Originally Posted By Labuda Ok, that was a wonderful post, Fa! I expecially liked the first one and the last one on the list. *snif* *snif*
Originally Posted By FaMulan A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith P. S: Mom, it's not true. I'm at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worst things in life than the report!card that's in my desk's drawer...I love you!
Originally Posted By FaMulan (Keep in mind, my Daddy was from Michigan) Foxworthy on Michigan If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Michigan If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pelston is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Michigan If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy",you might live in Michigan If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Michigan If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Michigan. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Michigan If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Michigan If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Lutefisk, you might live in Michigan If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Michigan If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Michigan If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in Michigan If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancing bear, and you sing gently, "From the land of sky-blue waters," you might live in Michigan YOU KNOW YOU ARE A TRUE Michigander WHEN: 1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. 2. "Vacation" means going up north past US75 for the weekend. 3.You measure distance in hours. 4. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once. 5. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again. 6. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. 7. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings). 8. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. 9. You think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and venison. 10. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them. 11. There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time. 12. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit. 13. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow. 14. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction. 15. You can identify a southern or eastern accent. 16. You consider Minneapolis exotic. 17. You know how to polka. 18. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce. 19. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age. 20. Down South to you means Indiana. 21. A brat is something you eat. 22. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed. 23. You go out to fish fry every Friday. 24. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost. 25. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car. 26. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly." 27. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Michigan friends.
Originally Posted By FaMulan > A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at > > the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees > > 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, > > staggers to the table, leans over, looks the > > biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says > > > > > > "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her > > in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine > > looking woman!" > > > > The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His > > buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker > > and would fight at the drop of a hat. > > > > The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got > > it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I > > ever had!" > > > > The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad > > but the biker still says nothing. > > > > The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, > > "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma > > liked it!" > > > > At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk > > by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and > > says, > > > > > > "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk. > > >
Originally Posted By FaMulan In honor of our fallen service personnel: This song is played many times daily and it is something EVERY AMERICAN should know. TAPS We in the United States have all heard the haunting song, "Taps." It's the song that gives us that lump in our throats and usually tears in our eyes. But, do you know the story behind the song? If not, I think you will be interested to find out about its humble beginnings. Reportedly, it all began in 1862 during the Civil War, when Union Army Captain Robert Ellicombe was with his men near Harrison's Landing in Virginia. The Confederate Army was on the other side of the narrow strip of land. During the night, Captain Ellicombe heard the moans of a soldier who lay severely wounded on the field. Not knowing if it was a Union or Confederate soldier, the Captain decided to risk his life and bring the stricken man back for medical attention. Crawling on his stomach through the gunfire, the Captain reached the stricken soldier and began pulling him toward his encampment. When the Captain finally reached his own lines, he discovered it was actually a Confederate soldier, but the soldier was dead. The Captain lit a lantern and suddenly caught his breath and went numb with shock. In the dim light, he saw the face of the soldier. It was his own son. The boy had been studying music in the South when the war broke out. Without telling his father, the boy enlisted in the Confederate Army. The following morning, heartbroken, the father asked permission of his superiors to give his son a full military burial, despite his enemy status. His request was only partially granted. The Captain had asked if he could have a group of Army band members play a funeral dirge for his son at the funeral. The request was turned down since the soldier was a Confederate. But, out of respect for the father, they did say they could give him only one musician. The Captain chose a bugler. He asked the bugler to play a series of musical notes he had found on a piece of paper in the pocket of the dead youth's uniform. This wish was granted. The haunting melody, we now know as "Taps" ... used at military funerals was born. The words are Day is done ... Gone the sun ... From the lakes ... From the hills ... From the sky All is well ... Safely rest ... God is nigh Fading light ... Dims the sight ... And a star ... Gems the sky Gleaming bright . From afar ... Drawing nigh ... Falls the night ... Thanks and praise ... For our days ... Neath the sun ... Neath the stars ... Neath the sky ... As we go ... This we know . God is nigh ...
Originally Posted By Labuda Wow. That gave me goosebumps, Fa. No clue how true it is, but what a lovely story nonetheless.
