Originally Posted By pacomama I’m hoping you guys can give me some advice on helping someone with depression. Here’s the situation: My mother-in-law (Patty) is a very loving, caring person. She’s dealt with a lot of loss in her life, including her father dying of a heart attack at the age of 56, her mother dying in a car accident at 62 and her brother and his wife dying of drug overdoses very young in life. Her remaining family consists of her husband, and three adult children. About one month ago, Patty made the difficult but necessary decision to put down her 13 year old German Sheppard, Pasha. This dog was so well taken care of that I used to joke that when I died, I wanted to come back as Patty’s dog. Unfortunately, the years caught up with Pasha. So, now, Patty is heartbroken. I talked to her the day Pasha died, but since then, Patty has pretty much cut off all contact with her family. My husband’s birthday was November 4. The dog’s birthday was November 2nd. My father-in-law called to wish my husband a happy birthday, and explain that they wouldn’t be seeing him because Patty was grieving for the dog. Since that time, we’ve called and left messages for Patty that go unreturned. It turns out that they had gone to Eureka (about 300 miles away from their home) to visit Patty’s mother’s and brother’s gravesite because it would have been her brother’s birthday. We live 2 miles away from them, yet they never came over on my husband’s birthday and still haven’t 2 weeks later. I’m having a very hard time understanding why she’d rather spend time with dead relatives and pets than her living son. It seems to me that one thing that all this loss should have taught her is that life is precious and short and we should live each day to the fullest. Anytime I start feeling down, it’s time to plan a trip to Disneyland. Patty is a huge Disneyland fan but her visits have been few and far between because Pasha didn’t like the Disneyland kennel. I thought that maybe Patty would want to go now because she’s never been during the holidays, but she’s declined our invitation. I want to know how to help her. I want to understand how she can feel the way she does. Does anyone have any insight?
Originally Posted By goodgirl She needs to be clinically diagnosed by a health care professional. You would do her a big favor by confronting her on this issue. Tell her you care. Tell her you are concerned. Work with her to make a doctors appointment. Take her to the appointment if need be. People do not need to suffer from clinical depression. Talk therapy combined with drug therapy can do wonders. Pacomama, a close friend did the above for me many years ago. At a point when I saw no reason for going on, she stepped in and literally pushed me to calling my doctor. You can also google depression for some of the major support sites. Look for information on how family and friends can provide support.
Originally Posted By TomSawyer Grief sort of has to work itself out, I think. If your husband can, have him talk to his father about what's going on and see what you can do to help. When I'm in a bad spot, I prefer to be alone until I get through it. She might be feeling the same way. I don't like people telling me how sorry they are for my loss, or those looks of concern they give me. It makes me pretty uncomfortable. It does sound like there is some depression involved in this. You might ask your father-in-law about that as well. I don't know what kind of woman she is, but she might talk to her doctor about that as well. She might need a little help getting her chemistry back into balance.
Originally Posted By TomSawyer Pacomama, I sent your post to my wife. She's a psychologist. She won't see it for a few hours, but as soon as she gives me her insight I'll let you know what it is.
Originally Posted By Kennesaw Tom You want to keep in mind that people deal with loss differently. Its normal for someone to go through some form of grief when they loose a pet. Please don't take Patty's behavior personally. What I would suggest is maintaining contact with Patty by phone or in person. Go to her home and visit. Suggest ways that you and your husband could assist Patty in her grief and remberence of the dog; perhaps a donation to the local dog shelter, or perhaps a german shepard christmas ornament for the christmas tree. My concern here is that Patty is confronting her own mortality.
Originally Posted By pacomama You guys have some good insight. Patty had been clinically diagnosed with depression and is (supposed to be) on medication. I'm not 100% sure she's still taking them. I know my husband is trying to not take things personally and I think he's doing a better job of it than I am. As for rememberance of the dog, well, they had him creamated and placed in an urn that is now atop the mantle. I think this type of reminder isn't helping her depression at all, but then, I obviously don't think like Patty.
Originally Posted By TomSawyer This is from my wife - this isn't a professional diagnosis, just advice. She didn't know that your mother-in-law is already being treated for depression when she sent this, though. First of all, send a condolence card (if they haven’t already done so) with a sweet, loving and understanding note and give it time. If the MIL doesn’t seem to be starting to reconnect with her family in the next month, then try to talk to the husband about the seriousness of the depression including the potential of suicidal thoughts, and the need for at least an evaluation. The fact that the precipitating event is the death of a dog should not be any reason to underestimate the woman’s pain and loss. The loss of a pet can be just as difficult as the loss of a family member and sometimes the loss of pets causes more grief than the loss of humans b/c the pet represents an ideal relationship (whereas there’s always something flawed about our relationships with humans) or b/c the relationship with the pet sustained the person during other difficult times. Also, withdrawing to grieve is not an unusual reaction. She may uncomfortable being around people when she’s crying all the time. Furthermore, loss often triggers the memory of other losses that may be unresolved in some way. So in some ways, she may be re-grieving all the losses of her life. Grief is not depression. But it can turn into depression and does need to be evaluated after a certain amount of time. The evaluation may show that she’s just having an uncomplicated grief reaction or she may need therapy or meds for depression.
Originally Posted By pacomama Thanks so much, Tom. Your wife's perspective is very helpful. I think she's right about my MIL re-grieving. The holiday's are always difficult for her, but this year is going to be very tough. Patty is such a kind and loving person and she feels things very deeply. The entire family had been dreading Pasha's death because of how Patty would be affected. It's just been so much worse than we predicted.
