Originally Posted By FaMulan A young gal with beautiful flowing brunette colored hair goes into the doctor's examination room and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" She candidly replies, "No, I'm really a blonde." "I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
Originally Posted By FaMulan you know you're living in 2004 when... 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. 4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner. 7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9" to get an outside line. 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news. 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job. 12. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards. 13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling. 14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends". 15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net. 16. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9 17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9 18. AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOUR STUPIDNESS..
Originally Posted By FaMulan TY Doug. I haven't gotten anything worth posting recently. :-( However, I can with all other Jewish LPer's a Good Pesach. It's time again to recount the Exodus of the Israelites from Egyptian bondage.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven The day finally arrived: Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Forest approaches the Gatekeeper. St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven. Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. sure hope the test isn't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's First name?" Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forrest says, "Well, the first one-which two days in the week begin with the letter "T?" Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow." The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, So I'll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?" "Twelve." Said Forrest. Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd..." "Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind...but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"? "Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy." Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song..."ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ." St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest, run".
Originally Posted By FaMulan A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. Because of the grief they have experienced, God decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise. They are all lined up and God asks the first one what his wish is. As they are all ugly, he says, "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line, a woman, hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make'em all ugly again". SO...The next time you are last in line...consider yourself blessed!
Originally Posted By FaMulan Memorial Stone A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name. After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?" The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,000. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist & all. That was $400 and I spent another $400 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone." The friend says, "$13,200 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?" The widow says, "Three carats."
Originally Posted By FaMulan A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do," she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that, too," she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
Originally Posted By FaMulan William, This topic will thrive with my tender loving care. It's just that my source of material has been lying flat on his back for the last several days so I've not been forwarded acceptable items for this topic.
Originally Posted By FaMulan No can do, Labuda. His Deltoid Muscle is spasming very badly. I hope he'll be able to go back to work tomorrow.
Originally Posted By FaMulan > The ultimate response to a Dear John letter > > You gotta love a man like this! > > A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a > letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept > with > two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, > > she wanted pictures of herself back. So the Marine did what any > squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected > all the > unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures > of women > (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note: "I > don't remember which one you are. Please keep your picture and send the > rest > back."
Originally Posted By FaMulan As I've Matured... I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in... I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just clueless. I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think. I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off. I've learned that growing old is not gracious. I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things. I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity. I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it. I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the blank are permanent.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Subject: What is love > > A group of professional people posted this question > to a group of 4 to 8 year olds. "What does love mean?" > the answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have > imagined. See what you think... > > When my grandma got arthritis, she couldn't bend over > and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandpa does it > for her now all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. > That's love. > Rebecca- age 8 > > When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You > just know that your name is safe in their mouths. > Billy- age 4 > > Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on > shaving Cologne and they go out and smell each other. > Kari- age 5 > > Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of > your French fries without making them give you any of theirs. > Chrissy- age 6 > > Love is what makes you smile when you're tired. > Terri- age 4 > > Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip > before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK. > Danny- age 7 > > Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of > kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and > daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss. > Emily- age 8 > > Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening > presents and listen. > Bobby- age 7 (wow!) > > If you want to learn to love better, you should > start with a friend who you hate. > Nikka- age 6 > > Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, > then he wears it everyday. > Noelle- age 7 > > Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who > are still friends even after they know each other so well. > Tommy- age 6 > > During my piano recital, I was on stage and I was scared. > I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and > smiling. He was the only one doing that. > Cindy- age 8 > > My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see > anyone else kissing me to sleep at night. > Clare- age 6 > > Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken. > Elaine- age 5 > > Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is > handsomer than Robert Redford. > Chris- age 7 > > Love is when your puppy licks your face even after > you left him alone all day. > Mary Ann- age 4 > > When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and > down and little stars come out of you. > Karen- age 7 > > Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and > doesn't think it's gross. > Mark- age 6 > > You really shouldn't say "I LOVE YOU" unless you mean it. > But if you meanit, you should say it a lot. People forget. > Jessica- age 8 > > And the winner was a 4 year old child whose next door neighbor was an > elderly man who had just lost his wife. When the child saw the man > cry, the little boy went over into the man's yard and climbed on top > of the man's lap and just sat there. When the boy's mother asked him > what he'd said to the neighbor, the little boy said "Nothing, I just > helped him cry." >
