Originally Posted By FaMulan WATCH OUT WHAT YOU WISH FOR !!! A married couple in their early 60's were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! Two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands. Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife who is 30 years younger than me". The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish... So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - abracadabra! - The husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story..... Men might be ungrateful idiots.... But fairies are......female.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Always respect your elders... A college student at a recent USC football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said, loud enough for the whole crowd to hear. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ... and uh.." Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little twit! What are you doing for the next generation??" I love senior citizens!
Originally Posted By FaMulan COWS, CONSTITUTION AND TEN COMMANDMENTS COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow. CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore. TEN COMMANDMENTS The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!
Originally Posted By FaMulan Top 10 things to do to telemarketers! 10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." 9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the h-l she could know you from. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends ....would you be my friend?" 6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips. 4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Say good bye - and Hang up. 2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" 1. And first and foremost: Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.
Originally Posted By FaMulan > The Middle Wife > By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher > > I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have > two > kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own > second-grade classroom a few years back. > When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have > a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and > usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model > airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever > place any boundaries or limitations on them. > If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, > they're welcome. Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, > very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class > with a > pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. > "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his > birthday. > First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, > and > then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate > for > nine months through an umbrella cord." > She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and > I'm > trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are > watching her in amazement. "Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts > saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and > groans. She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh! > Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding > her > back and groaning. "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, > but > she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man." > "They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then > Erica > lies down with her back against the wall. "And then, pop! My Mom had this > bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew > up > and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs > spread > and with her little > hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much! > "Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and > breathe, breathe.'" > "They started counting, but never even got past > ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in > yucky > stuff; they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be lot > of > stuff inside there." > Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and > returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, > if > it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica > comes along.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.'' ''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.'' A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. The women's group concluded that computers should be Masculine (''el computer''), because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model. (No chuckling... this gets better!) The men's group, however, decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computer''), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is impossible to understand for everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The men won.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job." So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They faxed. They E-mailed. They E-mailed with attachments. They downloaded. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They created labels and cards. They created charts and graphs. They did some genealogy reports. They did every job known to man. Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell . Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: "It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?" God just shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
Originally Posted By FaMulan Life Explained.... On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed. On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed. On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again. On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal." So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Subject: A Wine for Seniors A new wine for seniors: California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as Pino More.
Originally Posted By FaMulan A Blonde in a Snowstorm....a little humor for the ones with Snow... ... It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was > almost zero when the blonde got off work. She made her way to > her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her > car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally > remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she > should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would > not get stuck in a snowdrift. > > This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a > snowplow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the > snowplow, she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not > having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time > had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the > driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down > her window. > > The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been > following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him > of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard. The > driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue, if she > wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over > to Firestone Tire next.
Originally Posted By FaMulan ..**George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hi****l****lary Clinton ***are ** traveling** by train to the Super Bowl. ** **At the station George and Laura each buy a ticket and watch as ** **Bill and Hilary buy just one ticket. ** **"How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" ** **asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing. ** **"Watch and learn," answers Hi*****l****lary. *** **They all board the train. George and Laura take their ** **respective seats but Bill and Hilary cram into a toilet ** **together and close the door. Shortly after the train has ** **departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. ** **He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The ** **door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges ** **with a ticket in hand.. The conductor takes it and moves on. ** **The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever ** **idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar ** **plan on the return trip. When they get to the station they see ** the Clinton's at the window buying a single ticket** ***for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Clinton's see *** **that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all. ** **"Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without **a ticket**?" says Hil*****l****ary. *** **"Live and learn," answers Laura Bush. ** **When they board the train the Bushes cram themselves into a ** **toilet and the Clinton's cram into another toilet just ** **down the way. ** **Shortly after the train leaves the station, George W. leaves ** **their toilet and walks over to the Clinton's toilet, knocks ** **on their door and says, "Ticket, please." ** **(And you're still trying to figure out how the Democrats lost ** **that election.) *******
