Originally Posted By Labuda "They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore." ::applaud applaud applaud::
Originally Posted By FaMulan A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says, "OK, Get in the car with it." "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there. "But what about the smell?" "Just hold its nose." The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
Originally Posted By FaMulan DON'T MESS WITH GRANDMA An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Texas Chili Contest - If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is a scream! Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to The first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3) Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili.... Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy SHIT what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the Flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili... Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure What I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who Wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili... Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get Me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer... Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic... Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was Unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover... Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead And I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given ! me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety... Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I CRAPPED on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will Eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili... Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am Worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili... Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Originally Posted By FaMulan >Subject: Bible Story > > >>A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial > >>troubles. Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, > >>he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and > >>distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from > >>the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for > >>$10 each to raise desperately needed money for the church. > >> > >>Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. > >> > >>The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their livings as salesmen and > >>were likely capable of selling some bibles, but he had serious doubts > >>about Louie who was just a little local farmer who had always tended to > >>keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. > >> > >>Poor little Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor > >>Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway. > >> > >>He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked > >>with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of > >>their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday. > >> > >>When they got together, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, > >>Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?" > >> > >>Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Pastor, > >>using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 > >>collected on behalf of the church." > >> > >>"Fine job, Peter!" the reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. > >>"You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you." > >> > >> Turning to Paul, he asked "And how many bibles did you manage to sell > >> for the church last week?" > >> > >>Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied,"Reverend, I > >>am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of > >>my expertise. Last week I sold 28 bibles on behal f of the church, and > >>here's $280 I collected." > >> > >>The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a > >>professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you." > >> > >>Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And > >>Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" > >> > >>Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened > >>it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. > >>"Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that > >>you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week? > >> > >> Louie just nodded. > >> > >>"That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are > >>professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles > >>as we could." > >> > >>"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "Please explain how > >>you managed to accomplish this, Louie." > >> > >>Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for > >>sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. > >> > >>Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us > >>what you said to them when they answered the door!" > >> > >>"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would > >>y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this > >>b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would > >>yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and > >>r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
Originally Posted By FaMulan Subject: FW: redneck drivers license application Driver's License Application Department o' Motor Veehicles State of __________ Plez compleet this paper, best ya can. Last name: ________________ First name: [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_] Self Un-employed Spouse's Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________ Lover's Name: __________________________ 2nd Lover's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet [_] Livestock Number of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ Not known:____________________ Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) If you obtained a higher education what was your major? [_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No) Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse ____ shed ____ pawnshop Model and year of your pickup: _________ 197_ Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: [_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___ Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A Brand of chewing tobacco or snuff you prefer: [_] Red-Man [_] Skoal [_] Copenhagen How far is your home from a paved road? [_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] don't know
Originally Posted By FaMulan BAD, BAD LITTLE JOHNNY A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating". Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate." Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her bosoms are so big she can only fasten eight." The teacher cried
Originally Posted By FaMulan A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her >students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" > > >Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" > > >Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. > > >While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the >principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. >If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. > >She agreed. > > >Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he >agreed to take the test. > > >Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" > > >Harry: "9". > > >Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" > > >Harry: "36". > > >And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader >should know. > > >The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." > > >Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." > > >The principal and Harry both agreed. > > >Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" > > >Harry, after a moment: "Legs." > > >Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" > > >The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! > > >Harry replied: "Pockets." > > >Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" > > >Harry: "Pants" > > >Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, >delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid? > > >Harry: "Coconut." > > >The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. > > >Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" > > >The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the >answer. > > > >Harry: "Bubble gum" > > >Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down >and a dog does on three legs?" > > >Harry: "Shake hands." > > >The principal was trembling. > > >Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a >lot of heat and excitement?" > > >Harry: "Firetruck" > > >The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......
