Originally Posted By LindsayC or some dalmations, Tom! Actually she does sound like a right old Cruella, so that would be just what she wants.
Originally Posted By t1lersm0m <<In high school, I was the butt of a lot of kids' bullying. I was pretty miserable until senior year, in which I somehow gained a bit of self-confidence. Either that, or the elation that the whole thing would be over soon carried me through. Five years later, the reunion of our 65-person class was held in the middle of a muddy field. It was a blow-out kegger, very upbeat. But whenever I came into the proximity of any of the guys who had treated me like dirt in school, things got a little less festive. I soon discovered that the best opening line was some variation on, "So you didn't like me very much in high school." They'd stammer, I'd tell them that it upset me but that I was over it, I'd ask what they were doing now, they'd tell me, we'd get more beer, they'd apologize, I'd say it was okay, we'd yuk it up. By the end of the evening, there were no vestiges of the high school cliques. If I hadn't been direct about the tension we'd had, the evening would have consisted of me floating around the edges of groups I'd avoided. ----- A few years ago, my core group of friends at home planned a joint trip to Vegas. One of the friends, who we all knew to be a bit of a braggart and all kind of rolled our eyes at but still loved for who he is, announced that he was going to use his connections to get us cheap parking and -- ta da! -- upgrades on the flight. Whoa! Cool! Turns out that he discovered early on that he could deliver, but he didn't have the, uh, let's use "nerve" to tell us that until we were pulling into the airport. There was major disappointment among the other seven of us as we checked in. And lots of bitching about it behind his back during the trip. We still had a good time, but... People resented it. He didn't get it. It didn't ruin my trip. We had a GREAT time together, and I loved his company. Still, it was in the back of my mind. We took a red-eye home. As soon as we got in, I called and asked if I could come over. Then, with no sleep and without warning, I told him how inconsiderate he'd been and how diappointed he'd made everyone and how we all would have loved him just as much and appreciated the try if he'd just have told us as soon as he knew that it wouldn't work. It was an ugly and uncomfortable conversation to have. But it was absolutely the right thing to do. He learned from it. I shared what I had done with the other members of the group and it disappated tension. He and I have a closer, more honest relationship because of it. ----- I advise students. I have a steady stream of students in my office. My fear is that I'll have a repeat visitor who I won't recognize. When they come in, I try to respond to each of them individually, to share with them what I think will be helpful. But what I say mostly ends up feeling rote to me. Ever so often, a student will make an effort to come back and tell me that I made a difference for them. Something that I thought was a throw-away line stuck with them. Or they appreciated that I went a little bit out of my way, made a phone call on their behalf, maybe, and it made all the diffference for them. Wow. Nothing else in my job feels that good. They didn't have to make a point of telling me that. And if they didn't, I don't think I'd ever know what effect I had in my position. I can't honestly say that I've ever had a student come back and say, "You really messed me up." But if I had, I would want to hear it. It would make me defensive initially, and it would ultimately cause me pain. But I would definitely value that feedback. ----- Right now I am in the middle of an email conversation with a dear LP friend with whom I have a disagreement on a sensitive topic. We *could* just pretend that our difference doesn't exist. But it feels so much better to talk it out. We will probably end up agreeing to disagree. That's totally cool. Having this disagreement as something that's unspoken and festering would not be cool. ----- I'm not envisioning Jim's email to his former boss as a "You slimed me and now you must die" kind of thing. I see it as a statement of fact. "This is what you did. This is the effect it had on me. This is where I am now. I wanted you to know this." I don't agree with the "she's a (w)itch or she's not, and either way the letter won't make a difference" thinking. She's a person. She'll react to the feedback. If she's changed, she'll feel rewarded about changing. She may also feel guilty. It's on her to deal with that. If she hasn't changed, she'll either learn from the feedback or she'll have some defensive emotional response. I just don't see any reason not to provide the feedback. I don't think Jim has an obligation to do it. But I don't understand people's aversion to providing it.>> I think there is a big difference here. This woman is no longer a part of Jim's life. If I remember his post correctly, he read about her, and wanted to send a letter to show that he was successful even though she had cost him his dream job back then. Unless he had to work with her again, or they had the same circle of friends, or were somehow related, then he doesn't really need to bury the hatchet, unless he feels the need to. Based on the info he gave in the initial post, I still feel he should write the letter, and rip it up. But as I said, that's just an opinion. There really is no right or wrong answer. Jim should follow his heart and do what he feels is right. I have a feeling he was looking for us to all tell him to send the letter, since that seems to be the answer he was looking for. If he wants to send the letter, than he shouldn't let anyone in this thread sway him from doing that. Jim needs to do what is right for Jim, not for LP.
