Originally Posted By FaMulan Why?...... The Unanswered questions that will Never be Answered. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the battery power is low? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"? What is the speed of darkness? Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics? If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it? If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here? Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer? If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation? Do you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Originally Posted By FaMulan >> A Woman and a Fork >> >> There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness >> and had been given three months to live. >> >> So as she was getting her things "in order," she contacted her Pastor >> and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final >> wishes. >> >> She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures >> she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. >> >> Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the >> young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. >> >> "There's one more thing," she said excitedly. >> >> "What's that?" came the Pastor's reply. >> >> "This is very important," the young woman continued. >> >> "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand." >> >> The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to >> say. >> >> "That surprises you, doesn't it?" the young woman asked. >> >> "Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the Pastor. >> >> The young woman explained. "My grandmother once told me this story, and >> from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those >> I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of >> attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of >> the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over >> and say, 'Keep your fork.' It was my favorite part because I knew that >> something better was coming ... like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish >> apple pie. >> Something wonderful, and with substance!" >> >> So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my >> hand and I want them to wonder "What's with the fork?" Then I want you >> to tell >> them: "Keep your fork. The best is yet to come." >> >> The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young >> woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see >> her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better >> grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would >> be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience >> and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming. >> >> At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they >> saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. >> Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, "What's with the fork?" >> >> And over and over he smiled. >> >> During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he >> had with the young woman shortly before she died He also told them >> about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people >> how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they >> probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. >> >> He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it >> remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are a >> very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to >> succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always >> want to open their hearts to us. >> >> Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be there for >> them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be >> their time to "Keep their fork." >> >> Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share. Being friends >> with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility. >> >> Send this to those you consider a FRIEND. >> >> And keep your fork
Originally Posted By FaMulan TWO FRIENDS A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand: TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE. They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved her. After she recovered from the near drowning, she wrote on a stone: TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE. The friend who had slapped and saved her best friend asked her, "After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?" The other friend replied "When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it." LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BLESSINGS IN STONE. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Here's a good one. Jesus was walking around Jerusalem when he decided he needed a new robe. He saw a sign for "Finkelstein the Tailor". So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on and it was a perfect fit! He asked how much he owed. Finkelstein brushed him off: "No,no,no, for the Son of God? There's no charge! However, may I ask for a small favor? Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein the Tailor?" Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of His Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses. A few months later, while Jesus was again walking in Jerusalem, he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes. He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said, "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business! Would you consider a partnership?" "Certainly," replied Jesus. "Jesus and Finkelstein it is." "Oh, no,no," said Finkelstein. "Finkelstein and Jesus. After all, I am the craftsman." The two of them debated this for some time. Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop. Can you guess what it said? (Scan Down) Are you sure? Here it comes.... Lord & Taylor
Originally Posted By FaMulan You Know You Grew Up In The 80's or Early 90's If: > > 1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE. > > > > 2.You watched the Pound Puppies. > > > > 3. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of > Belair and can do the > carlton. > > > > 4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and > felt stylishly sexy. > > > > 5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters > club and tried to > start a club of your own. > > > > 6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals > scented dolls. > > > > 7. You know that WHOA comes from Joey on Blossom > > > > 8. Two words: Hammer Pants > > > > 9. If you ever watched Fraggle Rock > > > > 10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... > and spokey-dokes or > playing cards on your spokes for that incredible > sound effect > > > > 11. You can sing the entire theme song to DuckTales > (Woo ooh!) > > > > 12. It was actually worth getting up early on a > Saturday to watch > cartoons. > > > > 13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head. > > > > 14. You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja > Turtles on the big > screen...and still know the turtles names. > > > > 15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail > day in computer class > at school. > > > > 16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that > would hold your shirt > in a knot on the side. > > > > 17. You played the game MASH (Mansion, Apartment, > Shelter,House) > > > > 18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and > were proud of it. > > > > 19. L.A. Gear....need I say more? > > > > 20. You wanted to change your name to JEM in > Kindergarten. > (She'struly outrageous.) > > > > 21. You remember reading Tales of a fourth grade > nothing and all the > Ramona books. > > > > 22. You know the profound meaning of WAX ON, WAX OFF > > > > 23. You wanted to be a Goonie. > > > > 24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of > us...head-to-toe) > > > > 25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked > like before his nose > fell off and his cheeks shifted. > > > > 26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the > only female smurf. > > > > 27. You took lunch boxes to school... and traded > Garbage Pailkids in the > schoolyard. > > > > 28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets. > > > > 29. You still get the urge to NOT after every > sentence. > > > > 30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts. > > > > 31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band. > > > > 32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and > He-Man should hook up. > > > > 33. You thought your childhood friends would never > leave because you > exchanged handmade friendship bracelets. > > > > 34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes. (and like > #24, probably in > neoncolors, too) > > > > 35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept > saying I know you > are, but what am I > > > > 36. You remember I've fallen and I can't get up > > > > 37. You remember going to the skating rink before > there were inline > skates. > > > > 38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and > Slide > > > > 39. You have ever played with a Skip-It. > > > > 40. You had or attended a birthday party at > McDonalds. > > > > 41. You've gone through this nodding your head in > agreement. > > > > 42. You remember Popples. > > > > 43. Don't worry, be happy > > > > 44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights > with high top > Reeboks. > > > > 45. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes > still do... > > > > 47. You remember watching both Gremlins movies. > > > > 48. You know what it meant to say Care Bear Stare!!" > > > > 49. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and My > Little Pony > > > > 50. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was > hot. > > > > 51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from > Melmac. > > > > 52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they > were cool... and don't > even flinch when people refer to them as NKOTB > > > > 53. You knew all the characters names and their life > stories on Saved By > The Bell The ORIGINAL class. > > > > 54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT > THROUGH THE HEART. > > > > 55. You just sang those words to yourself. > > > > 56. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird. > > > > 57. Homemade Levi shorts.. (the shorter the better) > > > > 58. You remember when mullets were cool! > > > > 59. You had a mullet! > > > > 60. You still sing "We are the World > > > > 61. You tight rolled your jeans. > > > > 62. You owned a banana clip. > > > > 63. You remember Where's the Beef? > > > > 64. You used to (and probably still do) say What you > talkin' about > Willis? > > > > 65. You had big hair and you knew how to use it. > > > > 66. You're still singing shot through the heart in > your head, aren't > you!!!
