Originally Posted By TiggerPooh1973 This is even funnier if you are old enough to remember seeing "Who's on first" by Abbott and Costello. Costello Wants to buy a Computer from Abbott. Enjoy!!! ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you? COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: No, the names Lou. ABBOTT: Your computer? COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one. ABBOTT: Mac? COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou. ABBOTT: What about Windows? COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here? ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows? COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows? ABBOTT: Wallpaper. COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software. ABBOTT: Software for windows? COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything? ABBOTT: I just did. COSTELLO: You just did what? ABBOTT: Recommend something. COSTELLO: You recommended something? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: For my office? ABBOTT: Yes. COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office? ABBOTT: Office. COSTELLO: Yes, for my office! ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows. COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need? ABBOTT: Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: Word in Office. COSTELLO: The only word in office is office. ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows? ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W." COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet? ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One. COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need! ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them? ABBOTT: Of course. COSTELLO: Great, with what? ABBOTT: Real One. COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do? ABBOTT: You click the blue "1." COSTELLO: I click the blue one what? ABBOTT: The blue "1." COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"? ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word. COSTELLO: What word? ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows. COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"! ABBOTT: No, just one. But its the most popular Word in the world. COSTELLO: It is? ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words. COSTELLO: And that word is real one? ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office. COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: I need money to track my money? ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer. COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer? ABBOTT: Money. COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer? ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge. COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much? ABBOTT: One copy. COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money? ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money. COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money? ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (LATER) COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?? ABBOTT: Click on "START"
Originally Posted By FaMulan >An American soldier serving in World War II had just returned from >several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had >finally been granted R & R and was on the train bound for London. The >train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the lenght of the train >looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly next >to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. >The war weary soldier asked "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?". >The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, >"You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can you see my >little Fifi is using that seat?". The soldier walked away, determined >to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of >train, found himself facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, >"Please lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired.". The English woman >wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, >you are also arrogant. Imagine!! ". The soldier didn't say anything >else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the >windown of the train and sat down on the empty seat. The woman shrieked >and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An >English gentlemen sitting across the aisle spoke up. "You know sir, you >Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat >holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong >side of the road, and now sir, you have thrown the wrong female dog out of >the window!"
Originally Posted By FaMulan HOME REMEDIES 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed. 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your arteries.. 5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the tooth ache. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
Originally Posted By FaMulan The Eye Test There are only two groups that you can tell jokes about without getting a battering. The Irish and the Polish can laugh at themselves. A Polish immigrant goes to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for a driver's license and takes an eye test. The examiner has him look into a scanner with the letters: C Z W I N O S T A C Z "Can you read this?" the examiner asks. "Read it?" the Polish fellow replies. "I know the guy."
Originally Posted By FaMulan Somebody has had time & a sense of humour ..... We have to laugh or we will cry..... Dear Ivan Hey, how's it going out there near Barbados? Listen, lots of us here in Southwest Florida have been talking about your scheduled visit. Now, please don't take this the wrong way. We like spectacular forces of nature as well as the next guy. We realize that Florida and hurricanes go together like country music and drunken driving. We don't want to mess with tradition. And we know you hurricanes recharge the aquifers, provide an exhilarating break in the stifling heat of late summer, and give neighbors a chance to bond. The economic boost you give to Home Depot alone is enough to make up for whatever inconvenience is to be expected. So normally you would be as welcome as a gang of Harley riders during Bike Week. But may I say that this year the timing of your tentatively scheduled arrival seems less than ideal. You know that visitors start to wear out their welcome after a few days. And too many visitors in a row can also wear down a host and hostess. That, I'm sorry to say, is pretty much the position we Floridians find ourselves in just now. Your cousin Charley blew through a few weeks ago and, to be blunt, he was less than mannerly. He zoomed in like a hyperactive toddler, leaving the proverbial path of destruction, except that it was no proverb. And then he was gone without so much as a see-ya-later. Charley was a leave-wet-towels-on-the-floor, never-pick-up-a-tab kind of guest. He inspired some grumbling, and picking up after him has been a real chore. You should have seen Punta Gorda, Port Charlotte, Arcadia and Wauchula. At least Charley didn't stay long. But just when we were starting to get things almost back to normal, Frances sauntered in. I don't mean to be crass, but she was HUGE. When she hung around the state, she hung around the state, you know what I mean? And you know how some guests just don't leave? That's Frances. Even when we were looking at our watches and yawning and singing "The Party's Over" she just stayed and stayed. Some of us who hadn't really rolled out the red carpet for Charley decided to prepare a lot more for Frances, and maybe we just tired ourselves out. And then she stalled and arrived late, which is always irritating. She wasn't as wild as Charley, I'll admit. Those rumors about Frances possibly becoming a Category 5 turned out to be overblown hype. But she just sort of oozed through. I went to bed Sunday night and woke up thinking she'd be long gone at last, but she was still here Monday morning! So a lot of us here are thinking that enough is enough for one year. Actually, the experience of almost back-to-back hurricanes has some people talking about canceling hurricane season entirely. Don't worry. Floridians won't go that far. But we may consider moving hurricane season to a nicer time of year. I know hurricanes like it hot, but doing without air conditioning would be a lot nicer in November, or maybe March, so as not to interfere with football season. I mean, did you see where Frances actually caused the postponement of a Gator football game? People will put up with a lot, but let's be reasonable here. Some are saying we should limit the number of hurricanes allowed into Florida in one year. There might be some debate about whether the limit should be one or two, but there is wide agreement that three is too many. So, Ivan, here's the point: Florida's famous hospitality is pretty much tapped out just now. Our enthusiasm for big winds and rains, and for TV reporters gushing forth with excited descriptions of it all, has bogged down like a riding lawnmower in the swamp that used to be my back yard. As I said, it is nothing personal, Ivan, but what would you say to making alternate travel plans? I understand that Mexico is lovely this time of year.
Originally Posted By FaMulan THIS SHOULD END ALL "3 BEARS" STORIES! Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars. Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Christ's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, because I'm only going to say this one more time: "I HAVEN'T MADE THE DAMN PORRIDGE YET!!"
Originally Posted By FaMulan Why Computers Sometimes Crash! By Dr. Seuss. If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall. And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang. When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM, and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom! Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?
Originally Posted By FaMulan Swimming Hole An old farmer in Texas had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned! "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.
Originally Posted By FaMulan In honor of the season, I will regale you my dear topic with some fractured Halloween funnies. Feel free to insert a mental rim-shot where needed. What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween? Ghould-Aid!!!!!
Originally Posted By FaMulan Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? He didnt' have a haunting license.
Originally Posted By FaMulan What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire? A toasty ghostie!
Originally Posted By TiggerPooh1973 Oh, oh I got one!!!! What do ghosts like to eat for breakfast? BOOberry muffins! ;-)
Originally Posted By FaMulan Which building does Dracula visit in New York? The Vampire State Building.
Originally Posted By FaMulan How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? All the jelly's been sucked out of the jelly donuts!
