Originally Posted By FaMulan Inner Strength If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can get going without pep pills, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong, If you can take criticism and blame without resentment, If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him, If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend, If you can face the world without lies and deceit, If you can conquer tension without medical help, If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs, ...Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!
Originally Posted By FaMulan The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk: "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner, wide-eyed and excited shouts: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" The clerk calmly responds:"Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
Originally Posted By FaMulan An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. "Grandson, I wanna you lisina to me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead." "You lisina to me. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino. "Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? "Pointa to you watch and say, 'TIMES UP ???'"
Originally Posted By FaMulan TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, HE LIVED ALL ALONE, IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE. I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE, AND TO SEE JUST WHO IN THIS HOME DID LIVE. I LOOKED ALL ABOUT, A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE, NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS, NOT EVEN A TREE. NO STOCKING BY MANTLE, JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND, ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES OF FAR DISTANT LANDS. WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, AWARDS OF ALL KINDS, A SOBER THOUGHT CAME THROUGH MY MIND. FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT, IT WAS DARK AND DREARY, I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER, ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY. THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, SILENT, ALONE, CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME. THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE, THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER, NOT HOW I PICTURED A UNITED STATES SOLDIER. WAS THIS THE HERO OF WHOM I'D JUST READ? CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED? I REALIZED THE FAMILIES THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT, OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT. SOON ROUND THE WORLD, THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY, AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY. THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR, BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS, LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE. I COULDN'T HELP WONDER HOW MANY LAY ALONE, ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME. THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE, I DROPPED TO MY KNEES AND STARTED TO CRY. THE SOLDIER AWAKENED AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE, "SANTA DON'T CRY, THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE; I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, I DON'T ASK FOR MORE, MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS." THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP, I COULDN'T CONTROL IT, I CONTINUED TO WEEP. I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS, SO SILENT AND STILL AND WE BOTH SHIVERED FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL. I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT, THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR SO WILLING TO FIGHT. THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE, WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE." ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT. "MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."
Originally Posted By FaMulan Sorry Sara, But I felt it was important to post that. I truly appreciate the sacrifices our servicepeople make for our safety and way of life.
Originally Posted By FaMulan THANKSGIVING DIVORCE > > A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving > and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your > mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." > > > "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. > > > "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. > "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you > call your sister in Chicago and tell her." > > > Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way > they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this." > > She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at her father, "You are not > getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my > brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a > thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. > The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, > "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
Originally Posted By FaMulan Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental encounters: While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men, " Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?" Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose", isn't it? . . . And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
Originally Posted By FaMulan You said it friendofdd, beloved husband to Mrs. Friendofdd. Though, if you ask my husband what my favorite flower is, he'll give the correct answer: Roses.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Christmas Is Cancelled (edited for the LP audience) T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was peeved. He cussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works. I've busted my butt for damn near a year. Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear? The old lady whines cause I work late at night... The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight. Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS. And just when I thought that things would get better, Those jerks from IRS sent me a letter. They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny. Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money? And the kids these days - they all are the pits. They want the impossible ...Those mean little gits. I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds, Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads, I made a ton of yoyo's - No request for them... They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM. Flying through the air...dodging the trees, Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees. I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment. I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment. There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason... I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!
Originally Posted By FaMulan DINNER AT GRANDMA'S Little Logan and his family were having Thanksgiving dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away. "Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him. "I don't have to," the little boy replied. "Of course you do," his mother insisted. "We say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
Originally Posted By FaMulan The Parrot A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?" HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Originally Posted By FaMulan TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING, BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS, I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP. THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED - THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION WITH ALL OF MY MIGHT TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK BECAME INFATUATION. SO, I RACED TO THE KITCHEN, FLUNG OPEN THE DOOR AND GAZED AT THE FRIDGE, FULL OF GOODIES GALORE. I GOBBLED UP TURKEY AND BUTTERED POTATOES, PICKLES AND CARROTS, BEANS AND TOMATOES. I FELT MYSELF SWELLING SO PLUMP AND SO ROUND, 'TIL ALL OF A SUDDEN, I ROSE OFF THE GROUND. I CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING, FLOATING INTO THE SKY WITH A MOUTHFUL OF PUDDING AND A HANDFUL OF PIE. BUT, I MANAGED TO YELL AS I SOARED PAST THE TREES.... HAPPY EATING TO ALL - PASS THE CRANBERRIES, PLEASE. MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP. MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP, MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE, MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.
Originally Posted By FaMulan My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond
Originally Posted By FaMulan I'm not an overly religious person, but this one is important to keep in mind during all the hustle, bustle and over-commercialization of the season. I'd also like to add, that other than religious reasons, this is the time to remember those you love. My favorite moments are the nice, quiet times with family listening to the music and disconnecting from the marketing mayhem. "This morning I heard a story on the radio of a woman who was out Christmas shopping with her two children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable. And after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids. She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year. Overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, getting that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, making sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card. Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car. She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and all the bags of stuff. When the doors closed she couldn't take it anymore and stated, "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up and shot." From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet calm voice respond, "Don't worry we already crucified him." For the rest of the trip down, the elevator it was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. Don't forget this year to keep the One who started this whole Christmas thing in your every thought, deed, purchase, and word." If we all did it, just think of how different this whole world would be.
