Originally Posted By FaMulan Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station rest-room because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000, Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood -- all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 45 minutes. No wonder men are happier!
Originally Posted By FaMulan For those who don't think cops have a sense of humor: "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile." "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired." "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun." "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?" "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh .... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?" "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?" "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey poop." "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven." "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC." "Just how big were those two beers?" "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want." "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail." "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Originally Posted By FaMulan I know the election is over but: IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU ARE REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT! KEEP IT GOING!!!! 2004 Election Issue!! GET A BILL STARTED TO PLACE ALL POLITICIANS ON SOC. SEC. This must be an issue in "2004". Please! Keep it going. ---------------------------------- SOCIAL SECURITY: (This is worth reading. It is short and to the point.) Perhaps we are asking the wrong questions during election years. ! Our Senators and Congresswomen do not pay into Social Security and, of course, they do not collect from it. You see, Social Security benefits were not suitable forpersons of their rare elevation in society.They felt they should have a special plan for themselves. So, many years ago they voted in their own benefit plan. In more recent years, no congressperson has felt the need to change it. After all, it is a great plan. For all practical purposes their plan works like this: When they retire, they continue to draw the same pay until they die. Except it may increase from time to time for cost of living adjustments.. For example, former Senator Byrd and Congressman White and their wives may expect to draw $7,800,000.00 (that's Seven Million, Eight-Hundred Thousand Dollars), with their wives drawing $275,000.00 during the last years of their lives. This is calculated on an average life span for each of those two Dignitaries. Younger Dignitaries who retire at an early age, will receive much more during the rest of their lives. Their cost for this excellent plan is $0.00. NADA....ZILCH.... This little perk they voted for themselves is free to them. You and I pick up the tab for this plan. The funds for this fine retirement plan come directly from the General Funds; "OUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK"! From our own Social Security Plan, which you and I pay (or have paid) into, -every payday until we retire (which amount is matched by our employer)-we can expect to get an average of $1,000 per month after retirement. Or, in other words, we would have to collect our average of $1,000 monthly benefits for 68 years and one (1) month to equal Senator Bill Bradley's benefits! Social Security could be very good if only one small change were made. That change would be to: Jerk the Golden Fleece Retirement Plan from under the Senators and Congressmen. Put them into the Social Security plan with the rest of us . then sit back..... and watch how fast they would fix it. If enough people receive this, maybe a seed of awareness will be planted and maybe good changes will evolve. How many people can YOU send this to? Better yet..... How many people WILL you send this to??
Originally Posted By FaMulan Four old ladies were sitting around playing bridge. The first old lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time, and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac, but, don't worry I have never stolen from you, and I never will. We've been friends for too long." The second old lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But, don't worry I've not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will. We've been friends for too long." "Well," says the third old lady, "I too must confess, I am a lesbian. But, do not worry I'll not hit on you, your not my type. We have been friends for too long for me to ruin our friendship." The fourth old lady stands up, "I too have a confession to make. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"
Originally Posted By FaMulan THE SMALL TREE I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands. When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His tanned face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier. "Oh, that's my trouble tree," he replied. "I know I can't help having troubles on the job, but one thing's for sure, those troubles don't belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again." "Funny thing is," he smiled," when I come out in the morning to pick 'em up, there aren't nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before."
Originally Posted By FaMulan 1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer? 2. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white? 3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? 4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? 5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot? 6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? 7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try? 8. How do those dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures? 9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear? 10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?" 11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? 12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed? 13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? 14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes? 15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? 16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they're okay then it's you. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally Posted By FaMulan The Mommy Test I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. "Why?" Because it's been laying outside and it is dirty and probably has germs." At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...all moms knows this stuff. Um, it's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get it!" she beamed. "So if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy." (When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom who needs to hear it!)
