Originally Posted By FaMulan My apoligies to San Joaquin Valley Dwellers: YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN THE SAN JOAQUIN VALLEY WHEN...... The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. Hot water now comes out of both taps. You can make sun tea instantly. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron. The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly. You discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car. You get sunburned through your car window. You actually burn your hand opening the car door. You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death? You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs. The cows are giving evaporated milk. Ah, what a place to call home! I just love the San Joaquin Valley!!!
Originally Posted By friendofdd LOL I was born and raised in Bakersfield. Except for the seat belt buckle thing (we didn't have 'em yet) those things were as true then as now. Now you know why I've decided to retire in Orange.
Originally Posted By FaMulan I Can't Believe We Made It! According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 30's, 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's or even the early 80's, probably shouldn't have survived. Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids or locks on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking ... As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors! We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one soft drink with four friends , from one bottle, and no one actually died from this. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and play all day , as long as we were back when the street lights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable! We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms. We had friends! We went outside and found them. We played dodge ball, and sometimes, the ball would really hurt. We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember accidents? We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out any eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Some students weren't as smart as others, so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade. Horrors! Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. The idea of parents bailing us out if we got in trouble in school or broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the school or the law. Imagine that! This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors, ever. We had freedom, failure, success, and responsibility --- and we learned how to deal with it. And you're one of them! Congratulations.
Originally Posted By FaMulan How old is Grandma? Stay with this -- the answer is at the end -- it will blow you away. One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the Pill. There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn't yet walked on the moon. Your Grandfather and I got married first - and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir' - and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir." This was before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, Daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front door when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and we never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. Long hair meant classical music. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5&10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip " meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store, and "software" wasn't even a word. And we were the last generation to actually believe that a woman needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap..... and how old do you think I am ???...... I bet you have this old lady in mind... you are in for a shock! Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time. ******************************************************************* This Woman would be only 59 years old! Born in 1944.
Originally Posted By FaMulan I just can't get my mind around the fact that that would apply to my late Mother! She would have been 60 years old this year.
Originally Posted By FaMulan The Search Continues... Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of the American authorities. Among the brothers: Sooflay ............the restauranteur Guday...............the half-Australian brother Huray...............the sports fanatic Sashay..............the gay brother Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother Sayhay..............the baseball player Ojay................the stalker/murderer Gulay...............the singer/entertainer Ebay................the internet czar Biliray.............the country music star Ecksray.............the radiologist Puray...............the blender factory owner Regay...............the half-Jamaican brother Tupay...............the one with bad hair Among the sisters: Lattay..............the coffee shop owner Bufay...............the 300 pound sister Dushay..............the clean sister Phayray.............the zoo worker in the gorilla house Sapheway............the grocery store owner Ollay...............the half-mexican sister Finally, there is Oyvey, but the family doesn't like to talk about him.
Originally Posted By friendofdd 21 puns in one post. 'Mulan, you have come completely to the light side. Prepare to be totally ignored by LPers. Welcome, sister!
Originally Posted By friendofdd >>>Phayray.............the zoo worker in the gorilla house<<< LIMH Very subtle.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Well, I'm just the messenger, passing along the gems my husband sees fit to forward to me.
Originally Posted By friendofdd No need to be in denial. Being a punster, although shunned by society, has it's own rewards in knowing that you have brightened othe peoples day through your exquisite humor.
Originally Posted By FaMulan For those in the Ya-Ya sisterhood (or not): 1. If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it. 2. Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 3. They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die." 4. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely. 5. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. 6. The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does. 7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. 8. Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes! 9. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. 10. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Sorry it's been so long, my dear Topic. But my husband hasn't sent me any jokes or fun things fit for publication on LP.
