Originally Posted By FaMulan <a href="http://www.laughingplace.com/default.asp?WCI=MsgBoard&WCE=T-42993-P-31&Refresh=0718194244" target="_blank">http://www.laughingplace.com/d efault.asp?WCI=MsgBoard&WCE=T-42993-P-31&Refresh=0718194244</a> Welcome to the Boards, Alyssa. Please visit this support group. It's for people who spell Dalmatians creatively.
Originally Posted By Alyssa3467 bleh... I was barely awake... this board (and some others I post to =P) needs a speel cheker ;P
Originally Posted By FaMulan An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous." "I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home." "Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his private parts. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too." Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when get home." True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on immediately. "Also," said the Amish woman, "The poli ceman mentioned that there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
Originally Posted By FaMulan >You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one . . . >A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. >They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. > >The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." > >A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long,"he says, as they drive away. "Stupid witch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" > >The cab driver hit a parked car . . .
Originally Posted By FaMulan Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other and finally they got married and had a little sweet potato, which they called Yam. Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.' Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just...... He's just A COMMON TATER!!
Originally Posted By FaMulan If your dog could write a letter to God: Dear God, Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Dear God, When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story? Dear God, Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hardto rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'? Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he stilla bad dog? Dear God, We dogs can understand! human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbeeflight paths. What do humans understand? Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in? Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? Dear God, Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog: I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are! not food. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Momand Dad's laps. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's licens eand registration. I will not play tug-of-war! with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.' I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house. I will not throw up in the car. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over. The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Subject: From the Horse's Mouth A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man jumped up quickly striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded. There were two horses standing in the field alongside and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump, tap it with your flashlight, and try it again." Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared into life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Large whiskey, please!" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost!" "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?" The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes it was! Am I crazy?" "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher "because the black horse don't know diddle about cars!"
Originally Posted By FaMulan Male vs. Female NAMES If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw a $20,even thought it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. MONEY A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale. BATHROOMS A man has 5 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,a bar of soap and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. MARRIAGE (Too true to be considered humorous) A woman marries a man expecting he will change,but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed (or so they think) Women somehow deteriorate during the night. OFFSPRING -- Ah children A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret, fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY... Any married man should forget his mistakes.There's no use in two people remembering the same thing. AND FINALLY.... A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.As they passed a barnyard of mules, jackasses and pigs, the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws." The fight is now officially on again!!
Originally Posted By FaMulan The Science Exam If you need a laugh then read through these Children's Science Exam Answers. These are real answers given by children. Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U. Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section" A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome. Q: What does the word "benign" mean?' A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Originally Posted By FaMulan A young man learns what's most important in life from the guy next door. It had been some time since Jack had seen the old man. College, girls, career, and life itself got in the way. In fact, Jack moved clear across the country in pursuit of his dreams. There, in the rush of his busy life, Jack had little time to think about the past and often no time to spend with those important to him. He was working on his future, and nothing could stop him. Over the phone, his mother told him, "Mr.. Belser died last night. The funeral is Wednesday." Memories flashed through his mind like an old newsreel as he sat quietly remembering his childhood days. "Jack, did you hear me?" "Oh, sorry, Mom. Yes, I heard you. It's been so long since I thought of him. I'm sorry, but I honestly thought he died years ago," Jack said. "Well, he didn't forget you. Every time I saw him he'd ask how you were doing. He'd reminisce about the many days you spent over his side of the fence" as he put it," Mom told him. "I loved that old house he lived in," Jack said. You know, Jack, after your father died, Mr.Belser stepped in to make sure you had a man's influence in your life," she said. "He's the one who taught me carpentry," he said. "I wouldn't be in this business if it weren't for him. He spent a lot of time teaching me things he thought were important.. Mom, I'll be there for the funeral," Jack said. As busy as he was, he kept his word. Jack caught the next flight to his hometown. Mr. Belser's funeral