Originally Posted By FaMulan THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely. So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you! She will bear your children. and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. "She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" Of course the rest is history......................
Originally Posted By trailsend FaMulan ~ I love these posts! I have enjoyed them so much! And I know of a book which I ordered for my daughter about 2 years ago, that you will love if you don't already have it. It is out of print but Amazon directed me to a bookstore in North Carolina that had a copy. I originally found it on the LP Store. It's a cocktail table book which unfolds, oh, about Mulan, of course; it's red and beautiful. Right at this moment I cannot remember any details but I will find out. It's a little larger than a Reader's Digest; it is bound on 3 sides on slips into the cover. You would love it.
Originally Posted By FaMulan YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM SO-CAL WHEN... > > > The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway. > > You go to the beach and see that real lifeguards actually do look like > the lifeguards from Baywatch > > Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income. > > You drive next to a Rolls Royce and don't notice. > > You begin to "lie" to your friends about where you are (i.e. "Yeah I'm > like > > 20 minutes away") - when you know that it'll take you at least an hour > to get there). > > You drive to your neighborhood block party. > > In the "winter", you can go to the beach and ski at Big Bear on the > same day. > > You eat a different ethnic food for every meal > > If your destination is more than 5 minutes away on foot, you're > definitely driving. > > Calling your neighbors requires knowing their area code. > > You know what In N Out is and feel bad for all the other states > because they don't have any. > > You don't stop at a STOP sign, you do a California Roll. > > You really can never be too rich or too thin. > > You've partied in Tijuana at least once. > > You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach. > > You eat pineapple on pizza. > > Bars card. For real. > > Your cell phone has left a permanent impression on the side of your head. > > You think that Venice is a beach. > > The waitress asks if you'd like "carbs" in your meal. > > You mourned for Tupac and not for Biggie > > You know who the tinsel underwear dude in Venice Beach is. ( the > guitar guy > > on skates lol) > > You classify new people you meet by their Area Code. An "818" would > never date a "562" and anyone from "323" or "213" is ghetto/second > class. Best area code: "310." > > You call 911 and they put you on hold. > > You have a gym membership because it's mandatory. > > The gym is packed at 3pm...on a workday. > > You think you are better than the people who live "Over the Hill". It > don't > > matter which side of the hill you are currently residing, you are just > better than them, for whatever reason. > > You know that if you drive two miles in any direction you will find a > McDonald's or a Starbucks. > > You know what "sigalert", "PCH", and "the five" mean. > > Getting anywhere from point A to point B, no matter what the distance, > takes about "twenty minutes". > > The Terminator is your governor > > You can't remember . . . is pot illegal? > > It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: > "STORM WATCH" > > You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from > California... > > >
Originally Posted By FaMulan WARNING: TO ALL MEN!!!!!!!!!!! Reply -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties, and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It come in bottles, cans, from taps, and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply asks him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted to. After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship". It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please give this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the Yellow pages.
Originally Posted By trailsend MASTERCARD WEDDING >>You gotta love this guy... This is a true story about a Recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local Newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a large wedding with about 300 guests... At the reception after the wedding, the groom got up on Stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his Bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" Commercial out of this: Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends.........$32,000. Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion.....$3,000. Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui....$8,500. The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride and the best man having sex..........Priceless. There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD!
