Originally Posted By davewasbaloo Don't worry X, there are horrible things to be ashamed of in America, the UK and Japan as well. Just most people don't know or want to know. Sadly in my career I deal with a lot of the nasty stuff. I like to use Disney stuff to escape (it is why I prefer DAK and World Showcase to real travel), and LP allows me to blow off steam from time to time. Welcome to a part of my world, I've chosen my career to try to do something about it. SOmetimes I wish a stuck to trying to work for the mouse instead.
Originally Posted By Lisann22 You are absolutely right, not that I need to tell you that Dave about the horrible situations in most any country when it comes to our children. China's dying rooms are no secret. Well, maybe a lot of people chose not to know. Easier to sleep that way I guess. There have been plenty of news shows, magazine articles and such about the difficulting in adopting from foreign countries. My sister is a school teacher and for a long time taught in an area within the Bay Area where very affluent people chose to go overseas for their children (so that their "color" matched better) and ended up with kids from the area DVC_dad is enquiring about. As Dave outlined there are many many challenges for the children coming here to the US and things the parents generally never consider in their quest to have a child. My sister would have to deal with telling the parents why their children are slower than normal, not developing like the other kids, having seperation issues, not learning the language fast enough, feeling culturally abandon, the list goes on and on. She has seen many children not given the right amount of counseling and therapy required to help their development and adjustment to our world here and their new families. I'm not advocating anyone NOT do this. I'm just saying make sure your eyes are wide open along with your heart. Make sure you truly have the personal one on one time and energy for this child.
Originally Posted By davewasbaloo Lisa, I am totally with you. People have very noble ideas and these kids (both at home and abroad) need them. But it is something people need to really think long and hard about.
Originally Posted By davewasbaloo Ooops, I did not mean to kill this thread, I was just trying to be a critical friend to help people think through the decisions involved.
Originally Posted By DVC_dad Wow. Where do I begin? Hummm there is a lot to cover here. First Lisann, your input has helped open my eyes to some things I had not considered. Thank you. I have really researched and examined domestic adoption as well as reconsidering the "why" of it all. When asked "Why Russia, Ukraine, etc ?" Why not right there where you live?" the answers are uncomfotable, the real answers anyway. We are thinking through those answers. Dave, great info. Very helpful indeed. So, can I provide the time, the individual attention, the medical resources, the psychological treatment, the necessities far beyond what all of my kids put together need currently, and of course the money, the love, the dedication to work through or around all of the ugly baggage that may be attached...can I handle doing right by this adopted child? I agree that if the answer is truly "no" then its possible I could be doing the child a disservice by bringing them home with me. Who's to say the next couple through would have been able to gel the same child more; even grow them from hopeless orphan in Russia, to responsible member of Western Society? These are issues and concerns my wife and I take seriously. But If we can help just one child, just one... We are reconsiderin all of it. After talking to you LP'ers, talking to 4 families who've all been thru foreign adoption, reading every google link on the subject, we better understand what we are getting into. It's bigger than us. But we aren't intimidated. If nothing else, we are considering it for the right reasons. We could alter the life of a lost child. Its huge, complex, expensive, scary, risky, but in real terms, it's simple. We have dialed ourselves down from 90% Go, to 50% caution, 30% learning, 10% Go. When I get stuck on a decision, I boil the thing down to "right" and "wrong". Rarely is there a decision or set of facts that are not ultimately black and white according to MY subjective definitions. This one escapes me. My wife is very much in favor of adopting. I am as well, but sometimes in trying to do the right thing you can make the big picture worse. I don't want to do that. At this point we want to make sure we make the best decision. I'm not sure what to do, where to go next. China? Hummmm never thought of that. Maybe we should look into that.