Originally Posted By FaMulan The Ohio State business graduate had been out of school for several years. He had established a furniture store in Cincinnati and was doing quite well. He decided to expand the lines he carried by adding some expensive French furniture he knew no one else in town carried. He scheduled a buying trip to France. The Buckeye's first day in Paris was very successful and he found a number of pieces he thought he could profitably sell back home. After the arrangements were made to begin shipping this furniture to Ohio, he decided to celebrate with a glass of wine in a small sidewalk cafe. The place was jammed, but he managed to find an empty table. Just about the time his wine arrived, a beautiful girl came by and motioned to the empty chair at his table with a questioning look on her face. He assumed she wanted to sit with him and nodded his head "yes." The girl sat down with him. The girl tried to talk to him, but, alas, he understood not one word of French. He tried to talk to her, but, alas, she understood not one word of English. He had an idea. He took a napkin and drew a wine glass and a question mark. She nodded her head "yes." They sat quietly enjoying their wine. When it was just about finished, the Buckeye realized it was nearly time for dinner. He took another napkin and drew a picture of two people at a table eating dinner. She nodded her head "yes" and took him by the hand. She led him down the street to a very nice restaurant. They went in. The girl spoke with the head waiter and they were seated in a quiet corner where they could hear the band playing and see the dance floor. The Buckeye could not read the menu since it was in French, so he allowed the girl to order for him. The food was excellent and the couple thoroughly enjoyed it. After dinner, the Buckeye took a napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded her head "yes" and they danced to every song the band played, whether fast or slow. When the band quit playing and began to pack away their instruments, the couple returned to their table. The girl took a napkin and reached for the Buckeye's pen. He handed it to her and she drew a picture of a four poster bed. The Buckeye is still wondering to this day how she knew he was in the furniture business
Originally Posted By Labuda hehehe I'm gonna have to change that from Ohio State to Texas A&M and send it out, I think... LOL
Originally Posted By FaMulan This is funny! And almost feasible. And no Property Taxes, either. The Best Retirement home RETIREMENT WITH A GRIN...Let's Plan A Retirement Get-Together!!!! Recently I was checking my 401k account and thinking about retirement, as everyone does when they hit that age. I saw an article about nursing andretirement homes and the expenses. Then it hit me. No nursing home for me! Here is my plan: I'm checking into the Holiday Inn. With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188 per day, there is a better way when we get old and feeble. I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn. For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it's $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for breakfast, lunch, dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service. It also will leave enough for laundry, gratuities, and special TV movies. Plus, I'll get a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, and washer and dryer. I'll also get free toothpaste, razors, shampoo and soap. And I'll be treated like a customer, not a patient. Five dollars worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling. There is a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The handicap bus will also pick me up if I fake a decent limp. Ride the church bus free on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Meanwhile, the cash keeps building up. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. On the other hand, Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And you are not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want tosee Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there, too. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to visit you, and probably check in for a mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool. What more can you ask for? When I discussed my plan with friends, they came up with even more benefits that Holiday Inn provides retirees. Most standardrooms have coffee makers,reclining chairs, and satellite TV -- all you need to enjoy a cozy afternoon. After a movie and a good nap, you can check on your children (free local phone calls), then take a stroll to the lounge or restaurant where you meet new and exotic people every day. Many Holiday Inns even feature live entertainment on the weekends. Often they have special offers, too, like the Kids Eat Free program. You can invite your grandkids over after school to have a free dinner with you. Just tell them not to bring more than three friends. Pick a Holiday Inn where they allow pets, and your best friend can keep you company as well. If you want to travel, but are a bit skittish about unfamiliar surroundings, you'll always feel at home because wherever you go, the rooms all look the same. And if you're getting a little absent-minded in your old days, you never have to worry about not finding your room -- your electronic key fits only one door and the helpful bellman or desk clerk is on duty 24/7. Being natural skeptics, we called a Holiday Inn to check out the feasibility of my plan. I'm happy to report that they were positively giddy at the idea of us checking in for a year or more. They even offered to negotiate the rate. We could have easily knocked them down to $40 a night! "So, when I reach the golden age I'll face it with a grin. Just forward all your emails to the Holiday Inn ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----