Originally Posted By FaMulan >A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE > >a set of screwdrivers, > >a cordless drill, > >And a black lace bra... > > > >A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE > >one friend who always > >makes her laugh... > >and one who lets her cry... > > > >A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE > >a good piece of furniture > >not previously owned by > >anyone else in her family... > > > >A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE > >eight matching plates, > >wine glasses with stems, > >and a recipe for a meal > >that will make her guests feel honored. > >A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE > >a feeling of control > >over her destiny... > >EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... > >how to fall in love without losing herself... > >EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... > >HOW TO QUIT A JOB, > >BREAK UP WITH A LOVER, > >AND CONFRONT A FRIEND > >WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP... > > > >EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... > >when to try harder ... and > >WHEN TO WALK AWAY... > > > >EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... > >that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or >the nature of her parents... > > > > > >EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... > >that her childhood may not have been perfect... > >but its over... > > > > > >EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... > >what she would and wouldn't do for love or more... > > > > > >EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... > >how to live alone... > >even if she doesn't like it... > > > > > >EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... > >whom she can trust, > >whom she can't, > >and why she shouldn't > >take it personally... > > > > > >EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... > >where to go... > >be it to her best friend's kitchen table... > >or a charming inn in the woods... > >when her soul needs soothing... > > > > > >EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... > >what she can and can't accomplish > >in a day... > >a month... > >and a year...
Originally Posted By FaMulan In Honor of Stupid People . . . In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I have to work on my hair.) ==================================== On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) =========================== On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be???....) ============================ On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's just a suggestion.) ======================== On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!) ========================== On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...) ======================= On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me time?) ============================== On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.) =========================== On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (...I'm taking this because???....) ============================== On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to what?) ========================== On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) ============================== On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) ========================== On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: say what?) =========================== On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) ======================== On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Originally Posted By Labuda trailsend - re: post 870 - <a href="http://www.snopes.com/weddings/embarrass/bothered.asp" target="_blank">http://www.snopes.com/weddings /embarrass/bothered.asp</a> And now, breaking with tradition, a joke from ME in this thread: INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL 1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10. 4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 6. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 7. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 8. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 11. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down. 13. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table. 14. Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
Originally Posted By FaMulan For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like! Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part): 1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads. 6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light. 7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying. 8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and! grabbed hold of the radio antenna. 9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off. Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer.
Originally Posted By FaMulan Men are like.... 1. Men are like ...... Laxatives ..... They irritate the you know what out of you. 2. Men are like ..... Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are. 3. Men are like ..... Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them. 4. Men are like ..... Blenders .... You need one, but you're not quite sure why. 5. Men are like ..... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips. 6. Men are like ..... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say. 7. Men are like ...... Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off. 8. Men are like ..... Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature. 9. Men are like ..... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion. 10. Men are like .... Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while. 11. Men are like ......Snowstorms ..... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last. 12. Men are like ..... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright. 13. Men are like ..... Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!
Originally Posted By FaMulan Ummmm, let's see if I understand how the world works lately... If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant. If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company. If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender. If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline. I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you to sue Bill Gates...okay?
Originally Posted By FaMulan Football FINALLY makes sense.......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
Originally Posted By FaMulan Subject: Through a Rapist's Eyes (No Joke) > This is important information for females of ALL ages. Guys - please > forward to the female members of your family and all your female > friends and associates. > > When this was sent to me, I was told to forward it to my lady friends. > I forwarded it to most everyone in my address book. My men friends have > female friends and this information is too important to miss someone. > Please pass it along. > > A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what > they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting > facts: > > 1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. > They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or > other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go > after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common > targets. > > 2) The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women > who's clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors > around specifically to cut clothing. > > 3) They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through > their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are > off guard and can be easily overpowered. > > 4) Men are most likely to attack & rape in the early morning, between > 5:00a.m. and 8:30a.m. > > 5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked is grocery > store parking lots. Number two is office parking lots/garages. Number > three is public restrooms. > > 6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman > and quickly move her to another location where they don't have to worry > about getting caught. > > 7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year > sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years. > > 8) If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged > because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going > after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming. > > 9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or > other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands. > > Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the > attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these > guys you're not worth it. > > 10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is > following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an > elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, > like what time is it, or make general small talk: "I can't believe it > is so cold out here", "we're in for a bad winter." Now you've seen > their face and could identify them in a line-up; you lose appeal as a > target. > > 11) If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of > you and yell STOP or STAY BACK ! Most of the rapists this man talked to > said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would > not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY > target. > > 12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of > it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yell I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY > and holding it out will be a deterrent. > > 13) If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you > can by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from > behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm (between the elbow and > armpit) OR in the upper inner thigh VERY VERY HARD. One woman in a > class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who > was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin > and tore out muscle strands - the guy needed stitches. > > Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it > hurts. > > 14) After the initial hit, always GO for the GROIN. I know from a > particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it > is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and > make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our > instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of > trouble. Start causing trouble, and he's out of there. > > 15) When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers > and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing > down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using > much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked > audibly. > > 16) Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware > of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see > any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts!!! > > You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if > the guy really was trouble. > > PLEASE READ THEN FORWARD THIS TO EVERY WOMAN YOU KNOW, IT'S SIMPLE > STUFF BUT IT COULD SAVE HER LIFE