Originally Posted By officerminnie So my SIL was visiting from AZ last weekend and confided in me that her 31 year old son (my very favorite nephew) had come out to her and my BIL last January. They have not told any other family members yet (tolerance is not an attribute for some, I guess). She said that she would be telling him the next day that I am "clued in" now. My question is (because I want him to know how proud I am of him and how happy I am that he does not have to hide anymore), do I send a card? Call him? Wait to hear it from him? What I would really love to do is congratulate him, tell him how happy I am for him, and how much I love him. But I don't want to make him uncomfortable. Or make a bigger deal of it than he wants it to be. FWIW, he is very easy to talk to and one of the kindest souls I know. So, any suggestions from my LP friends would be greatly appreciated. These are uncharted waters for me.
Originally Posted By gottaluvdavillains I would send him a note letting him know you love him and you are happy he has found the courage to be honest with the family and himself, and that it doesn't matter to you - and all that does matter is that he is happy.
Originally Posted By Inspector 57 officerminnie, how very cool of you! As your in-laws fear, not everyone is even "tolerant" of gayness. YOU, on the other hand, are not only okay with it, but you understand your nephew's situation to the point that you feel proud and happy for him for coming out. AND you want to make the effort to convey that to him. Very, very cool of you! My suggestions: Don't wait for him to bring it up. It took him until he was 31 to bring it up to his parents. Although the conversation apparently went well, he may still feel anxiety about initiating that same conversation with others. (Yes, even with you, even though you two have a good relationship, and even though he knows you know.) One of the most amazing things in life to me is that it can be so impossible to predict how a person will react to a loved one's "coming out." I have personal friends who've been "ex-communicated" from their seemingly wonderful and loving parents for coming out. I have also personally experienced that many conservative, religious, and/or "redneck" people -- the folks you'd think would react most negatively -- are completely okay upon learning that their kid/nephew/friend is gay. I'm sure your nephew has had similar experiences and has heard similar stories. Those experiences and stories make it seem as though one can never really tell how anyone will react -- which makes it really scary to "come out" each and every time. You'll be doing him a favor by bringing it up yourself. As to HOW you do it... Don't worry. Just do it however works for you. Personally, I favor a phone call. That allows him hear your intonation and sincerity, and it gives him a chance to respond. And a chance for the two of you to talk. But if a card or an email is more comfortable for you, that works, too. I know these are "unchartered waters" for you, but rest assured that your reaching out to him -- no matter how you express your acceptance and love for him -- will mean the world to him. You're not going to go wrong. Maybe this analogy will work... I always hated funeral home visits, and I was always rendered practically speechless by them. I had no idea what to say to the closest survivors. I just knew that whatever I said would be cliche and meaningless, or, worse, would be inappropriate, insensitive, and painful. Then my father died. For the first time, *I* was one of those closest survivors. And I discovered then that *every* expression of sympathy and support was meaningful and touching and helpful -- no matter how simple it was or how awkwardly it was expressed. It truly was the thought that counted. He's lucky to have you as an aunt. Your continued love and support and card/email/call is going to reassure him that he's okay and that the world is okay. THANK YOU, officerminnie!
Originally Posted By davewasbaloo Hi Officerminnie, you have already had some excellent advice. I thought about how would I handle this? Personally I would give him a call without at first mention him coming out. I would talk to him as per normal, show my affection and then try to move the conversation in mentioning the situation and showing your support and pride. I would probably brief his parents 1st in case something did go sour (i.e. him not being happy about his parents telling you?) Best of luck. It sounds like you can really be there for him. It's a real shame it took him so long, but at least he now feels he can be true to himself. Excellent.
Originally Posted By DVC_dad officerminne, You are truly a wonderful person and a kind soul. The mere fact that you love and care about your nephew NO MATTER WHAT is certainly the most gracious gift or form of "gratz" that you can bestow on him. I am guessing, but I'll bet he already knows that you are fine with who he is, and that he loves you as well. Of course it never hurts to tell someone how you feel. As for your question, I don't know what I would do, but being that you really love and care about him, and being that he probably knows that; I think you won't be able to make a mistake with him, I'm sure.
Originally Posted By disneydad109 I would talk to him in person.If he has issues with telling the world that's his heart ache.I feel that if he is happy being "out" I would not send a card.Would you send one if he wasn't gay. It's just a another way of being a person and it's really not good or bad it's just how the Lord made him.I do hope he wakes up each day happy in his heart ans mind.maybe He would like to contact you when he readly for "that " conversation.
Originally Posted By MOLLYSMOM My nephew is also gay. He told the family about 10 years ago, right after he graduated from high school. Luckily, our family is very tolerant, but he was still a bit nervous. He just said, "I'm gay, I hope you all can deal with it." His grandmother looked at him and said, "Ok, that's fine, dear." He has been with his partner Tony for 8 years, and Tony is loved and accepted by all of us. I will keep good thoughts that your nephew will have your family's love and support.
Originally Posted By JazzCat Well, today IS the next day so she may have already told him. I would give it a few hours and then call him. If he brings it up, proceed with what you want to tell him. Give him a chance to express his feelings on the subject first and let him set the direction of the conversation. p.s. I'm proud of him too! And you are an awesome aunt!
Originally Posted By alexbook >>do I send a card?<< I just had to smile at that. I wonder if Hallmark has one. ;-)
Originally Posted By murfsmom one of my closest friends is gay, i was talking to him about this and he said, well remember it's taken him all these years to come out and it must have been very emotional for him. just be uplifting and supportive, i'm sure you will say the right thing, just talk from your heart and you can't go wrong !!
Originally Posted By Shiva The world has changed quite a bit in the past 50 years. Most of we guys were brought up a little homophobic. I look around on LP and see a very high level of acceptance for people as they are. We don't seem to refer to someone as being our "gay" friend, just "our friend". Hopefully the rest of the world will follow our example. officerminnie, best wishes to your nephew, it sounds like he is a great guy. If it was me, I think I would just get him a card telling him how much you love him and how proud you are of him. He'll understand what you're saying.
Originally Posted By officerminnie Okay, so I just decided to call him and play it by ear, and it seems that was the right thing to do. I let him know how proud I am of him and how I cannot possibly know how hard it must have been for him all these years, but I have so much empathy for him, and that I love him more than ever. We had a great chat and he is stopping by my mom's on Thanksgiving after he takes his own grandma to dinner. I told him I've been saving a huge hug for him since my conversation with his parents, so he is coming to collect it .
Originally Posted By officerminnie Oh, shoot - thank you everyone for your wonderful advice and support!
Originally Posted By murfsmom i'm so happy you called him(and i'm sure he is to)you can't go wrong when you speak from your heart !! have a wonderful thanksgiving !!!!!!!!!!
Originally Posted By Inspector 57 Amen, murfsmom! officerminnie, I'm so glad you called him. I bet it meant more to him than he could say. Thank you for giving us the follow-up!
Originally Posted By Shiva officerminnie, Thank you so much for the update. I'm so glad you called him. From your earlier post it was pretty obvious just had much you love your nephew and how much he means to you. I'm willing to bet that he feels closer to you than he ever has. Do me a favor, give him that hug you promised him and then give him another one from us.