Originally Posted By FaMulan Dunno if I'll be online at all tomorrow, so Happy Thanksgiving my little topic and all my LP friends! >The Parrot > > >A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had >a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the >bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried >and >tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite >words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean >up" >the bird's vocabulary. > > > >Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled >back. > >John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. > >John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in >the >freezer. > >For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. > > > >Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a >minute. > >Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the >freezer. > >The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, > >"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. > >I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully >intend to do > >everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." > > > >John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about >to >ask the > >parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird >continued, > >"May I ask what the turkey did?" > > > >HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Originally Posted By FaMulan Subject: Typoglycemia Don't delete this because it looks weird. Believe it or not you can read it. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Subject: The Mayonnaise Jar and Coffee THE MAYONNAISE JAR AND COFFEE When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar...and the coffee... A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes." The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things, your God, family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions, things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else-the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to Show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
Originally Posted By FaMulan TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, HE LIVED ALL ALONE IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE. I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE, AND TO SEE JUST WHO IN THIS HOME DID LIVE. I LOOKED ALL ABOUT, A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE, NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS, NOT EVEN A TREE. NO STOCKING, NO MANTLE, JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND, ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES OF FAR DISTANT LAND. WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, AWARDS OF ALL KIND, A SOBER THOUGHT CAME THROUGH MY MIND. FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT, IT WAS DARK AND DREARY, I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER, ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY. THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, SILENT, ALONE, CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR, IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME. THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE, THE ROOM IN SUCH DISORDER, NOT HOW I PICTURED, A UNITED STATES SOLDIER. WAS THIS THE HERO, OF WHOM I'D JUST READ? CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED? I REALIZED THE FAMILIES, THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT, OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS, WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT. SOON ROUND THE WORLD, THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY, AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY. THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM, EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR, BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS, LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE. I COULDN'T HELP WONDER, HOW MANY LAY ALONE, ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE, IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME. THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT A TEAR TO MY EYE, I DROPPED TO MY KNEES AND STARTED TO CRY. THE SOLDIER AWAKENED, AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE, "SANTA DON'T CRY, THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE; I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM, I DON'T ASK FOR MORE, MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS." THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP, I COULDN'T CONTROL IT, I CONTINUED TO WEEP. I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS, SO SILENT AND STILL, AND WE BOTH SHIVERED FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL. I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT, THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOR SO WILLING TO FIGHT. THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE, WHISPERED, "CARRY ON SANTA, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE." ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT. "MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT." This Poem was written by a Marine. The following is his request. I think it is reasonable..... PLEASE. Would you do me the kind favor of sending this to as many people as you can? Christmas will be coming soon and some credit is due to our U.S. servicemen and women for our being able to celebrate these festivities. Let's try in this small way to pay a tiny bit of what we owe. Make people stop and think of our heroes, living and dead, who sacrificed themselves for us. Please, do your small part to plant this small seed.
Originally Posted By FaMulan If this doesn't crack you up I will pray for you! This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in there marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.
Originally Posted By FaMulan > A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit > jump out across the middle of the road. > > He swerves to avoid hitting it, > but unfortunately the rabbit > jumps right in front of the car. > > The driver, a sensitive man > as well as an animal lover, > pulls over and gets out to see > what has become of the rabbit. > Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. > > The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. > > A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway > sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. > She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong. > > "I feel terrible," he explains, > "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." > > The blonde says, "Don't worry." > > She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. > She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, > bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. > > The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them > and hops off down the road. > > Ten feet away the rabbit stops, > turns around and waves again, > he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another > ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again > and again and again, > until he hops out of sight. > > The man is astonished. > > He runs over to the woman and demands, > "What is in that can? > What did you spray on that rabbit?" > > The woman turns the can around > so that the man can read the label. > > It says... > > (Are you ready for this?) > > (Are you sure?) > > (This is bad!) > > (It's not even a Blonde Joke!) > > (You know you could just click off > and not read the punch line....) > > (You can still delete it) > > (You know you're gonna be sorry) > > (Last chance) > > (OK, here it is) > > It says, > > "Hair Spray - > Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."
