Originally Posted By FaMulan RED SKELTON'S -TIPS FOR A LASTING MARRIAGE 1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Calif. and mine is in Texas. 3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake." 8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!" 10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. 11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always." 12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. 13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!" Can't you just hear him say all of these? I love it.... this is the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word...just good clean and simple fun!
Originally Posted By FaMulan POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr?" I'm thinking, "Belinda . try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice....it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off! "What?" I yelled. "Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone, are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy ... the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk." Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass! After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks." "You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store. Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?" And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps........
Originally Posted By FaMulan >>> THE MAYONNAISE JAR AND COFFEE >>> When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 >>> hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the >>> coffee... A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some >>> items in front >>> of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and >>> empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then >>> asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. >>> >>> The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into >>> the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open >>> areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if >>> the jar was full. They agreed it was. >>> >>> The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the >>> jar Of >>> course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if >>> the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes." >>> >>> The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table >>> and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the >>> empty space between the sand. The students laughed. "Now," said the professor, >>> as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar >>> represents your life. >>> >>> "The golf balls are the important things - your God, family, your >>> children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions - things >>> that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would >>> still be full. >>> >>> "The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, >>> and your car. The sand is everything else-the small stuff. >>> >>> "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no >>> room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If >>> you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will >>> never have room for >>> the things that are important to you. >>> >>> "Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. >>> Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take >>> your partner >>> out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean >>> the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, >>> the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just >>> sand." >>> >>> One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee >>> represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes >>> to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's >>> always room >>> for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
Originally Posted By FaMulan The Old Indian Chief An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied; "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work,Medicine Man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled ..... "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Originally Posted By FaMulan Frank goes into an adult toy shop and asks for a blow up doll. The clerk asks him, "Do you want a white one or a black one?" Frank says, "A black one please." The clerks asks, "Do you want a Christian or a Muslim?" Frank asks, "What's the difference?" And the clerk replied, "The Muslims blow themselves up."
Originally Posted By FaMulan You've probably seen this before, but I thought you might enjoy it ... To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!" "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!" "No Way!" "Yes way!" "Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God. "Why" "Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" said the Father. "I don't know," said Eve. "She started it!" Adam said "Did not!" "Did too!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you? THINGS TO THINK ABOUT! 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up. 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children. 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in. ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day. AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE: "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!! Quick, send this on to ten people within the next five minutes. Nothing will happen if you don't, but if you do, ten people will be laughing.
Originally Posted By FaMulan The way gas prices are, they should offer something like this... A gas station in West Virginia was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up". Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time." A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy. It ain't rigged ----- my wife won twice last week."
Originally Posted By FaMulan I found some Passover Jokes! Non-Jews and folks who've never attended a Seder may not get them, but oh well... Q: Why do we have an Haggadah at Passover? A: So we can Seder right words. Q: What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction? A: A matzochist. By: Pierre Abbat It seems a group of leading medical people have published data that indicates that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It is indicated that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver. A blind man is sitting on a park bench. A Rabbi sits down next to him. The Rabbi is chomping on a piece of matzoh. Taking pity on the blind man, he breaks off a piece and gives it to the blind man. Several minutes later, the blind man turns, taps the Rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this?!!" G-d: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. It is cruel. Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together. G-d: No, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in its mother's milk. Moses: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs. G-d: No, Moses, what I'm saying is, never cook a calf in it's mother's milk!!! Moses: Oh, Lord! Please don't strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside... G-d: Moses, do whatever you want.... This is a little known tale of how G-d came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments. G-d first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment. "What's a commandment?" they asked. "Well, it's like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied G-d. The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our weekends." So then G-d went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment. They also asked, "What's a commandment?" "Well," said G-d, "It's like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL." The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy." So finally G-d went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment. They asked, "How much?" G-d said, "They're free." The Jews said, "Great! We'll take TEN!" A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen. He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder: "Ma nishtana ha layla ha zeh mi kol ha laylot." Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"