Originally Posted By davewasbaloo Glad to help chris. If you need anything else, just say. I will be honest with you to help you guys decide what is right for your family. Good luck and big hugs
Originally Posted By Lisann22 Totally respect where you are. That's why I raised the questions I have. Not to make you uncomfortable but because I've been there and it's gut wrenching. I had so many questions go through my mind: 1. What would be worse to have problems with a "blood" child or an adopted child? Meaning would I have resentment (due to my decision, money spent, people I entrusted) if it were an adopted child on top of all the other normal feelings of raising a child and then having difficulties. I mean we are only human. 2. What do I do if I get the child and then their disabilities are far greater than I'm able to handle? How would that be different than a child borne to me? 3. What if the child just never got past leaving their country? How would I handle their questions as a older child/adult? 4. Would I be open to sharing thier culture with them and how does it fit into my current family? The list just goes on and on yet truly my heart says just get a child and love it. It's as simple as that. I so feel for your wanting to do the right thing DVC. I'm going on 45, I'm single and I have no children. My biological clock passed me by and soon so will by adoption timeline. ;<
Originally Posted By DVC_dad Lisann you are so right on with your concerns. Personally, having been adopted myself, and having a sister that wasn't adopted, I know first hand that at some point (and it may be different for everyone) the adopted child and the biological child become equal. Yes we are human, but it really happens that eventually the "adoption" difference falls away and gets lost forever by both the child and the parents. I'm sure people who have adopted can vouch for this. In fact I am SO sure that I'd bet any amount of money that you couldn't find a patent who would say different. I often say, and honesty believe, that I THOUGHT I knew what true love was, real agape unconditional love, until I had a child. Only then did I grasp it. I'm not saying its that's way for everyone, but it was for me. Let's do a two for one. We'll travel to where-ever and bring back one each. We discussed the posibility of adopting again last night. We just really are being cautious. We are totally undaunted by the problems the child may have, but at the same time we are beginning to think it better to wait until our current children get a bit older like say, 3 years or so from now. Its certainly not something to do spontaneously.
Originally Posted By Mr X ***I THOUGHT I knew what true love was, real agape unconditional love, until I had a child. Only then did I grasp it.*** Amen, brutha! It is really amazing, ain't it!? It's not like other kinds of love don't exist, they surely do (I love my wife very much, I loved my Grandmother to pieces)...BUT, it's a whole different level ain't it?
Originally Posted By imadisneygal What I also have experienced being a parent is how my children can push my buttons like no one else on earth. Why is that?!? (It's been a tough week with my 7 year-old. I love him more than anything - mom-love and the whole bit - but for crying out loud!)
Originally Posted By Lisann22 I totally get the unconditional love and the equalness. We have many adopted kids in our family. Usually I have to really stop to think and remember they are adopted. It's such a non-issue in my family. We have a saying in our family - it's harder to get out than get in. LOL! Good luck with your decision. I've been reading the "Wednesday's Child" site from the Atlanta TV news station. Makes you want to take these kids in immediately. <sigh>
Originally Posted By ajnhollysmommy (It's been a tough week with my 7 year-old. I love him more than anything - mom-love and the whole bit - but for crying out loud!) Must be something in the air with 7 yr olds! I am feeling the same way right now with my brat boy. Lisann~ I say go for it. you have alot to offer a child and a child has a lot to offer you! DVC Dad~ Maybe you can start the paperwork process for international adoption now, then when the time is right it may seem like the process did not take such a long time since you want to wait 3 yrs.
Originally Posted By threeundertwo >>What I also have experienced being a parent is how my children can push my buttons like no one else on earth. >> I have an 11-year old daughter. I contemplate hugs and murder within the same 5 minutes. It's like they're designed to make us crazy. sorry, off-topic. This stage is pretty stressful right now.
Originally Posted By DVC_dad Update: After a great deal of time, we have decided to postpone adoption for now. I am thinking that after we get a couple of the kids on up in age and off to college, maybe then we will come back and examine the possibility. We think given all the vast volume of factors to consider, for once, doing nothing is the best choice. Thank you all for your input, thoughts, information, and stories. Now having said that...Lisann, adopt that baby!!!