Originally Posted By TomSawyer Oh man, I haven't had a dalmatians post in years and I just blew right by that one. I'll be in Remedial LP all day if anyone needs me.
Originally Posted By chickendumpling Hey, while you're there would you explain what a thumb drive is to Trailsend? Love Ya trailsend ;> Mean It.
Originally Posted By trailsend >>>I'll be in Remedial LP all day if anyone needs me.<<<< Lock the doors! Well, that was one way to get you in there; however, it's going to take you more than one day. Whoa, I feel like Jack Bauer. ;>
Originally Posted By trailsend >>>>Hey, while you're there would you explain what a thumb drive is to Trailsend? Love Ya trailsend ;> Mean It.<<<< Chicky*D* ~ blah, blah, beat you to it! I already googled it!!!! but i still don't understand it =(
Originally Posted By Jim in Merced CA This is an interesting situation, I think. I'm really enjoying all the various comments and perspectives -- it's been very educational. Nice card Kar2oonMan! I'm glad to know that others have struggled with this type of situation too. Please understand: My expectation is NOT to have this person learn anything, respond to my letter, or change personally in any way. Should I send the letter, it would be for me. It's my way to close a gap that has been left opened. No, I didn't have an opportunity to tell this person what I thought of her. At the time, I was too damaged and hurt. Here's something too that I thought of last night. If I were sending a letter to this same person that was essentially 'You were one of the neatest and most inspiring people I've ever met, and just wanted to write and tell you' -- would you encourage me to do that? Probably yes. Which is interesting. In life, it seems to be things that are perceived as negative that we shy away from, or that we seem to feel that we need to just suck up and deal with. Weird little standard there, I thought. Thanks again, all for your feedback.
Originally Posted By t1lersm0m <<This is an interesting situation, I think. I'm really enjoying all the various comments and perspectives -- it's been very educational. Nice card Kar2oonMan! I'm glad to know that others have struggled with this type of situation too. Please understand: My expectation is NOT to have this person learn anything, respond to my letter, or change personally in any way. Should I send the letter, it would be for me. It's my way to close a gap that has been left opened. No, I didn't have an opportunity to tell this person what I thought of her. At the time, I was too damaged and hurt. Here's something too that I thought of last night. If I were sending a letter to this same person that was essentially 'You were one of the neatest and most inspiring people I've ever met, and just wanted to write and tell you' -- would you encourage me to do that? Probably yes. Which is interesting.>> Yes, my answer would be yes, but for reasons different than you might think. Jim, I sincerely think you have been leaning towards sending the letter since starting this thread. If you want to send the letter, than don't let anyone sway you away from doing that. As I've said, you need to do what is right for you. I think sending a positive letter to someone who has had a positive impact in your life, has a different expectation than sending a negative letter to someone who has had a negative impact in your life. If I wanted to send a letter to someone I looked up to and respected, I would hope that that person would write back and maybe we could become friends, or maybe just pen pals. I would be trying to bring their positive influence back into my life. If I were writing the letter to someone who had a negative impact, what could I hope to do? Change that person? Open their eyes to the way they are? Rub their nose in my success? Am I looking to be their friend, maybe hoping they will apologize to me, I will accept the apology and we can be lifelong friends? Me personally, I wouldn't send the letter. But I'm not Jim in Merced CA. I'm t1lersm0m.
Originally Posted By trailsend Ah ha! You nailed it, Jim. And I'm thinking this might be what Inspector is trying to convey to us. <<<If I were sending a letter to this same person that was essentially 'You were one of the neatest and most inspiring people I've ever met, and just wanted to write and tell you' -- would you encourage me to do that? Probably yes. Which is interesting. In life, it seems to be things that are perceived as negative that we shy away from, or that we seem to feel that we need to just suck up and deal with.>>> And for me, I would like to quit "sucking it up and dealing with it".
Originally Posted By t1lersm0m Sorry, I didn't read this part of your post: "Please understand: My expectation is NOT to have this person learn anything, respond to my letter, or change personally in any way." So, then send the letter.
Originally Posted By Ursula I wish I could be like Inspector. I can't speak up and I can't say what I feel. Half that time, I don't even know what I feel to be able to put it into words. How can he just deal with uncomfortable situations SO well? I doubt had I been in his shoes that I would have even gone to the reunion he described...