Originally Posted By Labuda Well, I'm not Jewish so a decent amount of that went zooming over my head, BUT: Q: What do you call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction? A: A matzochist. THAT is funny! hehehehe
Originally Posted By FaMulan More Passover Jokes! The Jewish holiday commemorating the Exodus from Egypt begins at Sundown tomorrow. Moses was sitting in the Egyptian ghetto. Things were terrible. Pharaoh wouldn't even speak to him. The rest of the Israelites were mad at him and making the overseers even more irritable than usual, etc. He was about ready to give up. Suddenly a booming, sonorous voice spoke from above: "You, Moses, heed me ! I have good news, and bad news." Moses was staggered. The voice continued: "You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel from bondage. If Pharaoh refuses to release your bonds, I will smite Egypt with a rain of frogs" "You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to the Promised Land. If Pharaoh blocks your way, I will smite Egypt with a plague of Locust." "You, Moses, will lead the People of Israel to freedom and safety. If Pharaoh's army pursues you, I will part the waters of the Red Sea to open your path to the Promised Land." Moses was stunned. He stammered, "That's.... that's fantastic. I can't believe it! --- But what's the bad news?" "You, Moses, must write the Environmental Impact Statement." The winter of 1994 was tough on many of Europe's root crops. A week before Passover the Jewish Community of Madrid found that the shipment of horseradish it had ordered from Bolivia would now not arrive until ten days after the Passover ended. The community needed the horseradish for its traditional paschal ritual of Marror, but whomever they tried approaching from among the EU suppliers, they received the same reply "Sorry! No can do." In desperation, the Rabbi phoned one of his Yeshiva friends in Tel Aviv - who happened to be the second cousin of the Mashgiach for Agrexco - and begged him to organize the despatch of a crate of Israeli horseradish roots, by air-freight to Madrid. It took the friend two days to organize, and two days before Passover, a crate of grade A tear-jerking Israeli horseradish roots was proudly loaded at Ben Gurion Airport onto the El-Al flight 789 to Madrid, and all seemed to be well. Unfortunately when the Rabbi came to Madrid Airport in order to take the crate out of Customs, he was informed that an unforseen wildcat strike had just broken out among the members of the airport's Transport and General Workers Union, and no shipments would be unloaded for at least four days. So you see, "the chraine in Spain stayed mainly on the plane!" Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama." The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up." "But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?" "It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain." "But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?" "No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow." "Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there." "Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore." A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there." Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to do, to get them to come down next year?" What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? a.He was being tested. b.He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. c.He refused to ask directions. Passover is approaching. At the sedar table, every Jewish child will be retold the story of Moses and the Pharoah, and how G-d brought boils, locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in spite of this overwealming evidence of G-d's intensions, Pharoah refused to let the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born children was inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes. Only after this tragedy did the Pharoah relent and let the Jews leave slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land. This has been known for generations. What has not been known is why the Pharoah, in the face of such overwhelming evidence would refuse to release the Jews ater the first nine plagues. It took eight years of research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the reknowned psychologist and nurse, to find the definitive answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer. And once found, it was obvious.....The Pharoah was still in de Nile. A little boy once returned home from Hebrew school and his father asked, "what did you learn today?" He answered, "The Rabbi told us how Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt." "How?" The boy said "Moses was a big strong man and he beat Pharoah up. Then while he was down, he got all the people together and ran towards the sea. When he got there, he has the Corps of Engineers build a huge pontoon bridge. Once they got on the other side, they blew up the bridge while the Egyptians were trying to cross." The father was shocked. "Is that what the Rabbi taught you?" The boy replied, "No. But you'd never beleive the story he DID tell us!" As Moses and the children of Israel were crossing the Red Sea, the children of Israel began to complain to Moses of how thirsty they were after walking so far. Unfortunately, they were not able to drink from the walls of water on either side of them, as they were made up of salt-water. Then, a fish from that wall of water told Moses that he and his family heard the complaints of the people, but that they through their own gills could remove the salt from the water and force it out of their mouths like a fresh water fountain for the Israelites to drink from as they walked by. Moses accepted this kindly fish's offer. But before the fish and his family began to help, they told Moses they had a demand. They and their descendants had to be always present at the seder meal that would be established to commemorate the Exodus, since they had a part in the story. When Moses agreed to this, he gave them their name which remains how they are known to this very day, for he said to them, "Go Filter Fish!"
