Originally Posted By Anim8ed1 My friend & her boyfriend of 2 yrs. just had a HUGE fight. She wanted to start her own business about 2 1/2 yr. ago & needed $10,000.00 from her boyfriend. He agreed, & gave her the money. During that time, he never seemed to let on to my friend nor to me, or our other mutual friends that he WASN'T happy doin' this for his girlfriend. In fact, he showed a lot of support. In the last yr. my friend finally broke even, and became successful in her business venture. Even though the business has been successful, there is always so much work to do owning her own business, & my friend seems to be almost glued to her work post. She doesn't go out as much as she use to, nor does she look after herself like she used to by going to the gym regularly, getting mani/pedicures, or spending anytime in salons. To me she still looks beautiful, however her boyfriend is starting to tick me off now by his snide remarks recently. Like "They're having a great deal at Bally's"...etc. (That's a fitness gym to those of you who may not know.) Despite this now, her boyfriend wants to marry her, & hire other employees to take over, including a manager so that my friend does'nt have to work anymore. I personally didn't see that as a bad idea. My friend on the other hand doesn't want to get married, & says she is just not "ready". She told me she feels her boyfriend just wants her to go back to the way she was before the business, & be way under his control. Here it comes boys............... The boyfriend shouted out in the angry argument (that I had the misfortune of hearing) YOU WOULDN'T BE ANYWHERE IF IT WASN'T FOR THE MONEY THAT I GAVE YOU!!! My friend is extremely hurt & upset, & told her boyfriend. "I'll pay back every red cent to you, you, blank." I just wanted to know from you guys out there married or single: have you ever said something in anger that you have regretted saying to a loved one? Also, how many of you like your girlfriend, or wife working rather than staying at home? How would you have dealt with this if you were in my friends, boyfriends, place? Is it wrong in your opinions for a girlfriend to accept money like an amout of 10grand?
Originally Posted By RoadTrip <<Is it wrong in your opinions for a girlfriend to accept money like an amout of 10grand?>> Yes. Unless there is a legal document drawn up detailing the conditions of the gift/loan, it is a VERY bad idea. They say never to loan money to relatives. Loaning it to a boyfriend/girlfriend is even worse.
Originally Posted By Anim8ed1 I don't believe there was any legal document drawn up. I too see this was a bad idea.
Originally Posted By Anim8ed1 However, I know my friend too, and she was very upfront & honest w/the money,& only used it for what it was intended for.....her business.
Originally Posted By Goofyernmost >I just wanted to know from you guys out there married or single: have you ever said something in anger that you have regretted saying to a loved one?< Haven't we all said something in times of anger that we regretted? Sounds to me like he doesn't regret it though. >Also, how many of you like your girlfriend, or wife working rather than staying at home?< If child raising were the reason for staying at home then I support it, otherwise I don't understand why anyone should think that, in today's economy, they should be able to have the luxury of not generating any income. If a guy thinks that way at this point in time, I can't help but thinking that he just crawled out of a cave and is unaware of today's world. I mean, why would anyone want to build a business to some degree of success and then walk away from it unless they found out they hated it. Reality check time. >How would you have dealt with this if you were in my friends, boyfriends, place?< Since there seems to be a lot of information that we don't have, I don't think we can logically answer that question. We don't know what they talked about, in private, what type of verbal agreements that were made or implied. I cannot logically wrap my brain around why anyone would think that someone would want to start a business and then abandon it. I just went a long way around to again say I don't think we can answer that without all the information. >Is it wrong in your opinions for a girlfriend to accept money like an amout of 10grand?< I don't necessarily think it is wrong in and of itself but some sort of "promise" might have been made. Either in the form of relationship or actual payback of the money that hasn't happened as expected. If an investment cannot be looked at strictly as an investment then it shouldn't be made. Accepting that much money would reasonably assume something attached to it, nobody is that generous. Some return of some sort must have been expected. If she took the money expecting that she wouldn't have to pay it back or have to deal with something in the form of repayment, then she was wrong to accept it. It's not much different than stealing under those terms.