was small and uneventful. He had no children of his own, and most of his relatives had passed away. The night before he had to return home, Jack and his Mom stopped by to see the old house next door one more time. Standing in the doorway, Jack paused for a moment. It was like crossing over into another dimension, a leap through space and time. The house was exactly as he remembered. Every step held memories. Every picture, every piece of furniture....Jack stopped suddenly. "What's wrong, Jack?" his Mom asked. "The box is gone," he said. "What box? " Mom asked. "There was a small gold box that he kept locked on top of his desk. I must have asked him a thousand times what was inside. All he'd ever tell me was 'the thing I value most,'" Jack said. It was gone. Everything about the house was exactly how Jack remembered it, except for the box. He figured someone from the Belser family had taken it. "Now I'll never know what was so valuable to him," Jack said. "I better get some sleep. I have an early flight home, Mom." It had been about two weeks since Mr. Belser died. Returning home from work one day Jack discovered a note in his mailbox. "Signature required on a package. No one at home. Please stop by the main post office within the next three days, " the note read. Early the next day Jack retrieved the package. The small box was old and looked like it had been mailed a hundred years ago. The handwriting was difficult to read, but the return address caught his attention. "Mr. Harold Belser" it read. Jack took the box out to his car and ripped open the package. There inside was the gold box and an envelope. Jack's hands shook as he read the note inside. "Upon my death, please forward this box and its contents to Jack Bennett. It's the thing I valued most in my life." A small key was taped to the letter. His heart racing, as tears filling his eyes, Jack carefully unlocked the box. There inside he found a beautiful gold pocket watch. Running his fingers slowly over the finely etched casing, he unlatched the cover. Inside he found these words engraved: "Jack, Thanks for your time! -Harold Belser." "The thing he valued most...was...my time." Jack held the watch for a few minutes, then called his office and cleared his appointments for the next two days. "Why?" Janet, his assistant asked. " I need some time to spend with my son," he said. "Oh, by the way, Janet...thanks for your time!" "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away," To everyone I sent this to "Thanks for your time". You are a valuable person in my life, and I think I am a better person for knowing you. Time has a way of getting away from all of us... TAKE THE TIME...NOW to let someone know.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Thank you Jeff Foxworthy: YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF: Your standard of living improves when you go camping. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog. You have a relative living in your garage. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting. You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode. None of the tires on your van are the same size. You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it. Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet. You've slow danced in the Waffle House. Starting your car involves popping the hood. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays. You whistle at women in church. You actually wear shoes your dog brought home. You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat.
Originally Posted By FaMulan If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy > > who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been > > stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things > > differently than we do -- to our amazement and amusement. > > Here are some more of his gems: > > > > > > I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. > > > > Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. > > > > Half the people you know are below average. > > > > 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. > > > > 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. > > > > A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. > > > > A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. > > > > If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. > > > > All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. > > > > The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. > > > > I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. > > > > OK, So what's the speed of dark? > > > > How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? > > > > If everything seems to be going well you have obviously overlooked > something. > > > > Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. > > > > When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. > > > > Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. > > > > Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. > > > > I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. > > > > If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? > > > > Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. > > > > What happens if you get scared half to death twice? > > > > Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? > > > > If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. > > > > A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. > > > > Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. > > > > The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the > bread. > > > > To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is > research. > > > > The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. > > > > The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. > > > > The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on > it. > > > > Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Now this is a new twist to an OLD subject Subject: Fwd: Fw: Cyberspace Birds and Bees The Birds and the Bees SON: Daddy, how was I born? DAD: Ah, very well, my son, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared. And that's the story.
Originally Posted By FaMulan GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight", the boy replied. The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?" The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one."
Originally Posted By friendofdd LOL! We had a gift exchange when I was in eighth grade. I drew the name of a girl from down the street. My Mom kindly picked out a suitable gift I could afford. Then she offered to wrap it for me. All was well until the girl removed the paper. Mom had put the gift in an empty Kotex box. Can't remember if the girl ever spoke to me again. The guys teased me. But, to be honest, I don't think any of us knew what Kotex was.