Originally Posted By LindsayC I think Jim raising the question of whether you would write a letter to praise someone who has made a promising impact is quite interesting, not that I have done that directly, but because someone came back into my life last year after a 13 year absence to do just that. Back in the year 1992 I was working towards the finals of my Bachelor of Arts degree in design and photography (fancy title: Communication Media) and we had 6 weeks left to do one major project. Now being of a generation where LP design (no not Laughing Place - the vinyl Long Player kind!) was key to me wanting to be a designer in the first place, I chose to do a full promotion for an album and ignore the fact that everyone only designed for CD’s at the time. So I chose an album which was (and still is) my favourite by a somewhat obscure Canadian female singer songwriter, whom I found after reading a gig review which classed her voice as Minnie Mouse on helium! (I wasn’t into Disney at the time!). I had met her a couple of times in the past after gigs and sent her illustrations of her songs (they are very filmic) and I had had correspondence with her. So I set to work on the design and she was releasing a ‘best of’ album at the time. Being obscure there weren’t many images of her for me to choose from for the cover design, so I chose one and advanced the design. Low and behold the ‘best of’ album was released, and the record company had chosen the same image. Mmm. That was a bit of a crisis as plagerism(sp?) was rife at my university and I didn’t want to be accused of it, and of course I needed to produce something original! So I had to think fast and start again. I did happen to know that she would be over in the UK to promote the album (and without the internet I have no idea how I knew!), so I phoned Warner her record company and asked to speak to her - naturally she wasn’t there - but they took the message and they actually passed it on because two days later she called me at my student digs. Yeah, well I was surprised and she asked what I wanted, so I told her the situation, and I asked if I could photograph her. She replied, well I’m being photographed by Vogue tomorrow, so would Thursday be okay? Eeek! I wasn’t intimidated at all! So I spent the day photographing her at her favourite places in London, and we chatted alot, and it was one of those diamond days in your life, that cloud nine really isn’t the highest point you could reach. When I had developed and printed the photographs I sent a pack of them to her just before she left the UK. We spoke on the phone the day she got them, briefly and we never spoke again. When I finished the project, with the photographs in place, the degree exhibition went up, and I decided to put up two large images of her from that day. When I got my final result which was the highest grade that is awarded (a First), the independent adjudicator took me aside and pointed to one of the photographs and said that’s why you got a First. So I had a lot to be thankful for. Over the coming years, I followed her career, still loving her work, but felt no real need to be in touch, as I’m very much ‘this was a story of then’ kinda guy, but she had been a real inspiration to me, and when ever I see those images I can smile and remember the day and the reward that it bought me. Yet there was still a slight curiosity in my mind, because she had never passed an opinion of the images to me. Until last year, 13 years later. And it was bizarrely enough through the work I have done on LP that she found me. And she wanted to say a proper thank you for the photographs which she had recently rediscovered, she wanted to say thank you for ‘seeing’ who she was at that moment in time, and also for the spirit and respect that I gave to her. To say I was surprised would be a huge understatement. A remarkable occurrence for my life. Sorry it was so long winded and probably doesn’t meet the nature of the thread, but it shows that people really can surprise you after a long time.
Originally Posted By TALL Disney Guy <This woman is not a part of Jim's life. She is a part of his past.> But she's a part of *other* people's lives now---that's the thing that irks me about her and wants me to have everyone aware of her past (or sadly, her nature). I just hate for other innocent, eager young folks to have to go through what Jim did---and some may not have the same "good ingredients" our Jim has to start a new successful business, etc.
Originally Posted By TALL Disney Guy Although yes, I realize he's not writing *to* these guys and gals who would be under her---the idea of more of her evil ways just burns me up though.
Originally Posted By tiggerdis_ I haven't read all the posts, so at the risk of repeating what someone else has said, here's my two bits (I guess that's only 20 cents American, ha ha) I would do it. I think too many people are carrying around ghosts and chains that, although in this case has made you a better person, it will affect your life, or at least keep coming back to haunt you. You need to get this off your chest, and cleanse yourself of this nasty person. I had an incident involving my best friend, where it finally came to a head. I didn't talk to her for over 15 years. We lost touch after the incident. Well, about 5 years ago, we got in touch and I called her on her behaviour, we straightened things out, and now we email each other once in a while. I feel better, not wondering, or stewing over the treatment I got from her. I'm rambling, I think, but you need to vent! Good luck!
