Originally Posted By goodgirl ^^Nice idea. I think I'll take that to my financial planner and see what he thinks.
Originally Posted By FaMulan > Dear Ma and Pa: > > I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine > Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick > before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because > you got to stay in bed till nearly 6a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep > late. > > Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine > some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, > fire to lay. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. > > Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, > etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie > and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the > two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till > noon when you get fed again. > > It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on route marches", > which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks > so,it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far > as to our mailbox at home.Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride > back in trucks. > > The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. > He nags a lot. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just > ride around and frown. They don't bother you none. > > This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for > shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head > and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. > All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it You don't even > load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. > > Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle > with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. > It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they > got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in SilverLake. I only beat > him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 > pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry. > > Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get > onto this setup and come stampeding in. > > Your loving daughter, > Gail > >
Originally Posted By FaMulan A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping
Originally Posted By FaMulan Why Math is Taught in School I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough hat he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Flip one off? ....... I think not.
Originally Posted By FaMulan This is a true story from the family of a friend. Names have been changed to protect the innocent: Woke up to a nice morning with the house nice and quiet and no one stirring. This was about 4:30 then all of a sudden the Jeep was roaring and lights flashing as Daddy was leaving for work. No problem. Was able to go back to sleep and woke back up at 6:00 AM Coffee in hand and the news on,,,,, the morning was glorious 6:07 AM Little Boy came walking in and wanted cartoons on 6:09 AM Little Girl woke up cuz the TV was too loud and looked at me with hair all askew 6:15 AM had to wake Papa’s Girlfriend up so Jack could be taken to the vets for teeth cleaning 6:19 AM Papa’s Girlfriend a bit nervous cuz of the major surgery and had to calm her down with coffee and assurance Jack would be OK 6:25 AM getting the kids ready for the day and Little Girl noticed the Jo Jo fish had no head or tail (it had died during the night and the others had fed on him all night 6:32 AM she had to call Daddy to find out the disposal method and did not think Papa's idea of letting the others finish him off was a good idea 6:37 AM Little Girl called her Dady and they decided with out telling him Papa's idea that it would be best to take him out and send him to the ocean via the toilet was best 6:40 AM we escort Jack and Papa’s Girlfriend out the door hugging and kissing Jack as he heads in for major surgery and comforting Papa’s Girlfriend 6:48 AM While fixing breakfast and Little Girl and I discussing the better solution for the headless and tailless fish disposal, Little Boy announced from the bathroom for Papa to come in!!!! 6:48 AM Papa rushed in to find Little Boy had forgot to lift the lid and had an accident all over the floor and himself 6:50 AM I am taking Little Boy’s clothes off and have the bath water running to warm the water and get pee boy in the tub to clean him up. 6:51 AM I lift pee boy in the tub to rinse him off and at that time Little Girl runs screaming that her tooth came out from biting in the bagel and pee boy is screaming at me that the water is hot and doing the hot foot dance and the toothless wonder is screaming at me that her tooth is out and I find a puddle of pee in the corner that I had not seen earlier and was standing in an inch of pee with pee boy yelling "it's hot" and toothless wonder yelling her tooth came out and my pee stained toes tip toeing around trying to yank pee boy out of the tub and console the toothless wonder. 6:52 AM pee boy safely out of the tub and standing in the new pee puddle and the toothless wonder consoled I cool the water down and put pee boy back in the tub and tell the toothless wonder to go secure her tooth for Mommy and Daddy 6:54 AM pee boy is nice and clean and dry and headed to his bedroom to get new clothes and I take my pee stained toes and rinse them off and clean the bathroom floor and head to the breakfast table to finish getting ready for the morning. 6:59 AM we are laughing about the morning and finishing the breakfast and talking about the tooth fairy and how she delivers the treats when it's raining and her possibility of driving a Jeep or flying 7:10 AM we clean up and finish watching cartoons 7:22 AM the fish with no head or tail is gone......they finished him off no head to tail no problem!!!! ohhhhh by the way a new crisis popped up 7:49 AM Little Girl wants to know how Gramma can possibly eat dark chocolate with no sugar!!!!