Originally Posted By mrichmondj Sounds to me like the biggest issue between these two is that they don't communicate very well. At some point, I would think you would discuss your goals, life ambitions, career aspirations, monetary objectives, etc., etc. -- particularly after 2 and a half years! Just based on the short amount written in the first post, it appears that these two have diverging goals for their lives, but have failed to really tell each other about them.
Originally Posted By Phantom >>My friend & her boyfriend of 2 yrs. just had a HUGE fight.<< I'm guessing they are not in their early 20s? The answers may be a little different if they were. >>He agreed, & gave her the money. During that time, he never seemed to let on to my friend nor to me, or our other mutual friends that he WASN'T happy doin' this for his girlfriend. In fact, he showed a lot of support.<< He may have regretting giving the money, but felt obligated to, and tried to keep quiet about his feelings, because he thought 1) that's what a good boyfriend does, and 2) complaining about it won't do any good when she's still struggling. >>She doesn't go out as much as she use to, nor does she look after herself like she used to by going to the gym regularly, getting mani/pedicures, or spending anytime in salons. To me she still looks beautiful, however her boyfriend is starting to tick me off now by his snide remarks recently. Like "They're having a great deal at Bally's"...etc. (That's a fitness gym to those of you who may not know.)<< Men are visual creatures. True, most men "in love" will see their wife or significant other as attractive even if her appearance and grooming change somewhat, but the fact still remains that men are visual and if his girlfriend or wife has let herself go, he'll take that as sign of disrespect at worst, or at least undue complacency. I'm assuming this guy has a career... what would your friend think if he started to work less/earn less? If she lets herself go too much and he doesn't find her attractive anymore, certain important parts of relationship will no longer be physically possible. This is a reality of male physiology. >>Despite this now, her boyfriend wants to marry her, & hire other employees to take over, including a manager so that my friend does'nt have to work anymore.<< Why does she need a husband? Why does she even need a boyfriend??? Why would she want to marry a man who gave her $10,000 even though he may have had major reservations about doing so, and is unhappy with how she is taking care of herself? >>My friend on the other hand doesn't want to get married, & says she is just not "ready".<< What do you think that means? Is she seeing someone on the side? >>She told me she feels her boyfriend just wants her to go back to the way she was before the business, & be way under his control.<< Before she started the business, did she depend on him for money? The way to avoid being "under his control" if he is a boyfriend is to earn your own money, as she seems to be doing. >>The boyfriend shouted out in the angry argument (that I had the misfortune of hearing) YOU WOULDN'T BE ANYWHERE IF IT WASN'T FOR THE MONEY THAT I GAVE YOU!!!<< That's probably true. That doesn't mean she's obligated to marry him. She may, however, be obligated to pay him back. >>I just wanted to know from you guys out there married or single: have you ever said something in anger that you have regretted saying to a loved one?<< Who hasn't? Even it was true, we'll regret saying it. >>Also, how many of you like your girlfriend, or wife working rather than staying at home?<< This may not be a "control" issue. This may be a "roles" issue. I would not have a girlfriend living with me. I never ever made that mistake (yes, people, I consider that a mistake). However, once MARRIED, women should work until they have children. Once a child is involved, a woman should not work. Before I get jumped on... these roles can be reversed, though a man will never be able to breast feed, IF the woman will truly still respect her husband if she is the breadwinner and if he husband will still respect himself. If your friend doesn't want kids, tell her not to give up running the business, and not to get married in the first place. Once married and with children, someone needs to stay home to take care of the child, do the laundry, clean the home, etc. I know this isn't easy. I know we have a created a society dependent on taxing the income of two-career homes, but when you get down to it, the cost of the taxes, the transportation to work, the daycare, the business clothing, etc. almost makes the second income all for nothing anyway, at least financially. >>How would you have dealt with this if you were in my friends, boyfriends, place?<< I would never have given/leant the money to begin with. I'm not a savings & loan. >>Is it wrong in your opinions for a girlfriend to accept money like an amout of 10grand?<< It's not wrong if he freely gives it. Men freely give up money all of the time... they pay for the dates (even though men paying for the date is a throwback to when women did not earn income and lived in their father's or brother's home until married), they buy expensive jewelry for their girlfriend, they buy vacations for her... it goes on all of the time. It is usually STUPID of the men to do this, but it's not wrong for the women to accept these things.