Originally Posted By Labuda Ok, yep - urban legend. <a href="http://www.snopes.com/music/songs/taps.htm" target="_blank">http://www.snopes.com/music/so ngs/taps.htm</a>
Originally Posted By FaMulan THE FIRST AFFAIR >A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their >passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made >passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild lovemaking, they fell >asleep, awakening around 8:00 p.m. >As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes >outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless >complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. >"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house? >"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, >and we've been making love all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up >until 8:00 p.m." >The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying jerk! You've >been playing golf!' > > > THE SECOND AFFAIR >There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage >daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always >wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure >enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. >The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one >look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went >to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that >child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her >a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" >The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!" > > > THE THIRD AFFAIR Deleted for inappropriate content. > > > THE FOURTH AFFAIR >A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a >beer. "Certainly Sir, that'll be 1 cent." >"ONE CENT?" exclaimed the man. >The barman replied "Yes." >So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy >T-bone steak, with fries, peas and a fried egg?" >"Certainly, Sir" replies the barman, "but that comes to real money." >"How much money?" Inquires the man. >"Four cents", he replied. >"FOUR CENTS?!!" exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" >The barman replies, "Upstairs, with my wife." >The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" >The bartender replies, "The same thing I'm doing to his business!" > > > THE FIFTH AFFAIR >Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his >side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying >roused him from his slumber. >He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky, my darling," >he whispered. >"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." >He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have something >that I must confess." >"There isn't anything to confess", replied the weeping Becky, "everything's >all right, go to sleep." >"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best >friend, her best friend, and your mother!" >"I know", whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Subject: MOM WITH THE FLU >A Mom with the flu . . . And this was for only 5 days! > >Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by her well meaning >husband. > >Pay attention to what he calls her each time he leaves a note! > >Monday A.M. >My Dearest: Please sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches >packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. > >Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: finger sandwiches and fruit cup. >Thermos of hot tea by bedside. >See you around 6:00. Hope you're feeling better. > >Tuesday A.M. >Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. I tried to catch >it. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about >the Coke I put in their Thermos bottles? Apparently not a good idea. The >school might call you on this. Dinner may be alittle late. I'm doing your >door to door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. >Hope you like leftover chili. > >Wednesday A.M. >Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder >in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a >likely place to find Chris's missing shoes? We've checked the clothes >hamper, garage, back seat ofthe car and wood box. Did you know the >school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There's some cold pizza for you on a >napkin in the frig. Am trying to find out what smells in the kitchen. >Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meat packing house. > >Thursday A.M >Doris: Don't panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9 >P..M. Will finish laundry tonight. > >Please pencil in answers to following: >1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal? I thought it was automatic . . >. Guess not. >2. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots? >3. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy's >hand? >4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you >open the door? >I don't know what you're having for lunch! Surprise me! > >Friday A.M. >Hey: Don't drink from pitcher by the sink! Am trying to restore pink >dress shirt to original white. >Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the >dinner on time. I called your mother
Originally Posted By FaMulan WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS SO HARD TO LEARN: 1. The bandage was wound around the wound. 2. The farm was used to produce produce. 3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. 4. We must polish the Polish furniture. 5. He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. 8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10. I did not object to the object. 11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid. 12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. 13. They were too close to the door to close it. 14. The buck does certain things when does are present. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger, neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. . . but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth Beth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends, but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all, but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why don't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite a play and play at a recital, ship by truck and send cargo by ship, have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. People, not computers, invented English. . . it reflects the creativity of the human race which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible. P. S. Why doesn't BUICK rhyme with QUICK?
Originally Posted By FaMulan Hi guys, here's the right recipe : Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!" A self-induced hangover - $100.00 Broken furniture - $200.00 Breakfast - $10.00 Saying the right thing - priceless ____________________________________________________
Originally Posted By FaMulan The following are different answers given by school-age children to the given questions: Why did God make mothers? 1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is. 2. Think about it, it was the best way to get more people. 3. Mostly to clean the house. 4. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring. 3. He made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom? 1. We're related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me. What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world, and one dab of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think. What kind of little girl was your mom? 1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff. 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. How did your mom meet your dad? 1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting. What did mom need to know about dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores? Why did your mom marry your dad? 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on. What makes a real woman? 1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy. Who's the boss at your house? 1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dads such a goofball. 2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad. What's the difference between moms and dads? 1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at work. 2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power cause that's who you gotta ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's. What does your mom do in her spare time? 1. Mothers don't do spare time. 2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What's the difference between moms and grandmas? 1. About 30 years. 2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them! Describe the world's greatest mom? 1. She would make broccoli taste like ice cream! 2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts! 3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself. Is anything about your mom perfect? 1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist. 2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them. 3. Just her children What would it take to make your mom perfect? 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye-it, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be? 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
Originally Posted By FaMulan >NEW WORDS FOR TODAY'S WORKPLACE VOCABULARY .. > >BLAMESTORMING: >Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a >project failed, and who was responsible. > >SEAGULL MANAGER: >A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and >then leaves. > >A**MOSIS: >The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement >by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. > >SALMON DAY: >The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get >screwed and die in the end. > >CUBE FARM: >An office filled with cubicles. > >PRAIRIE DOGGING: >When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and >people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. > >MOUSE POTATO: > The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. > >SITCOMs: >Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into >when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with >the kids. > >STRESS PUPPY: >A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney. > >SWIPEOUT: >An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the >magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. > >XEROX SUBSIDY: >Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. > >IRRITAINMENT: >Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying -- but you find >yourself unable to stop watching them. > >PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: >The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it >to work again. > >ADMINISPHERE: >The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank & file. >Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly >inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. > > >404: >Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not >Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. > >GENERICA: >Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter >where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. > >OHNOSECOND: >That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just >made a BIG mistake. > >WOOFYs: >Well Off Older Folks
