Originally Posted By Dabob2 Hi everyone. I thought about putting this in Community since it is a wedding announcement after all, but most of the folks who know me on LP post here, and the whole topic still causes consternation with some folks, so... here it is. It think it may turn out to be a bit long, so be warned. Today on lunch hour Jerry and I went to the City Clerk in lower Manhattan and got our marriage license. We're gettin' hitched all good and legal-like next month. 15 years ago in November we got de facto married – with the church, the preacher, the reception, the band, the friends and family, the whole nine. Of course, it was not legally recognized, and we had no idea if and when it ever would be (this is before even Massachusetts did so). We did it because we loved each other and wanted to commit to a life together in celebration with the people we most cared about. Now that it will be recognized, we decided to get married legally with just a small ceremony, once again in November; I’d like to say for sentimental reasons, but really just so we can keep the same anniversary, because we’re lazy curs. We were going to do it last November; but we talked to a lawyer who said we’d then be in a weird legal netherworld where the state says “Congratulations – you’re married” and the feds say “Oh no, you’re not. You’re strangers as far as we’re concerned.” So there would be a different set of legal hoops to jump through compared to the ones we already jumped through when neither entity recognized it… then if the feds ever did, we’d have to UN-jump through some of those same hoops. He recommended waiting till SCOTUS ruled on DOMA. If, as expected by most court watchers, they overturned DOMA then we’d be in a much better place. That made sense to us, and it does feel good that my own damn country will now recognize my marriage. If DOMA had been upheld, I’m sure we would have gone ahead and at least gotten the state-recognized marriage, but most court watchers thought that Kennedy would join the liberals and do the right thing… So we waited, and of course sure enough this past May DOMA bit the dust. So we said “Okay, this coming November, then.” Which is now right around the corner. Looking at this marriage license to my left on the desk, I’m experiencing emotions that are surprisingly strong and somewhat unexpected, since we knew since May we’d be doing this. It’s hitting me that I ACTUALLY HAVE THIS DOCUMENT SITTING NEXT TO ME. I’m being treated as an equal by my society and government(s). If you’ve lived your life taking that as a given, which I have not, it may be hard to explain what I’m feeling. And it’s hitting me how many people had to fight literally for decades, and face such hatred and hostility and even violence just so that I could be looking at that piece of paper. I am cognizant of that, and I am grateful for it. I’m thinking back to the days – not all that long ago, still in my lifetime and certainly before - when nearly everyone passed for straight because not doing so exposed you not only to opprobrium – a word I use because Scalia still insists it’s the appropriate reaction to us – but job loss, arrest and possible imprisonment in some places, a loss of all societal status almost everywhere, and often violence. With the consequences for coming out well known, almost no one did. So we were invisible. Most people knew we existed – somewhere, in the shadows – but surely miniscule in number, surely no one they knew personally, and worthy of nothing but scorn. This, of course, was a vicious circle. If almost no one came out, it was more difficult – and indeed could feel impossible – for anyone to come out. The bigotry and the scorn was self-enforcing, and indeed internalized by so many gay people. If “everybody” believed these things about us, surely they must be at least partly true? Lived with that crap myself; passed for straight till well into my 20’s, until I finally said “enough.” I’m of that generation where it felt impossible to come out in high school or even college (though a few did in college), and it was a big internal struggle after that between continuing to pass and saying “Enough. This is who I am.” In earlier generations, it was even harder for anyone to get to that point. And yet… there were those brave souls who did. Harry Hay, James Baldwin, Del Martin, Jack Nichols, March on Washington organizer Bayard Rustin – all of them said “enough” well before most others, and paved the way. I am cognizant of that, and I am grateful for it. Flash forward a bit, and many more people are out… but much of the bigotry remained and it remained difficult even in a city like New York to get a simple anti-discrimination bill passed. You have certain cities with decent numbers of out people, but still huge swaths of the country with almost everyone still hiding. And then, of course, we have to suddenly re-shuffle our priorities from trying to move forward to simply staying alive. In a decade in which the President didn’t even utter the word “AIDS” until tens of thousands had already died and in which scores of other politicians tried to block funding because it wasn’t killing anyone “worth saving,” and in which a decade of fitful progress came to a screeching halt and in many ways went in reverse, we had to save ourselves when no one else would and focus most of our attention on that. So we did. And the only silver lining to the whole thing was that invisibility became, if not impossible, at least harder to justify. But wow, I look back on the 80’s sometimes and I’m amazed we made any progress at all. But we did, if only because the activism became more urgent – because it had to. And it was when I personally said “enough.” And I think of all the people who worked for the movement in the face of such fear and ignorance and their own grief and once again – I’m cognizant of it, and I’m grateful for it. Flash forward some more. A few hardy souls start talking about marriage equality. They are largely met with derision and condescension by a majority of straight people, and even wariness from other gay people, like it’s a tactical error to talk about “the M word.” But they keep talking anyway. The backlash is intense and state after state votes to prohibit such an outrageous thing, either through the legislatures or (more depressingly) at the ballot box. State after state tells me “No, you are not my equal. Don’t be thinking that you are. And we can enshrine that in law.” But then a funny thing happens. Some courts actually apply the concept of equal protection of the law to the institution of marriage. And as a result, some states start marrying same-sex couples. The sky does not fall. And then the debate is truly joined. The movement towards acceptance moves slowly at first. Polls stubbornly refuse to crack 20% for a long time. A good percentage of Americans wrestle with it, for instance saying that civil unions might be okay, but don’t call it “the M word.” And yet support grows steadily. It can seem glacial, but the trend is nonetheless unmistakably all in one direction. By the end of the 2000’s, the floodgates open, with acceptance growing remarkably quickly. The President of the United States says he now favors marriage equality. For the first time, voters at ballot boxes vote it in. It’s a clean sweep for equality in the 2012 elections. Yes, there were leaders in this movement – Evan Wolfson, certainly, and groups like the HRC and others – but mostly this was a truly grassroots, one-mind-changed-at-a-time thing. People like me, though it's not yet recognized by the state, get de facto married anyway. We do it because it’s important to us, but a side benefit is that all the straight people in our lives see that we ARE married – as married as they are – but without the recognition or the legal protections. That strikes them as unfair. People like me also talk about the issue on message boards like this one and thousands of others. And we find some straight people displaying all kinds of hostility and ridiculous arguments. And yet – we also find some straight people supporting us. And then more. And then more. (For a fascinating, if sometimes depressing blast from the past, check out <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://mb.laughingplace.com/MsgBoard-T-70603-P-1.asp">http://mb.laughingplace.com/Ms...-P-1.asp</a> from 2005. Ultimately closed by the moderators for the nastiness.) Minds get changed. People are persuaded. We see it right here, and it’s echoed all over the country. The movement accelerates, and as with the question of integration vs. segregation 50 years ago, the movement is all in one direction. Support for equality now routinely polls over 50% with opposition only in the 30’s (the rest undecided.) One poll this year – the only one I’ve seen ask this question, though there may have been others – said that fully 33% of Americans who thought same-sex couples should be allowed to legally marry said they once held the opposite view and had changed their opinion. Straight allies have been instrumental in letting courts and legislatures know they can do the right thing –and of course in some states they have voted for it directly. Forums like this have done their part to change minds. In both cases, I am cognizant of this, and I am grateful for it. And today…something I once thought I’d never see in my lifetime – and later was confident that I would because of all of the above - is sitting on the desk right next to me. A marriage license with my name on it, and Jerry's. And yes, it’s meaningful and powerfully affecting because it’s a marriage license and all that goes along with that – even though 99% of what goes along with it was taken care of 15 years ago, it does sort of all come flooding back – but there’s a whole other level of meaning it’s having for me looking at it right now… which I’ve been clumsily trying to convey. What has happened in my lifetime to the reality of being a gay person in America. It’s amazing… maddening sometimes that it ever had to be a fight to begin with… but right now it just feels great. More work remains. Still only 14 states have marriage equality. It’s still legal to fire someone, just for being gay in 30+ states. Read any message board on marriage or non-discrimination or anything gay-related and you’ll see the hostility is a long way from gone. But damn if we haven’t come a long way. And in a couple of weeks I’m going to take a few more steps with my husband, say “I do” and sign that paper that’s sitting on my desk now. And even though we’re already married, it’s going to be huge.
Originally Posted By Dabob2 Nice and concise! Thanks. ( And forgive the verbosity. It just poured out.)
Originally Posted By RoadTrip That's OK... it was interesting reading. While I can be a bit of an economic conservative, I've long been a social liberal. For a long time I figured that government should get out of the marriage business... that it should grant NOTHING but legal unions to anyone, leaving the matter of marriage up to the individual churches. But over time I came to see that wouldn't have really worked... among other things it would have voided 10's of millions of existing marriages and turned them into legal unions; something the majority would never support.
Originally Posted By ecdc That was beautiful, and the news of your marriage makes me happier than I ever could have guessed. So many congratulations.
Originally Posted By ecdc >>(For a fascinating, if sometimes depressing blast from the past, check out <a target="blank" rel="nofollow" href="http://mb.laughingplace.com/Ms...-P-1.asp">http://mb.laughingplace.com/Ms...-P-1.asp</a> from 2005. Ultimately closed by the moderators for the nastiness.)<< Someone seriously needs to file that away alongside the writings of Charles Fitzhugh and the White Citizen Councils. Children in history class can study it while they watch Eyes on the Prize and read Uncle Tom's Cabin.
Originally Posted By SingleParkPassholder That thread, it just shows the absolute ignorance of some people and the utter inability to consider another point of view. And I'm not talking about the pro gay crowd. And an absolutely large helping of crow for the King of Obfuscation, bad old you know boo hoo.
Originally Posted By TomSawyer COngratulations, Dabob. I'm sorry that it had to take so long for the obvious to become obvious.
Originally Posted By CuriousConstance I really couldn't be happier for you Dabob. I've really grown fond of you on this fun, little website, and it truly makes me happy to know that you're finally getting what you should have all of those years ago.