Originally Posted By Anim8ed1 FYI: My friend & her boyfriend are in their late twenties. Personally, I believe what RoadTrip said made a lot of sense to me. I agree that whenever you take a loan/gift like that from someone you should have some legal document written up between the two of you. It looks as if what Jazzcat said is what my friend wants to do now. Pay up, & dump him. However.... Earlier today, I got a phone call from my friends boyfriend & he explained to me that he thought he was being kind to my friend by telling her to hire a manager, & a couple more employees to basically "run" the business now that things have broke even. He said he was very marriage minded, & thought since she "reached the goal that she set out to do, she could now settle down, & start to raise a family with him." He is basically now feeling that he got used for the dough, & because she doesn't want to marry him, that he has been taken. I sort of felt bad for him, even though he never apologized for yelling out the fact that he didn't think she would have gotten where she was today if it wasn't for his money, & his critical remarks were quite harsh. My friend told me even though she knows without this money from her boyfriend, she wouldn't have gotten her vision realized, she said what hurt the most was not just what was said, but HOW IT WAS SAID. I myself believe that money can really be the root of all evil. My friend felt, she was basically happy in her life right now, & didn't need this "slap" now. She felt just because she wasn't ready to get married yet, & (NO PHANTOM SHE IS NOT SEEING SOMEONE ON THE SIDE!) it didn't mean because her boyfriend was ready she should go "dance at his tune". She told me it was kinda an unspoken thing that basically the business was to be shared between them if they stayed together. I feel that was a mistake if not put on paper. She intends on paying him back now. Perhaps, mrichmondj said it correctly. I think my friend should have communicated her future goals more clearly, before accepting such a huge loan. She, however if knew what I just typed would disagree & say goals can be changed, & sometimes you can say & set all the goals in the world, but life can also get in the way. Goofyernmost: My friend above all, & her boyfriend, never wanted to "walk away" from a successful business. She wants to stay. He wanted her to just HIRE others to "take over" in the boutique, NOT SELL OR GIVE UP THE BUSINESS. During my phone call with my friends boyfriend, I told him what you had said about women working or staying home. That only child raising should be the only time a woman stays at home. Otherwise it would be a "luxury" staying at home not generating any income? TO MY SURPRISE....I mean this is a guy after all, he said "I DON'T BELIEVE WOMEN WHO STAY AT HOME, W/OUT KIDS IS A LUXURY AT ALL. THERE IS MORE TO BEING AT HOME THAN CHILD REARING. They cook, clean, take care of things like running a household." He wanted he said his wife to be, "to be there when he gets home, a nice clean home,& dinner on the table." I was SHOCKED when he said this to me cuz' I was thinkin' maybe this guy just wants a slave, but just cuz' society today doesn't promote this type of lifestyle, or heck even accepts it, it sounded kind of old-fashioned. I'm not so sure if that was SUCH a bad thing. Phantom: I totally disagree w/you about the fact that my friend's "letting herself go" meant any "disrespect or undue complacency",to her boyfriend. The reason for this is sometimes I think some men when they get a girlfriend/wife they feel well you better stay this way FOREVER. That is totally imature, & unrealistic. Life sometimes just gets in the way. Now granted, I don't mean for a minute that a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse should feel oh okay now that I have you, let's let everything go to blank. Not at all!!Let me clear when I said "letting herself go" I meant putting on a few pounds, not having mani/pedicures or styling her hair with the detail she used to, but that did not mean in any way letting things get way outta hand. Does loving a person for who they really are mean anything anymore?!? Also, just cuz a woman puts on a few pounds doesn't mean she cannot still be sexy or do things that are physical & be appealing to a man.....that's NOT impossible!! I think sometimes ppl have to many unrealistic expectations about things, & when communication ain't clear these are the kinds of things that can happen.
