Originally Posted By FaMulan Rules of Life Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of Life really are. 1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind. 2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape. 3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right." 4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. 6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!" 7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them. 8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?" 9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee. 10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! 11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you. 12. Work is good, but it's not that important. 13. And finally; Be really nice to your friends and family. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Subject: Poor Estate Planning When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening, he goes to a singles bar, where he spots the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, her natural beauty takes his breath away. "I may look just like an ordinary man," he says, as he walks up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." The woman went home with Charles that evening, and the next day, she became his stepmother......
Originally Posted By FaMulan ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG, HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS. BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY." MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS. OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MENT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED. ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOW A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG, THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACK YARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN NEXT TO THE WINDOW TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY. "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON! TRUE STORY
Originally Posted By Labuda Actually, not true, but a great story nonetheless. <a href="http://www.snopes.com/quotes/mrgorsky.htm" target="_blank">http://www.snopes.com/quotes/m rgorsky.htm</a>
Originally Posted By Labuda Sorry, Fa! I'm glad to see that smiley, though, as I keep worrying I'm gonna piss you off with the Snopes links I post. :/
Originally Posted By FaMulan Nah, it takes quite a bit to upset me. I keep forgetting to run these things I get through snopes because they strike me as moving or interesting. I'm glad someone does.
Originally Posted By FaMulan MARRIAGE A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims. "Good," she replies. "Get your own blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.
Originally Posted By FaMulan The Mayonnaise Jar When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the coffee... A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large, empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - God, your family, children, health, your friends, your favourite passions - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else - the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple cups of coffee with a friend."
Originally Posted By friendofdd Love that one and would like to share a cup of coffee with you someday, 'Mulan.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Snappy Answer #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he Opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." Snappy Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, But couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied," No ma'am, they're dead." Snappy Answer #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. Snappy Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." Snappy Answer #5 - Deleted due to content. Snappy Answer #6 - One 6 Year Old. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said... 'Holy cow! A talking pig!'"
Originally Posted By FaMulan Hello my topic. Sorry I haven't had any jokes to share with you recently, but my source has dried up it would seem.
Originally Posted By Labuda Aw, rats, Fa! I love this thread! Here's hoping youg et another source or someone else does more posting in here soon!
Originally Posted By FaMulan My source came through for me this morning. PLEASE HELP A tragic fire on Monday destroyed the personal library of Senator John Kerry. Both of his books have been lost. A spokesman said the Senator was devastated as he had not yet finished coloring the second one. Send contributions to Senator Ted Kennedy c/o The Dew Drop Inn Tavern, Chappaquiddick, MA
Originally Posted By FaMulan Jim has three girlfriends, but he doesn't know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5,000.00 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells Jim, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5,000.00 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5,000.00 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "Jim, I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." Jim thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest chest.
Originally Posted By FaMulan >Bud and Jim are a couple of drinking buddies who work as airplane mechanics >in Atlanta. One day the airport is fogged in and they're stuck in the >hanger >with nothing to do. > >Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink." > >Jim says, "Me, too. Y'know, I heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. >You wanna try it?" > >So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get >completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how >good he feels. In fact, he feels great. No hangover. No bad side >effects. > >Nothing. > >Then the phone rings. It's Jim. > >Jim: Hey, how do you feel this morning? > >Bud: Great! > >Jim: I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover? > >Bud: No, that jet fuel is great stuff, no hangovers, nothing. We oughta do >this more often. > >Jim: Yeah, well, there's just one thing.... > >Bud: What's that? > >Jim: Have you farted yet? > >Bud: No. > > >Jim: Well, don't, 'cause I'm in Phoenix. >