Originally Posted By Labuda OMG, please tell me that's not REALLY the start of the day for someone you know, Fa! lol
Originally Posted By FaMulan Yep, it's a true story from my Sister's Best Friend's Father who was watching her kids one day.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Marriage - Part I Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ......... whether you're here or not." (DAMM SHE'S GOOD!) ************************************ Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last" (HE ASKED FOR IT!) ****************************** Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second opinion!" (YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!) ****************************************** Marriage (Part IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." (RIGHT ON, LADY!) ************************************** Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Showering Habits Everyday Living How to shower like a woman 1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. 2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. 3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups. 4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone. 5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. 6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. 7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. 8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. 9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. 10. Rinse conditioner off hair. 11. Shave armpits and legs. 12. Turn off shower. 13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. 14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. 15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs. 16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. 17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Showering Habits Everyday Living How to shower like a man 1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. 2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. 3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire yourself and scratch your butt. 4. Get in the shower. 5. Wash your armpits. 6. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. 7. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower. 8. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding areas. 9. Wash your butt, leaving butt hairs stuck on the soap. 10. Shampoo your hair. 11. Make a shampoo Mohawk. 12. Pee. 13. Rinse off and get out of shower. 14. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time. 15. Admire self again. 16. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. 17. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife pull off towel, shake self at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. 18. Throw wet towel on bed.
Originally Posted By FaMulan The attached is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 96 year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times. To whom it may concern, I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his depositing the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds from my modest savings account, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has recently become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached, an Application Contact Status form, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note: all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Please allow me to level the playing field even further. When you call me, you will now have a menu of options on my new voice mail system to choose from. Please press the buttons as follows: 1- To make an appointment to see me. 2- To query a missing payment. 3- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there. 4- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping. 5- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. 6- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home. 7- To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact. 8- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7. 9- To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. Please credit my account after each occasion. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year. Your Humble Client, (Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman)
Originally Posted By FaMulan Love This Comeback! From a woman in Colorado One of my sons serves in the military. He is still stateside, here in California. He called me yesterday to let me know how warm and welcoming people were to him, and his troops, everywhere he goes, telling me how people shake their hands, and thank them for being willing to serve, and fight, for not only our own freedoms but so that others may have them also. But he also told me about an incident in the grocery store he stopped at yesterday, on his way home from the base. He said that ahead of several people in front of him stood a woman dressed in a burkha. He said when she got to the cashier she loudly remarked about the US flag lapel pin the cashier wore on her smock. The cashier reached up and touched the pin, and said proudly, "Yes, I always wear it and I probably always will." The woman in the burkha then asked the cashier when she was going to stop bombing her countrymen, explaining that she was Iraqi. A gentleman standing behind my son stepped forward, putting his arm around my son's shoulders, and nodding towards my son, said in a calm and gentle voice to the Iraqi woman: "Lady, hundreds of thousands of men and women like this young man have fought and died so that YOU could stand here, in MY country and accuse a check-out cashier of bombing YOUR countrymen. It is my belief that had you been this outspoken in YOUR own country, we wouldn't need to be there today. But, hey, if you have now learned how to speak out so loudly and clearly, I'll gladly buy you a ticket and pay your way back to Iraq so you can straighten out the mess in YOUR country that you are obviously here in MY country to avoid." Everyone within hearing distance cheered! Pass it on.... Patriotism is not a Fad message. It's what we stand for.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on the bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the locker room stops to listen. Man: Hello Woman: Honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes Woman: I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat that's only $1,000. Is it ok if I buy it? Man: Sure, honey...go ahead and buy it if you like it that much. Woman: I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked. Man: How much? Woman: $60,000. Man: OK, but for that price I want all the options. Woman: Great, Oh and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They are asking $950,000. Man: Well, OK, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000. Woman: OK, I'll see you later. I love you. Man: Bye, I love you too. The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at the man in astonishment. Then the man asks: Anyone know who this cell phone belongs to?
Originally Posted By FaMulan Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Steve throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!" Tony says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket; tell Jane somebody threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Steve rolls into home and Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You simply reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting! You simpleton!" Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thissother guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!" Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks." "Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he poooopt in my pants, too."
Originally Posted By FaMulan A woman named Emily renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation. She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself. "What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job, or are you just a ....? "Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a Mom." "We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation...'housewife' covers it," said the recorder emphatically. I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like, "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar." "What is your occupation?" she probed. What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply popped out. "I'm a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and Human Relations." The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly, emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire. "Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in your field?" Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, "I have a continuing program of research, (what mother doesn't), in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters, (the whole darned family), and already have four credits, (all daughters). Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it). But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money." There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door. As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3. Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby), in the child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern. I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than "just another Mom." Motherhood.....What a glorious career! Especially when there's a title on the door. Does this make grandmothers "Senior Research Associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations" and great-grandmothers "Executive Senior Research Associates"? I think so!!! I also think it makes Aunts "Associate Research Assistants". Please send this to all the Moms, Grandmothers, Aunts, you know.
