Originally Posted By friendofdd Thanks for posting that 'Mulan. We need to keep things in perspective.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Four brothers had left home for college and became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Many years later as they chatted after having dinner together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built inside that house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes salesman deliver her an SL600." The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." ! The other brothers were impressed, and touched. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks." "Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same." "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
Originally Posted By FaMulan Subject: Hardware store Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf as she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $100!" "My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge. From the backroom Joe Bob yelled "Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?" To which Mary Louise replied "No, but I'll do anything for the teapot."
Originally Posted By FaMulan Magic... An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two, shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, " What is it father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother!"
Originally Posted By FaMulan Two elderly Wal-Mart greeters were sitting on a bench at the entry way when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby." "Really, Like a new-born baby?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet my pants."
Originally Posted By FaMulan For the beleagured husbands out there: 15 Things to do at Walmart while your wife is taking her sweet time: 1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking. 2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restroom. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in Housewares"... and see what happens. 5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" 9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. 11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible". 12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!" 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!" 15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "Hey! You're out of toilet paper in here!"
Originally Posted By Brown Monkey WOW!!! I should have bet more money if I knew this topic would live this long! I think I'm gonna cry! LoL! Fa, you are so great! What a supportive adoptive mother! Hehe! Keep em coming!
Originally Posted By FaMulan Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one survived the accident. Question: Who was the survivor ????????????? (Scroll down for the answer) Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling. So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. (Men keep scrolling) By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen
Originally Posted By FaMulan >THIS IS THE BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY. > > A Charlotte, NC lawyer purchased a box of very rare > and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire > among other things. Within a month having smoked his > entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet > having made even his first premium payment on the > policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance > company. > > In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost > "in a series of small fires." The insurance company > refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man > had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. > > The lawyer sued... and WON! (Stay with me.) > > In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the > insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The > judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a > policy from the company in which it had warranted that > the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it > would insure them against fire, without defining what > is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was > obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure > lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance > company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the > lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires." > > NOW FOR THE BEST PART... > > After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance > company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! > With his own insurance claim and testimony from the > previous case being used against him, the lawyer was > convicted of intentionally burning his insured > property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a > $24,000 fine. > > This is a true story and was the First place winner in > the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. > > ONLY IN AMERICA! NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK WE'RE NUTS.
Originally Posted By FaMulan A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says... "Make 'em all ugly again".
Originally Posted By FaMulan Points To Ponder: 1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 3. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that 1 out of 5 enjoys it? 4. There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters. 6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 9. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist? 10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Originally Posted By FaMulan > > > CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED > > > > > > Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? > > > > > > Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are > > > > > > Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas > > > > > > Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me > > > > > > Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and > > Stores > > > and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and Fire > > > Hydrants > > > and...... > > > > > > Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me > > > > > > Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire > > > > > > Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna > > > Pout Maybe I'll tell You Why > > > > > > Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle > > Bells, > > > Jingle Bells, > > > Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, > > > Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, > > Jingle > > > Bells, ...... > > > > > > AND an old favorite. . . The Christmas story for nonbelievers: > > > "Coincidence on 34th Street