Originally Posted By FaMulan Here are a few things to think about: Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round? Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then buy binoculars to look at things on the ground? How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America? If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup? Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out."? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a crisp, which no intelligent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs. Do blind people dream? If Wyle Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? Are Disney World and Disney Land the only people traps operated by a mouse? Have you noticed that the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Did you just try singing the two songs above? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window? Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
Originally Posted By FaMulan Clever Wife There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."
Originally Posted By FaMulan Who's On First for the Next Generation! George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: That's what I want to know. Condi: That's what I'm telling you. George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellow's name. Condi: Hu. George: The guy in China. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The main man in China! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now whaddya' asking me for? Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China. George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: That's the man's name. George: That's who's name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East. Condi: That's correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You don't want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! All right!! With cream and two sugars..............
Originally Posted By FaMulan When I Whine ~~~~~~~ Today, upon a bus, I saw a girl with golden hair I looked at her and sighed and wished I was as fair. When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle. She had one leg and used a crutch But as she passed, she passed a smile. Oh, God, forgive me when I whine I have 2 legs, the world is mine. ~~~ I stopped to buy some candy The lad who sold it had such charm I talked with him a while, he seemed so very glad If I were late, it'd do no harm. And as I left, he said to me, "I thank you, you've been so kind. It's nice to talk with folks like you. You see," he said, "I'm blind." Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have 2 eyes, the world is mine. ~~~ Later while walking down the street, I saw a child with eyes of blue He stood and watched the others play He did not know what to do. I stopped a moment and then I said, "Why don't you join the others, dear?" He looked ahead without a word. And then I knew, he couldn't hear. Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have 2 ears, the world is mine. ~~~ With feet to take me where I'd go. With eyes to see the sunset's glow. With ears to hear what I would know. Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I've been blessed indeed, The world is mine.
Originally Posted By FaMulan >Subject: Room 302 > Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this: > > A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse." > > The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?" > > "Sarah Finkel, room 302." > > "I'll connect you with the nursing station." > > "3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?" > > "I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302." > > "Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon." > > The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!" > > The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!" > > "Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me squat."
Originally Posted By FaMulan > >Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! ! How many men does it take to open a beer? > >> >>>>None. It should be opened when she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a >>really bad place to pick up a woman? > >>>>Because a woman who can't even >>afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why >>do women have smaller feet than men? > >>>>It's one of those "evolutionary >>things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you >>know when a woman is about to say something smart? > >>>>When she starts a >>sentence with "A man once told me..." How do you fix a woman's watch? > >> >>>>You don't. There is a clock on the oven. Why do men fart more than >>women? > >>>Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the >>required pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife >>is yelling at the > >>>>front door, who do you let in first? > >>>>The >>dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. What's worse than a >>Male Chauvinist Pig? > >>>>A woman who won't do what she's told. I married >>a Miss Right. > >>>>I just didn't know her first name was Always. >>Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes > >>>>a woman's sex >>drive by 90%. > >> >>>>It's called a Wedding Cake. Why do men die before their wives? > They >> >>>>want to. Women will never be equal to men until they can > walk down >> >>>>the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think >>they are sexy. In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. > >> >>>>Then God created Man and rested. > >>>>Then God created Woman. > >> >>>>Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. >> >>Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and > >>>>to the select few >>women who can handle the truth ! > >>>> >
Originally Posted By FaMulan WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? (taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds) Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's. A grandfather is a man grandmother. Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also Why we shouldn't step on "cracks." They don't say, "Hurry up." Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out. Grandparents don't have to be smart. They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?". When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again. Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us. They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad. A 6 YEAR OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WERE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.'' Send this to other grandparents. It will make their day.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Subject: The Church Gossip The Church Gossip Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town'sonly bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Late that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house........................and left it there all night.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Ski Trip Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it is terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."
Originally Posted By FaMulan NURSING HOME VS. CRUISE SHIP There Will Be No Nursing Home in My Future When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and Senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for: 1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day. 2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week). 3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night. 4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo. 5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. 6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days. 7. TV broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience. 8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them. 9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. 10. Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore-to-ship. P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no extra charge!
