Originally Posted By FaMulan Happy Halloween everyone!! What did the boy ghost say to the girl ghost? You are the most booooo-tiful thing I've ever seen!
Originally Posted By FaMulan More topical humor: This is SCARY !!!! They can Vote While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the east (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." But she's going to vote. **************************************************************************** I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I got a call from an In-duh-vidual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said,"Uh? Pacific." But he's going to vote. **************************************************************************** My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when we overheard one of the admin assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving." But she's going to vote. **************************************************************************** I was in a high school advanced physics class and the teacher was talking about a new military weapon that uses sonic waves on the battlefield to burst enemy soldiers' chests. One In-duh-vidual in the class spoke up and said, "Well that's stupid! Why don't they just wear headphones?" And a few years later, he's going to vote. **************************************************************************** My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. Shekeeps it in the passenger side door's map pocket. But she's going to vote. **************************************************************************** My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount. But she's going to vote. *********************************************************************** I was hanging out with a conservative friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. But she's going to vote. **************************************************************************** My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which one of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?" To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think they tax the turkey." But he's going to vote. ******************************************************* I was at a convenience store buying a 99-cent "Behemoth Gulp" or some such thing. The cost with tax was $1.02. I only had a $5 bill. The clerk asked if I had two pennies. I said I didn't. She said, "We'll take a couple from here," and got two pennies out of her penny cup at the register. She handed me back my change: $4 in bills?and the two pennies. But she's going to vote. ********************************************************************* I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?" But she's going to vote.
Originally Posted By friendofdd Thanks, 'Mulan, for all those halloween jokes I could share with my grandchildren. And I'm really glad you won't post more of those for another year. Now I am going to throw darts at my sample ballot to determine who and what to vote for.
Originally Posted By FaMulan > Subject: This was written by an 83 year old...The last line says it al l > > > Dear Bertha, > > I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and > admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm > spending more time with my family and friends and less time working. > Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to > endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them. > > I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for > every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or > the first Amaryllis blossom. > > I wear my good blazer to the market My theory is if I look > prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries.. > > I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it > for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank. > > "Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my > vocabulary; if it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and > hear > and do it now. > > I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't > be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. > > I think they would have called family members and a few close > friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend > fences for past squabbles. > > I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or > for > whatever their favorite food was. > > I'm guessing; I'll never know. > > It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I > knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters > that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't > tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm > trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add > laughter and luster to our lives. > > And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is > special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God. > > If you received this, it is because someone cares for you. > > If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it takes right now > to forward this, would it be the first time you didn't do the little thing > that would make a difference in your relationships? I can tell you it > certainly won't be the last. > > Take a few minutes to send this to a few people you care about, > just > to let them know that you're thinking of them. > > "People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends > don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be > there." > > I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them. > > Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we > might as well dance >
Originally Posted By FaMulan I know you are busy but.... A Favor to Ask It only takes a minute.... *Y*¶*Y Please tell ten friends to tell ten today! The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman. It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising. Here's the web site! Pass it along to people you know. <a href="http://www.thebreastcancersite.com/" target="_blank">http://www.thebreastcancersite .com/</a> AGAIN, PLEASE TELL 10 FRIENDS TO TELL 10 TODAY Thank you very much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The site is continuing this. They want to get enough clicks to provide 1000 mammograms to underpriveledged women.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Why parents go grey. The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper "Hello." "Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, t he boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whisperin g, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "ME"
Originally Posted By FaMulan >Pregnancy, Oestrogen, and Women > > > >PREGNANCY Q & A & more! > > > >Q: Should I have a baby after 35? > > > >A: No, 35 children is enough. > > > >Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? > > > >A: With any luck, right after he finishes university. > > > >Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? > > > >A: Childbirth. > > > >Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's > > > >borderline irrational. > > > >A: So what's your question? > > > >Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, > > > >but pressure. Is she right? > > > >A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. > > > >Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? > > > >A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. > > > >Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife > > > >is in labour? > > > >A: Not unless the word "divorce" means anything to you. > > > >Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? > > > >A: Yes, pregnancy. > > > >Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? > > > >A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly. > > > >Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act > > > >normal again? > > > >A: When the kids are in university. > > > >"OESTROGEN ISSUES" > > > >10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "OESTROGEN ISSUES" > > > >1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. > > > >2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette > > > >3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. > > > >4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. > > > >5. You're using your mobile phone to dial up every bumper sticker that > > > >says: "How's my driving? -call 0800-" > > > >6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. > > > >7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space." > > > >8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus. > > > >9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. > > > >10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. > > > >TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND > > > >10. Cats' facial expressions. > > > >9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours. > > > >8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. > > > >7. Fat clothes. > > > >6. Taking a car journey without trying to beat your best time. > > > >5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. > > > >4. Cutting your hair to make it grow. > > > >3. Eyelash curlers. > > > >2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. > > > >AND, the Number One thing only women understand: > > > >1. OTHER WOMEN > >