Originally Posted By FaMulan ‘Twas the Night Before Solstice From Politically Correct Holiday Stories Twas the night before solstice and all through the co-op Not a creature was messing the calm status quo up. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, Dreaming of lentils and warm whole-grain breads. We’d welcomed the winter that day after school By dancing and drumming and burning the Yule, A more meaningful gesture to honor the planet Than buying more trinkets for Mom or Aunt Janet, Or choosing a tree just to murder and stump it As dress it all up like a seasonal strumpet. My life mate and I, having turned down the heat, Slipped under the covers for a well-deserved sleep, When from out on the lawn there came such a roar I fell from my futon and rolled to the floor. I crawled to the window and pulled back the latch, And muttered, “Aw, where is that Neighborhood Watch?†I saw there below through the murk of the night A sleight and eight reindeer of nonstandard height. At the reigns of that sleigh sat a mean-hearted knave Who treated each deer like his personal slave. I’d seen him before in some ads for car loans, Plus fast food and soft drinks and cellular phones. He must have cashed in from his mercantile chores, Since self-satisfaction just oozed from his pores. He called each by name, as if he were right To threat them like humans, entrenching his might: Now Donder, now Blitzen,†and other such aliases, Showing his true Eurocentrical biases. With a snap of his fingers, away they all flew, Like lumberjacks served up a plate of tofu. Up to the rooftop they carried the sleigh (The holes in the shingles are there to this day). Out bounced the man, who went straight to the flue. I knew in an instant just what I should do. After donning my slippers, downstairs did I dash To see this trespasser emerge from the ash. His clothes were all covered with soot, but of course, From our wood-fueled alternative energy source. Through the grime I distinguished the make of his duds- He was dressed all in fur, fairly dripping with blood. “We’re a cruelty-free house!†I proclaimed with such heat He was startled and tripped on the logs at his feet. He stood back up dazed, but with mirth in his eyes. It was then that I noticed his unhealthy size. He was almost as wide as when standing erect, A lover of fatty fried foods, I suspect. But that wasn’t all to make sane persuns choke: In his teeth sat a pipe that was belching out smoke! I could scarcely believe what invaded out house. This carcinogenic and overweight louse Was so red in the face from his energy spent, I expected a heart attack right there and then. Behind him he toted a red velvet bag Full to exploding with sinister swag. He asked, “Where is your tree?†with a face somewhat long I said, “Out in the yard, which is where it belongs.†“But where will I put all the presents I’ve brought?†I looked at him squarely and said, “Take the lot “To some frivolous people who think that they need To succumb to the sickness of commerce and greed, “Whose only joy comes from the act of consuming, Thus sending the stock of the retailers booming.†He blinked and said, “Ho, ho, ho! But you’re kidding.†I gave him a stare that was stern and forbidding. “Surely children need something with which to have fun? It’s like childhood’s over before it’s begun.†He looked in my eyes for some sign of assent, But I strengthened my will and refused to relent. “They have plenty of fun,†I cut to the gist, “And your mindless distractions have never been missed. “They take CPR so that they can save lives, And go door-to-door for the used clothing drives. “They recycle, renew, reuse-and reveal For saving the planet a laudable zeal. “When they padlock themselves to a fence to protest Against nuclear power, we think they’re the best.†He said, “But they’re children-lo, when do they play?†I countered, “Is that why you’ve driven your sleigh, “To bring joy to the hearts of each child and tot? All right, open your bag; let’s see what you’ve got.†He sheepishly did as I’d asked and behold! A Malibu Barbie in a skirt made of gold. “You think that my girls will like playing with this, An icon of sexist consumerist kitsch? “With its unnatural figure and airheaded grin, This trollop makes every girl yearn to be thin, “And take up fad diets and binging and purging Instead of respecting her own body’s urging “To welcome the shape that her body has found And rejoice to be lanky, short, skinny or round.†Deep in his satchel he searched for a toy, Saying, “This is a hit with most little boys.†And what did he put in my trembling hand But a gun from the BrainBlasters Power Command! “It’s a ‘hit’ to be sure,†I sneered in his face, “And a plague to infect the whole human race! “How ‘bout grenades or some working bazookas To turn all of our kids into half-wit palookas?†I seized on his bag just to see for myself The filth being spread by this odious elf. An Easy-Bake Oven-ah, goddess, what perfidy! To hoodwink young girls into household captivity! Plus and archery play set with shafts that fly out, The very thing needed to put your eye out. And toy metal tractors, steam shovels, and cranes For tearing down woodlands and scarring the plains, Plus “games†like Monopoly, Pay Day, Tycoon, As if lessons in greed can’t start up too soon. And even more weapons from BrainBlasters Co., Like cannons and nunchucks and ray guns that glow. That’s all I could find in his red velvet sack- Perverseness and mayhem to set us all back. (But I did find one book that caused me to ponder- Some fine bedtime tales by a fellow named Garner.) “We need none of this,†I announced in a huff, “No ‘business-as-usual’ holiday stuff. “We sow in our offspring more virtue than this. Your ‘toys’ offer some things they never will miss.†The big man’s expression was a trifle bereaved As he shouldered his pack and got ready to leave. “I pity the kids who grow up round here, Who’re never permitted to be of good cheer, “Who aren’t allowed leisure for leisure’s on sake, But must fret every minute-it makes my heart break!†“Enough histrionics! Don’t pity our kids If they don’t do as Macy’s or Toys ‘R’ Us bids. “They live by principles first and foremost And know what’s important,†to him I did boast. “Pray, could I meet them?†“Oh no, they’re not here. They’re up on the roof, liberating your deer!†Then Santa Claus sputtered and pointed his finger But, mad as he was, he had no time to linger. He flew up the chimney like smoke from a fire, And up on the roof I heard voices get higher. I ran outside the co-op to see him react To my children’s responsible, kindhearted act. He chased them away, and disheartened, dismayed, He rehitched his reindeer (who’d docilely stayed). I watched with delight as he scooted off then. He’d be too embarrassed to come back again. But with parting disdain, do you know what he said, When this overweight huckster took off in his sled? This reindeer enslaver, this exploiter of elves? “Happy Christmas to all, but get over yourselves!†-James Finn Garner
Originally Posted By FaMulan YEAR OF 1903 This ought to boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1903, one hundred years ago ... what a difference a century makes. Here are the US statistics for 1903.... The average life expectancy in the US was forty-seven (47). Only 14 Percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub. Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars. There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads. The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph. Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union. The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000. More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home. Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound. Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo. Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason. The five leading causes of death in the US were 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was 30. Canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented. There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day. One in ten US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school. Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic. There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US. Women didn't get the right to VOTE until 1920!!! Just think what it will be like in another 100 years from now. It boggles the mind.......... Happy New Year Everyone!
