Originally Posted By FaMulan Alas, dear topic, my email has been bereft of good, postable jokes lately. Hopefully my sources will start passing things along again soon.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Trip to the dentist... A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one heck of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work! The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness--this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?" The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show him which one it is."
Originally Posted By FaMulan Note: If you're at all PC, this joke may not be for you... There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance. As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts. "Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!" "You're right, amigo!" says Pepe. So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?" With his ! dying breath Pepe calls out... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a Bacon Treee. "Ees" "Ees" "Ees... a.... Ham bush
Originally Posted By FaMulan Subject: New Virus > > > > There is a new virus circulating. It is called "WORK." If you > > receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, or from anyone >else, >do not > > touch it under any circumstances. This virus wipes out your >private >life > > completely. > > > > If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take > two > > friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks > immediately > > and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been >completely > > deleted from your brain. > > > > ; If you don't drink, check out the Dairy Queen Hot Fudge Brownie > > Supreme! Chocolate is a good substitute! > > > > Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. > > > > Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you > are > > already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your > life. > < BR>> If this is the case, go to the nearest bar and stay until you >make >at > > least five friends. > > > > I think I have five friends, but I am not entirely positive, so > I'm > > headed for the bar anyway...it never hurts to be safe.
Originally Posted By Labuda Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first.
Originally Posted By FaMulan OHHH MY GOD!!! THIS IS HILARIOUS BUYING A SWIMSUIT This is a true story written by a woman in England to her friend after a swimsuit shopping expedition. "I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing suit." When I was a child in the 1950's, the bathing suit for a woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the pre-pubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice; she can either front up at the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia - or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands. What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks The reason for this is that any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my bosom had disappeared! Eventually, I found one bosom cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump. I realigned my speed hump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment. The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately, it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of play dough wearing undersized cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the pre-pubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtains, "Oh, there you are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring. I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane pregnant with triplets and having a rough day. I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them. Finally, I found a suit that fitted, a two-piece affair with shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome. When I got home, I found a label that said, "Material will become transparent in water."
Originally Posted By FaMulan The Dealership A woman walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfectly "loaded" Lexus. She walked over to inspect it more closely. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed. There, standing right behind her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, the salesman replied, "Madame, I am very sorry but this car /may/ not be the one for you" Sounding indignant the woman replied, "And just why might that be*?" Well, Madame, if you farted just touching it you're gonna poop your pants when you hear the price.
Originally Posted By FaMulan How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?" Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! Rottweiler: Make me. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please! German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb! Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there..... Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle... Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?" All of which proves, once again, that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.
Originally Posted By FaMulan What is a Cat? Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere. Conclusion: They're tiny women in little fur coats
Originally Posted By FaMulan What is a Dog? Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the next room. They can look dumb and lovable at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you. Conclusion: They're tiny men in little fur coats. --------------------------
Originally Posted By FaMulan At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action! Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. LouAnne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another. As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris." Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, "You mean I was here already?"
Originally Posted By FaMulan Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers As I was packing for my business trip, my 3 year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again. When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?" Kids...gotta love 'em !!! Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to share the fun ! send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)... in other words send it to everyone.
Originally Posted By Labuda hehe good stuff as always, Fa! I especially likes the cat & dog bits. heheh
Originally Posted By FaMulan The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So, a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?" The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh...no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "My brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children." The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea" And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the **** makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