Originally Posted By FaMulan Sharing pecans... On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on is bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the Cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One For you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He knew just what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. Come here quick," said the boy. "You won't elieve what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery Dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Dear Staff: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. SURGERY: As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice day. Management
Originally Posted By FaMulan You may not know this...but many non-living things have a gender. For example: 1) Ziploc Bags -- They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them. 2) Copiers -- They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed. 3) Tire -- Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated. 4) Hot Air Balloon -- Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part. 5) Sponges -- Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water. 6) Web Page -- Female, because it's always getting hit on. 7) Subway -- Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up. 8) Hourglass -- Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom. 9) Hammer -- Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. 10) Remote Control -- Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying
Originally Posted By FaMulan (I have no idea if all of these are true or not, but the information is interesting.) Despite their reputation, there have been no deaths attributed to tarantula bites recorded in history. There is no species of fish called the sardine. Usually small herring or pilchard are processed as sardines. Americans use the word "macaroni" to mean a specific kind of pasta, but in Italy, maccherone (or "mixture of elements") refers to all types of pasta. Klondike isn't in Alaska, it's in the Yukon Territory-in Canada. "Nice" didn't always mean what it means today. Originally, it came from the Latin nescius (ignorant), and grew to mean "foolish" in the 14th and 15th centuries. The American robin isn't a robin, it's a thrush. Cleopatra was not an Egyptian queen. Actually, there were seven women who reigned under that name-the seventh is the one we are most familiar with. None of the women were Egyptians, they were Macedonians. Mississippi Bay is nowhere near Mississippi. It's outside of Yokohama, Japan. Yams and sweet potatoes are actually unrelated vegetables. The Caspian Sea and the Dead Sea aren't seas. They're lakes. Many are surprised to discover Alaska is the most eastern U.S. state. Alaska is the most northern, western and eastern state. Black-eyed peas aren't peas. They're beans. People in the time of Columbus did not believe the world was flat. Not since the days of Greece had anyone thought that. Rabbits are more closely related to horses than they are to rodents or mice. George Washington didn't have a middle name. People weren't always said to "smoke tobacco." That phrase didn't become popular until the 1750s. Before that, the expression for smoking was to "drink tobacco." The Romans did not use chariots in ancient wars. They used them for sport and transportation, not in war. There is no one place known as the Kremlin. Moscow has one, but so do lots of Russian cities. In Russian, Kremlin means a citadel or fortress. Also, Moscow's Kremlin is not a specific building, but a complex within a large walled space. Contrary to what might seem logical, Carson City, Nevada is actually west of Los Angeles, California (by about 100 miles or so). It's a widely held misconception that the match was invented before the cigarette lighter. Actually, it was the other way around. Here's one that contradicts what you might suspect: Horses don't breathe through their mouths. Mount Everest isn't really the tallest mountain in the world. If you start from the ocean floor, Mauna Kea in Hawaii is the tallest at 33,476 feet. (Everest is, however, the tallest above sea level at 29,028 feet.) The truth is Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps. Contrary to what you see in movies, if you raise your legs slowly and lay on your back, you can't sink in quicksand. Another misconception we get from the movies--the average meteoroid isn't some massive object rocketing through space. Actually, the average meteoroid is no larger than a grain of sand. Most people would swear it's not true, but the average lightning bolt is only an inch in diameter. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton. Amazingly, hummingbirds can't walk. For the most part, bears don't hibernate in caves. They prefer hollow stumps or logs. You'd think it would have happened by now, but in actuality there has never been a President who was an only child. The original Groundhog's Day didn't involve a groundhog. The tradition comes from a German legend, and the animal was a porcupine. Diamonds have always been more valuable than pearls, right? Actually, that's only been true for about a century.
Originally Posted By FaMulan I little humor to start your day! ! ! Hope you have a wonderful day! A country boy and his father who came from a small town in North Dakota were visiting a mall on their first trip to the city of Minot. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is that?" he father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life -- I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as the small circles of light with numbers on the wall lit up. They continued to watch and the circles of light started moving in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out. The father kneeled and whispered to his son, "Go get your mother."
Originally Posted By FaMulan 7 reasons not to mess with a child A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out,"And there's the teacher, She's dead. " A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."; "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty.." The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want God is watching the apples. It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too!
Originally Posted By FaMulan > >Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each > >other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, > >"What are you in here for?" > > > >The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a > >little nervous." > > > >The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that > >done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up > >they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." > > > >The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" > > > >The first kid says, "A circumcision." > > > >The second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I > >was born...Couldn't walk for a year." >
Originally Posted By FaMulan Ten Best Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk 10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." 8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!" 7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." 6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." 5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?" 4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 3. "The coffee machine is broken..." 2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk... 1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
