Originally Posted By 999HAUNTS A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing," replied the drunk.
Originally Posted By Lady Starlight Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels, in fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then The phone rings...It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No..." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!
Originally Posted By Inspector 57 Okay, okay... the lead-up to this is going to be ten times longer than -- and probably ten times better than -- the joke. But it's my favorite drunk joke. When the MGM Grand -- "The World's Largest Hotel, Casino, and Theme Park!" -- opened in Vegas, the place was a veritable pastiche of excessive and confusing themes. There was a cornfield, a rainbow, and a Wicked Witch up front. A jockey on a horse on top of a bar in back. Trees dripping with jewels in the elevator lobby. And tons more. My favorite little bar was the "Betty Boop Bar," which featured, naturally enough, a life-sized audioanimatronic Foster Brooks. (WTF?!) Foster would come to life every twenty minutes or so and do one of the three routines in his loop. The scenario was that he was, well... Foster Brooks, doing his stand-up act for the patrons of the lounge. One of the routines began with, "Helllo. I waaaaaaaannt to ap-- apppp -- apppPOLogiesh for bein' druuuunnnk. But I have a very good reashon for bein' druuuuuuuunk tonight. Yesh. A veerrry good resh-- resh-- reashon: You see... I been DRINKIN' all day! Okay, okay, maybe you had to be there. One of the reasons the Betty Boop Bar was my favorite late-night MGM hang-out is that I became drinking buddies with Bobby Hatfield there. We'd chat and knock a few back while playing quarter video poker late into the night. And -- this surprised the heck out of me! -- the man with one of the most beautiful voices in the world would smoke as if cigarettes were going out of style. [Oops! Was that supposed to STAY in Vegas?!]
Originally Posted By Kar2oonMan A man and his dog walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! No dogs allowed, pal!" "But sir, this is no ordinary dog. He talks!" says the man. The bartender is skeptical, but agrees to give the man a free beer if the dog does talk. "What's on top of this building"" the man asks the dog. "ROOF!" replies the dog. The bartender scowls. "Wait, there's more..." the man says. "What is the texture of sandpaper?" "RUFF!" replies the dog. The bartender gets impatient. "Okay, pal, you and your dog will have to g--" "Wait!" the man says. "Just one more!" He turns to the dog and asks "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "ROOF!" replies the dog. The bartender throws both of them out of the bar and into the street. As the man slowly picks himself up and begins dusting himself off, the dog says, "Was it DiMaggio?"
Originally Posted By friendofdd A man walks into a bar and orders a specific 1978 brandy. The bartender finds he does not have it, but has the same in a good 1984 and, thinking the man will not know the difference, serves it. The man sips and spits it out, saying "I told you I wanted 1978. This is a 1984. Please get me what I ordered." The bartender goes into the back room and finds the same brandy in a 1991 vintage which he serves, hoping it will not be discovered. The man knows immediately it is a 1991 and demands the bartender bring him the 1978. He goes, again, into the back room and starts rumaging for a 1978. In the bar, an inebriated man sitting in the corner speaks to the brandy orderer. "Shay mishter, come tashte thish" and offers a partially full drinking mug. "What did you say?", says the man. "I shaid come tashte thish", offering the mug again. His curiosity getting the better of him, the brandy man approaches the sot's table, picks up the mug and takes a taste. He quickly spits it out and says "That is awful. It tastes like piss!" "Well, it is!" says the sot, "but how old am I?"
Originally Posted By Lisann22 A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. he grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks," How did you do that???? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!!!" The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes tot the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. he drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him," You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."