Originally Posted By FaMulan Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. Over the years he studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets. His company was such a hit that the President of the United States called Bernie into his office. "Bernie," the president said, "the President of Israel wants to commission your company to build an advanced jet fighter for his country. You have our approval--go out and design him the best jet fighter ever made." Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank G-d.) Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight--the wings broke off again. Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his Schul to pray...to ask G-d where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and naturally asked him what the matter was. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi. After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the rabbi put his arm on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off." Bernie just smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. Maybe the rabbi had some holy insight. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And...it worked!! The next test flight went perfectly! Brimming with joy, Bernie went to the Schul to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would." "But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?" "Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzoh broken on the perforation. Top 10 Reasons to Celebrate Passover 10. Save money by using last year’s Matza (it won’t taste any different and you haven’t thought of eating it since then) 9. Elbows on the table 8. Maror – it’s a better medicine for sinuses than any prescription. 7. Four cups of wine (and if Elijah doesn’t show this year, there’s a 5th!!) 6. The extra cash from selling your Chometz (leavened bread items) comes in handy after Spring Break. 5. The required cleaning of the refrigerator gives you a reason to throw out that old milk container. 4. You actually eat the parsley. 3. Reasons to use your wooden spoon, candle, and feather collection that you can actually tell you mother about. 2. Think of all the toilet paper you save by eating Matzah for a week. 1. To remember that Charlton Heston (and his wife, Lilly Munster) led you out of Egypt. If you want to avoid an unwelcome Passover invitation, you can say you can't go because I/my wife has a yeast infection. Viagra is banned during Pesach, along with all other agents causing things to rise. Submitted by: L. M. Kimmelman Why do we say Yizkor on the last day of Passover? What's the connection? On Passover, we remember the Exodus. After Yizkor, in most shuls, there is also a mass Exodus! How did Passover get its name? Since the Seder table is usually made larger, people can't reach for the items on the table and invariably ask others: "Could you please Pass Over the matza, etc."! How is a good sermon like a piece of matza? They both should take less than 18 minutes! Written by Rabbi Mordechai Bulua BITTER HERB by David Schilling © 2001 There once was a man named Herb who had slaved away at his job for many years. He never expected them to pass over him for promotion, but they did, and so he was bitter about that. Bitter Herb is what they called him. Although he was the kind of guy who mows his lawn each weekend, it seemed that he was even bitter about that too. He lived most of his life on the edge of denial. He would often whine about the problems that plagued him. He always seemed to have a bone to pick about this or that. Things were made worse by a co-worker who egged him on, a guy that Herb once called a "dip" twice. You might just say that Herb wasn't upright. One day, Bitter Herb returned from the boss's office all hoarse and reddish. "I'm fired! They're gonna let my people go! " he exclaimed. "Why? Why why why?" He opened his wallet and looked inside. "No bread!" he cried. "He gypped me out of a job!" That night, as he cleared out his desk, he knew that this night was different from all other nights. He looked at some old pictures by his children of Israel. Just then, he spilled water across his desk, when luckily, before anything got wet, the water parted. After leaving and then wandering around for a while, Herb moved to Florida where he was promised land. Herb is now happy when he and his wife go out to the local restaurant and order the specials and one is completely free.
Originally Posted By FaMulan A little girl had been shopping with her Mom in Wal-Mart. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Wal-Mart. We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child came pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day. The little voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in "Mom, let's run through the rain," she said. "What?" Mom asked. "Let's run through the rain!" She repeated. "No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied. This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run through the rain," "We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said. "No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm. This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet? "Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!" The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes. Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith. "Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If GOD lets us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said. Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars. And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing. Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories...So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven. A friend sent this to me to remind me of life. Hope you enjoy it. I HOPE YOU STILL TAKE THE TIME TO RUN THROUGH THE RAIN. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them. Send this to the people you'll never forget and remember to also send it to the person who sent it to you. It's a short message to let them know that you'll never forget them. If you don't send it to anyone, it means you're in a hurry. Take the time to live!!! Keep in touch with your friends, you never know when you ' ll need each other -- and don't forget to run in the rain!