Originally Posted By FaMulan >----- HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? >=============================== > >( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like >sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the >chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10 > >( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to >marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later >who you're stuck with. -- Kirsten, age 10 > >WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? > ( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by >then. -- Camille, age 10 > >( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get >married. -- Freddie, age 6 > >HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? >( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at >the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8 > >WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? >( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8 > >WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? >( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know >each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- >Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) > > ( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually >gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10 >(young Einstein) > >WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? >( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the >newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead >columns. --Craig, age 9 > >WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? >( 1 ) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7 > >( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with >that. -- Curt, age 7 > >( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry >them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8 > >IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? >( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never >going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. -- >Theodore, age 8 (just keep thinking this way) > >( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone >to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child) > >HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? >( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- >Kelvin, age 8 > >And the #1 Favorite is........ > >HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? >( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a >ruck. -- Ricky, age 10
Originally Posted By FaMulan If you've never seen the cable show "Mythbusters" - check it out some time. They specialize in re-creating urban myths and legends to see if they are technically possible. A recent episode had them "firing" a .22 caliber bullet from the fuse block of a Ford F100 pickup truck. They had to simulate a shorted headlight to get it to work, but they could fire a bullet repeatedly into their crash dummy's leg. Subject: FW: Darwin Awards >> Finally, THE WINNER!!!: >> [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were injured when their >> pickup >> truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway >> 38 >> early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident >> shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy >> Ray >> Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog >> gigging >> trip on an overcast Sunday night when Poole's pickup truck headlights >> malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the >> older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not >> available, >> Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly >> into >> the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. Upon inserting the >> bullet the >> headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on >> eastbound toward the White River Bridge. After traveling approximately >> 20 >> miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently >> overheated, >> discharged, and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved >> sharply >> right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only >> minor >> cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require extensive surgery >> to >> repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. >> Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank >> God we >> weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might both >> be >> dead," stated >> Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but >> this >> is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this >> accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck Lavinia >> (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone >> get >> them from the truck??? >> >> Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure >> as >> normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that >> Poole >> DID, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Observations on Life: > 1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died > peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." > --Author Unknown > > 2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you > get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: > "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." > --Author Unknown > > > >3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a > support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." > --Drew Carey > > > > 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." > --Jeff Foxworthy > > > 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball > and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save > the infant's life without even considering if there is a > man on base." > --Dave Barry > > > 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and > we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or > girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' > notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they > leave you, they should have to find you a temp." > --Bob Ettinger > > > 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took > her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. > I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" > --Paula Poundstone > > > 8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." > --Conan O'Brien > > > 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm > halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... > I could be eating a slow learner." > --Lynda Montgomery > > > 10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people > in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the > poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" > --Richard Jeni > > > 11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the > impersonators would be dead." > --Johnny Carson > > > 12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us > geography." > --Paul Rodriguez > > > 13) "My parents didn't want to move to Flor ida, but they > turned sixty and that's the law." > --Jerry Seinfeld > > > 14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in > case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file > line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? > What, do tall people burn slower?" > --Warren Hutcherson > > > 15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is > the same." > --Oscar Wilde > > > 16) "Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a > member of Congress... But I repeat myself." > --Mark Twain > > > 17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school > student. At least they can find Afghanistan." > --A. Whitney Brown > > > 18) "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." > --Billy Crystal > > > 19) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the > dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're > right! I never would've thought of that!'" > --Dave Barry > > 20) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow > Disease" was taken. > --Unknown, presumed deceased
Originally Posted By FaMulan A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims. "Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.
Originally Posted By FaMulan In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream And Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled. And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure That Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to Size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast. God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil In which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained More weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food." God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose Those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and Cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds. Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming With nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the Starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds. God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and Still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent Double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into Cardiac arrest. God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs. Thought for the day ...... There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. If you don't send this to five old friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world. --------------------------
