Originally Posted By Pixie Glitter Rules for Cats I. DOORS Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it's raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs. II. CHAIRS AND RUGS If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot. III. BATHROOMS Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I) It is not necessary to do anything - just sit and stare. IV. HELPING If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping"; humans are known to refer to it as hampering". The following are the rules for "helping": a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim - to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump. V. WALKING As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills. VI. BEDTIME Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned. VII. COMPUTERS 1: Only show interest in computers that are turned ON, the operator will need your help. 2: Monitors are bad for human eyes. It might ruin your owner's sight and cause them to buy less cat food. Always get in between the monitor and the person operating the computer. For best results, stands as close to the monitor as possible. If you are removed, go and sulk in a corner for a minute, then repeat. Look as innocent as possible. 3: Keyboards are great to lie down on. Make yourself as comfortable as possible. Marching over the keyboard several times is fun too. Practice aiming at alt-F4, N, and ctrl-alt-del. 4: Always chase the mouse. Your owner can't blame you for this, since it's your feline instinct to chase mice. 5: Floppy disk make great scratching posts. Nothing beats floppies when it's time to sharpen your nails.
Originally Posted By quincytoo OMG My cats know these rules!!!!! They also practice them each and every day!
Originally Posted By Pixie Glitter LOL! No kidding, especially the one about always accompanying people to the bathroom.
Originally Posted By goodgirl Lately my kittie, Yvonne, insists on sitting right in front of my monitor.
Originally Posted By Megara I had to laugh, these are all so very true. <<I. DOORS After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things.>> Bianca howls to have the door opened and when I open it, she proceeds to flop on the mat outside and roll onto her back and stays there ! So I have to pick her up and bring her into the house. <<IV. HELPING If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping";>> Bianca follows me around the house all night long and wants to be “involved†in every cupboard and drawer opening and every activity. I guess I never thought of it as “helping†before. <<VI. BEDTIME If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.>> Bianca and Koda either lay between us and stretch out like limos so we are on the edge of the bed all night. Or if they are heat seeking, Koda lays in front of you across your stomach and Bianca lays behind your knees and you are pinned. Of course for some unknown reason, you don’t want to wake or disturb them, so you just put up with it – even though they have all day to sleep. You forgot Rule VIII – Getting expelled from the house When Koda hears keys in the mornings he going into hiding. He knows we are going to work and doesn’t want to go outside, so he hides under the spare bed, dining chairs, behind couches etc. We spend 10 minutes looking for him. Now we have to close doors or open his toy drawer and he comes running out of nowhere – gets him everytime !
Originally Posted By sherrytodd My kitty Calvin is an expert at the walk under your feet as you walk down the stairs. If I ever stop posting you'll know what happened.
Originally Posted By disneydad109 If you have just a little too much to drink you don't even need a cat to do some of the above.
Originally Posted By threeundertwo >> When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human's bare foot.>> This is so sadly true. I let my husband get up first these days. I lost a beloved pair of slippers to a bad urp. I just took one look and threw them out. I'll add another rule: Never let the human have all the jigsaw puzzle pieces. They are really just there for you to bat off the table and play hockey with. It's the human's fault if they get lost under the couch.
Originally Posted By Loreigh LoL Sooo True <<<VI. BEDTIME Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.>>> I keep having nightmares about being smoothered and I wake up to find both my kittens sleeping on top of me!
Originally Posted By alexbook Bob is particularly helpful when I'm trying to tie my shoelaces in the morning. Another rule involves meowing. Meowing is a good way to a human's attention. Valid reasons for meowing: - you're hungry - you're thirsty - your litter box is dirty - you want to go out - you want to be picked up - you want to be played with - you want to be left alone - you're cold - you're hot - you want to drive your human crazy trying to figure out what you're meowing for
Originally Posted By Megara Another Rule Playing Chasey with your owner when you hear the words Vet, bath, nail clipping, tablets or outside. When I want to catch Koda for various reasons, he lays in wait and sits there innocently and pretending to be still, waits for me to get within 1 inch of getting him and then he RUNS at the last second … and keeps doing it, thinking it’s a big game. Frustrates the **** out of me. What about listing the crazy habits of our cats. I have a list a mile long. Would love to have a laugh at what your cats do.
Originally Posted By Megara What about furniture clawing. They have a perfectly good funky hollow tree that cost me over $400 that doubles as a sleeping, scratching and all purpose cat activity centre... but they prefer to sharpen their claws on my new covered couches.