Originally Posted By FaMulan > > A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and > > > > socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed > > > > to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' houses each month. Of course, > > > > the lady of the house was to prepare the meal. > > > > When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their > > > > house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a > > > > meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over. A few > > > > days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have > > > > mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some > > > > mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she > > > > wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have > > > > mushrooms because they are too expensive." > > > > He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those > > > > mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed." > > > > She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild > > > > mushrooms are poison." > > > > He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the > > > > time, and it never has affected them." > > > > After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the > > > > pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild > > > > mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them > > > > ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch > > and > > > > got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even > > put > > > > some bacon grease on them to make them tasty. Ol' Spot didn't slow down > > until > > > > he had eaten every bite. All morning long Susie watched him and the wild > > > > mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal > > > > was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and > > > > help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It > > > > was first class. After everyone had finished. they all began to kick back > > > > and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to > > > > gossip a bit. > > > > About this time the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered > > > > in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died." With this news, > > Susie > > > > went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor > > > > and told him what had happened. > > > > The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will > > > > call for an ambulance, and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We > > will > > > > pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them > > > > all there and keep them calm." > > > > It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the > > > > ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out > > with their > > > > suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. > > > > One by one they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out > > their > > > > stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I > > > > think everything will be fine now", and he left. > > > > They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and > > about this time the town > > > > lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never > > > > even stopped." > >
Originally Posted By FaMulan >THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES: > Six married men will be dropped on an island with > > One car and 4 kids each > > for six weeks. > > > > Each kid will play two sports and either take music > > Or dance classes. > > There is no fast food. > > Each man must take care of his 4 kids; keep his > > assigned house clean, > > correct all homework, complete science projects, > > cook, do laundry, and pay a > > list of "pretend" bills with not enough money. > > > > In addition...each man will have to budget in money > > for groceries each week. > > > > Each man must also take each child to a doctor's > > appointment, a dentist > > appointment, and an appointment for a haircut. He > > must also make cookies or > > cupcakes for a social function. > > > > Each man will be responsible for decorating his own > > assigned house, planting > > flowers outside and keep it presentable at all > > times. > > > > The men will only have access to television when the > > kids a re asleep and all > > chores are done. > > There is only one TV between them. > > > > Each father will be required to know all of the > > words to every stupid song > > that comes on TV and the name of each and every > > repulsive character on > > cartoons. > > > > The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, > > which they will apply > > themselves either while driving or making four > > lunches. > > > > They must adorn themselves with jewelry, wear > > uncomfortable yet stylish > > shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows > > groomed. > > > > During one of the six weeks, they will have to > > endure > > severe stomach cramps, > > back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood > > swings > > but never once > > complain or slow down from other duties. > > They must attend weekly PTA meetings, church, and > > find time at least once to > > spend the afternoon at the park or a similar > > setting. > > > > He will need to pray with the children each night, > > bathe them, dress them, > > brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning > > by 7:00. > > > > A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, > > And each father will be > > required to know all of the following information: > > > > *each child's birthday, > > height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's > > name. Also the child's > > weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length > > of labor. > > > > *each child's favorite color, middle name, favorite > > snack, favorite song, > > favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what > > they want to be when > > they grow up. > > They must clean up after their sick children at > > 3:00 a.m. and then spend the > > remainder of the day tending to that child and > > waiting on them hand and foot > > until they are better. > > > > Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with > > six toothpicks, a > > tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat > > a serving of peas. > > > > The kids vote them off the island based on > > performance. > > > > The last man wins only if...he still has enough > > energy to be intimate with > > his spouse at a moments notice.. > > > > If the last man does win, he can play the game over > > and over and over again > > for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the > > right to be called Mother! > > Send this to as many females you t hink will get a > > kick out of it and as many > > men you think will appreciate it!