Originally Posted By Inspector 57 <<You guys have some good insight. Patty had been clinically diagnosed with depression and is (supposed to be) on medication. I'm not 100% sure she's still taking them.>> That's pretty relevant to the situation. While there's not always a clear line between depressed/not depressed, knowing that she has been diagnosed with depression makes her behavior easier to understand. <<I know my husband is trying to not take things personally and I think he's doing a better job of it than I am.>> It's NOT personal, pacomama. One thing you can do to change the situation is to reduce the hurt, anger, puzzlement, whatever it is that you feel about her behavior. Learn more about depression. It's really hard, I think, for people who have never been depressed to understand the impact that depression can have, how powerfully it can change everyday life. (Just as it's hard for any of us to understand and "feel" any experience that's completely foreign to us.) Read some accounts of depressed people. They should be pretty easy to find in books, magazine articles, the internet. Visit a Depression site to learn more about its nature, expression, and treatment. I realize that that paragraph has the potential to come off as judgemental, as "You're being too hard on her." That's not how I meant it. I think that each of you is in a tough spot, and I'm sympathetic. I meant it as good news for you: you can do something that might help yourself feel a little less bad about your MIL's behavior.
Originally Posted By Inspector 57 ACK! I accidentally hit the "submit" button before saying that I wish you all peace. BTW, I think the idea of taking her to Disneyland is a great one, and generous of you. I suspect it's just too early.
Originally Posted By TomSawyer I just want to emphasize something I57 said - it isn't personal. It's a medical problem, and no more personal than if she had the flu.
Originally Posted By pacomama See, this is why I come here for advice. You guys give me the straight stuff. I've suffered some depression this year and I'm now on meds that are really helping me, but I just couldn't fathom a situation when I'd rather be with dead loved ones than the ones that are still alive. Inspector, you're right though. What I need to change is my perception of her actions.
Originally Posted By Pixie Glitter pacomama, by the time I got online, others have already voiced my thoughts and advice on this subject. So I will just add reinforcement to the fact that it is virtually impossible to fully grasp the magnitude of clinical depression unless you've been there yourself. The Inspector's suggestion to read the accounts of those with clinical depression is an excellent one. And as a former counselor, one of the best nutshell definitions I've ever heard of clinical depression is "crushing and overwhelming feelings of despair and hopelessness." Patty is very likely incapable of reaching out to others right now. And it is critically important that her family and friends continue to monitor her to ensure that she's not suicidal and that she's taking medication as appropriate. It really sounds like a doctor visit might be in order for her. There are some excellent links about depression on WebMD, including one on how to help a depressed loved one. Here's the link to that one: <a href="http://www.webmd.com/content/article/45/1663_51229.htm?z=1663_51206_6503_00_26" target="_blank">http://www.webmd.com/content/a rticle/45/1663_51229.htm?z=1663_51206_6503_00_26</a> I hope things improve for Patty and your entire family in the near future.
Originally Posted By debtee <So in some ways, she may be re-grieving all the losses of her life.> I agree with this statement.It could be what Patty is feeling. To cut a long story short. When I lost our twin boys at birth, I was very upset but managed to go on with everyday life. Two years after this loss my darling dog Tess died and I fell apart. No-body ( except my hubbie ) could understand why I was more upset at the loss of my dog then my children, they all thought I had gone mad. I don't think I was more upset at all, it's just that the loss of Tess was immense, as she was my friend and had always sat on my bed and listened to me cry whenever I was sad. She had helped me cope with the loss of my boys and losing her brought up all those hidden feelings that I had pushed down inside to cope after their deaths. I also had to walk her everyday and feed her...I did not realise at the time but this gave me things to do when It would have been easy to just stay in bed. Once she was gone I was lost. It took me a long long time to get over her death and even now I still think of her and my boys together, they are not seperate in my mind. Maybe Pasha's death has brought up feelings of Patty's past losses and she is greiving deeply at the moment. It does make it hard on the rest of the family as Patty sounds like she is usually a loving person that never misses family events, so her absense is noticed. Sending you a big hug pacomama to help you get through this hard time. I'm not at all suggesting this is the right thing for your family but in my case I was able to come out of my grief when my husband bought me a new Golden Retriever Puppy called Woody! I was cautious at first as he could not replace Tess but he is ADORABLE and soon jumped into my heart and made me get back to caring for him and to stop thinking about myself and my losses! He's now four years old and we love seeing his face when we awaken in the morning, I'm thankful my hubbie knew what I needed!
Originally Posted By Pixie Glitter Okay, so by the time I typed that out, you posted and I realize much of it is irrelevant. Discard that, and keep the good wishes!
Originally Posted By trailsend May I add just one thing. Everyone has given excellent advice and I feel sure that the point KT and TomSawyer made about your MIL facing her own mortality is so very right on. Also, as goodgirl pointed out, it would be very important for her to be seen by a physician. Because of her age. This is the point I want to make. I'm not sure of her age, but we women lose much of what has been sustaining us for all these years. Has she gone through menopause; or IS she going through it? This in itself reeks havoc with our emotions and well being and our ability to cope. So on top of being depressed, she is overwhelmed with hormones shutting down. She can't help it. Be there for her. It's a deep dark hole, but she can pull out.
Originally Posted By TomSawyer >>but I just couldn't fathom a situation when I'd rather be with dead loved ones than the ones that are still alive<< You should meet one of my uncles and two of my aunts.
Originally Posted By MissCandice Ok. Now I don't feel so completely weirded out by the fact that when my Tom died it triggered a massive depression that seriously crippled me for a few months. I kept on saying to myself that he was just a cat but I still couldn't pull myself together. Sorry to go off topic!
