back those "lost" years nor will those folks ever change. accept them or like other things that hurt ,remove them from your life. Heck, it sounds like you are the only one making an effort.
Originally Posted By KCCHIEF my heart aches for you.....I will be thinking about you.. I wish you only the best
Originally Posted By tashajilek Katie i think counselling would be a great idea for you. You know the one good thing about all of this is that you are going to do a great job raising your own girls. You know what not to do and how to give them all the love and emotional support they need from their mother. You have your own family now and one day you will be a grandmother and have so much love in your life. I really hope you can try and get past all the terrible things that happend to you and get excited for your future.
Originally Posted By Mary Poppins {{{HUGS}}}}Katie. Favoritism hurts, a lot. I know my Dad favored my sister and my brother. Life was always unfair, I learned early on. Life has been unfair to you. I can't believe how your mom and dad treated you, compared to your sister. That's gotta hurt!!! Good for you for seeking counselling. You have to work out with an experienced counsellor what kind of relationship is possible with these people. You have to explore what years of rejection and lack of emotional/mental support have done to you. I know you will do. Your enthusiasm and high spirits come across in this and your other posts. Don't forget to journal your feelings so you can examine them more closely. Worst case scenario: my mom rejected my grandparents after years of favoritism for my aunt (a drug addict) and generally poor relationships. Mom never looked back. This is an extreme response but I have to accept that was my mom's choice. You are doing well now with your own family. Good for you! Work from there on these extended family relationships. And, always accept your emotional reactions as being valid for you. You have the right to respond as you like. Good luck, my dear!
Originally Posted By KatieKate123 Thanks everyone for the support. I am sitting here writing my mom a letter explaining everything, and all. I am also telling her that even though I love her, shes not allowed to be in my life right now. If she wants to see my girls thats ok I won't keep them from her, but I don't even want to be there when she picks them up or drops them off until I can find out how to heal these scars I have from her. For those of you who think I am in the wrong, or even making this up. I wish I was. I wish there was something I could do to fix the problems my family and I have but I am not sure what to do. When you are 12 you aren't grown and you want your parents there. Same for ages 13- forever I believe. I lost my parents young, and that hurt b/c they were still alive. But I am going to go to counseling, b/c I never want to be that parent to my children. I never want my children to think I love either one more. I know sometimes I yell at my oldest the most, and I don't want her thinking anything like I think. Also I am going to look forward to my future. Families come in all shapes and sizes. My family is the hispanic guys I live. Family = there when you need them, and love you unconditonally. THats the guys for me. My own family never loved me uncoditonally. I always have to give back something to get something from them. SO I appreciate you all being here for me. I am feeling better today, yesterday I was on the verge of comitting myself to a hospital. Today I woke up realizing that I need to stop blaming myself for everything. IT's not all my fault. It's not all my responsibility to try to carry my family on my shoulders. I woke up realizing that the only people I need to help are the ones who want my help and are willing to help me back. Even my kids help me. Yesterday my oldest saw me crying. I stopped crying for her but it was 2 late. She goes and makes me a picture that says I love my mom 1,000000000000000. That meant a lot.
Originally Posted By A Happy Haunt Katie you seem like a good person, just from chatting on LP, & I'm shocked this is the story. You can be control your own action, not others. God bless
Originally Posted By RoadTrip I also had a difficult relationship with my father while growing up. While I was never hospitalized, he was physically abusive. Part of that was the times... back then whipping a kid with a belt was generally seen as an acceptable form of punishment. Because of his work he was frequently away on business trips. Even when he was in town he frequently worked late and did not get home until I was in bed. I didn't have much time with him and the time I had was frequently bad. I didn't have much of a relationship with him when I was an adult. He died when he was only 55 years old. For months afterward I had dreams where I got into violent fights with him. I spent a lot of time thinking about it and came to the conclusion that no one sets out to be a bad parent. Some are just much better suited to it than others. I came to realize that he probably did about the best he could with the capabilities he had. I forgave him and the dreams stopped. I've come to realize that he did love me very much, and I wish I had done more to try to have a relationship with him as an adult. Life is difficult for everyone, and we all fall short of being the person we would really like to be. I'm not saying that you are in any way at fault. But try to forgive you parents. It is the only way you will ever truly achieve peace.
Originally Posted By KatieKate123 I defenitely want to forgive my parents, and I want to forgive my sister. This is why I am seeking counseling. I want to do it b/f its 2 late. I do not think my sister needs forgiveness b/c she has done nothing wrong. It's just her being the favorite has put a bridge on our relationship. Though I love my sister to death, I can't look at her and not realize that both of my parents love her the most. I also do not believe parents set out to be bad parents. I do believe that some parents should never be parents though. My sister was born 6 years b/f me. There was a huge gap between our ages, and I think that I was a mistake child. I will never think otherwise unfortunally. I do know that I need to forgive myself for what I did wrong, and become a better mom to my own children. I try to be home every day when they get home from school. The first thing we do is have a snack, and then we do homework, and then I cook dinner while they play outside. nights are reserved for different items. monday - horseback riding Tuesday - dance Wednesday - I have school Thursday - usually movie nights Friday - out to dinner with the guys and also half the time after school activities which the guys also participate in. They really love my kids, and take off early for special events. Saturday - Girls day only where we try to make a girls day trip to somewhere last week we went apple picking. Sundays are weird b/c we have family day. 1/2 time is with the guys 1/2 its with just daddy it's a every other week thing. So I try to learn from my parents mistakes and make my children's lives better but I still have emotional scars that need to heal.
Originally Posted By FerretAfros It sounds to me like you are begining to take all the right steps to break the cycle and get things to change. It will undoubtedly be a difficult time for you, your kids, and your family, but I think you will come out of it stronger. It takes a lot to stand up to the way things have been for so long and try to change it. It won't be an easy process, but it sounds like you're doing the right thing. And on a completely unrelated note, what instrument did you play in the band? I play trombone, so it's always fun to meet other band folks out there.
Originally Posted By LuLu Katie, you sound like a very strong person, and I know you'll do well with this. I'm amazed at how well you turned out already! I might suggest that you hold off on sending the letter to your mother til you speak to your counselor. With a difficult relationship like this, you need to measure out every word. I wish you all the best, and hope you'll keep us posted.
Originally Posted By LPFan22 FWIW... I had to write a "letter" to my father a couple of years ago and I couldn't have done it without the help of my therapist at the time. She helped me put words in place so that I wouldn't regret anything. I wouldn't have done it any other way.
Originally Posted By KatieKate123 I also played the Trombone so thats really cool. But I am a girl so in my band it was 6 guys and 1 girl trombonist. Also my band director always put sections together on the bus. So on my bus there were the lower brass, and the drummers. 24 guys 2 girls. We had to get changed on the bus luckily my bus driver let us switch over to the flute bus lol. Anyways Yea I am feeling better. I had my first counseling session yesterday and she told me that I can only take control of my own actions, and to just let go of everything else.
Originally Posted By SpokkerJones I'm not entirely sure why you and others in similar situations want people to change. Blood is not necessarily thicker than water. Those we call our family are not chosen by us. They do not automatically deserve your respect, admiration and/or love. I would have given up on connecting with these people a long time ago and turned to the real loved ones in my life.
