I Bet This Topic Will Live

Discussion in 'Play Pen' started by See Post, Mar 20, 2003.

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  1. See Post

    See Post New Member

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    Originally Posted By FaMulan

    A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a Minister, if they could discuss his use of the family car. His father took him into his study and said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the Bible a little, get your hair cut and then we'll talk about it."



    After about a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the father's study where the father said, "Son, I've been very proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied the bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut."



    The young man waited a moment and then replied, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."



    The Minister said, "Yes, and everywhere they went, they walked."
     
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    Originally Posted By FaMulan

    A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to
    Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too
    tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice
    hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then
    get back on the road.



    When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a
    bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is
    so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the
    rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists
    on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife
    to use. "But we didn't use them," the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

    He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the
    hotel is famous for. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las
    Vegas perform here," the Manager says."But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.



    No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies,
    "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man
    gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
    The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says,
    "this check is only made out for $50."
    "That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300 for sleeping with
    my wife."
    "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
    "Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here, and you could have".
     
  3. See Post

    See Post New Member

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    Originally Posted By FaMulan

    >A few minutes before the church services started, the towns people were

    >sitting in their pews and talking.
    >
    >Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started
    >screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a

    >frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
    >
    >Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one old man calmly
    >sitting in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that
    >God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
    >
    >So Satan walked up to the old man and said "Don't you know who I am?"
    >
    >"Yep, sure do."
    >
    >"Aren't you afraid of me?"
    >
    >"Nope, sure ain't."
    >
    >"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
    >
    >"Don't doubt it for a minute."
    >
    >"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical
    >agony for all eternity??"
    >
    >"Yep", was the calm reply.
    >
    >"And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan.
    >
    >"Nope."
    >
    >More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well why aren't you afraid

    >of me?"
    >
    >The man calmly replied......"Been married to your sister for 68 years."
     
  4. See Post

    See Post New Member

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    Originally Posted By FaMulan

    To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been nominated for the best email of 2005. The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.


    Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

    Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

    RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen?"



    G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."


    RS: "Ow July den?"

    G: "What??"

    RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, pooch?"



    G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."



    RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Creass?"


    G: "Crisp will be fine."

    RS : "Hokay. An Sun toes?"

    G: "What?"

    RS:"An toes. July Sun toes?"

    G: "I don't think so."

    RS: "No? Judo wan sun toes??"

    G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

    RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don wan toes? Ow bow Angliss moppin we bodder?"

    G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

    RS: "We bodder?"

    G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

    RS: "Wad?"

    G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

    RS: "Copy?"

    G: "Excuse me?"

    RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

    G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

    RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creass baykem, Angliss moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

    G: "Whatever you say."

    RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

    G : "You're very welcome."
     
  5. See Post

    See Post New Member

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    Originally Posted By FaMulan

    Dear Tide Co.:


    I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it
    all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.
    Now that I'm in my 50s, I find it even better! In fact, about a month
    ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

    My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how
    clumsy I was, and generally started being a pain in the neck. One thing
    led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my
    white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent,
    but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I
    purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my
    surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

    In fact, the stains came out so well that the detective who came by
    yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative.

    Then my attorney called and said that I was no longer being considered
    a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going
    through menopause is downright stressfull and bad enough without being
    a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great
    product.


    Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty plastic bag
    people, another wonderful product.

    Sincerely,

    Martha Appleby, A Happy Consumer
     
  6. See Post

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    Originally Posted By FaMulan

    Subject: 8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS. 1895

    Interesting.
    I would bet that a large amount of college students would flunk this test.



    All this and no computer to find the answers?





    What it took to get an 8th grade education in 1895

    --Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only had an 8th grade education? Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895?
    This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina, Kansas, USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS, and reprinted by the Salina Journal.



    8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS -1895

    Grammar (Time, one hour)


    1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
    2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
    3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph
    4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of"lie,""play," and "run."
    5. Define case; Illustrate each case.
    6 What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.

    7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.



    Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)


    1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
    2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
    3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
    4. District No 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
    5. Find the cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
    6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
    7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per metre?
    8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
    9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?

    10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt



    U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)


    1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided
    2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
    3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
    4. Show the territorial growth of the United State s.
    5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
    6. Describe three of the most prom inent battles of the Rebellion.
    7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
    8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.





    Orthography (Time, one hour)

    1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication
    2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
    3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals
    4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u.'
    5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e.' Name two exceptions under each rule.
    6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
    7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
    8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
    9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vei n, raze, raise, rays.

    10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.



    Geography (Time, one hour)


    1 What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
    2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
    3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
    4. Describe the mountains of North America
    5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
    6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
    7. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
    8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in t he same latitude?
    9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
    10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.

    Notice that the exam took FIVE HOURS to complete. Gives the saying "he only had an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning, doesn't it?! Also shows you how poor our education system has become...



    and, NO! I don't have the answers!
     
  7. See Post

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    Originally Posted By HRM

    ^^^can I look it up on-line? ;o)
     
  8. See Post

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    Originally Posted By FaMulan

    Too Cute!!!










    I was testing the children





    in my Sunday school class




    to see if they understood the concept

    of getting to heaven.




    I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car,





    had a big garage sale




    and gave all my money


    to the church,


    Would that get me into Heaven?"





    "NO!" the children answered.


    "If I cleaned the church every day,




    mowed the yard,


    and kept everything neat and tidy,

    would that get me into Heaven?"






    Again, the answer was, "NO!"



    By now I was starting to smile.




    Hey, this was fun!



    "Well, then, if I was kind to animals




    and gave candy




    to all the children,







    and loved my husband,




    would that get me into Heaven?"




    I asked them again.
    Again, they all answered, "NO!"




    I was just bursting with pride for them.
    "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

    A five-year-old boy shouted out,





    "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."





    Don't be too busy today...
    Share this hilarious message

    with friends and family!
     
  9. See Post

    See Post New Member

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    Originally Posted By FaMulan

    A Blonde and her Curtains

    A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains. He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains. He shows her many kinds and different fabrics of curtains.

    She finally picks out a pink floral pattern. The salesman asks, "What size do you need?"

    She says, "15 inch." He exclaims, "15 INCHES! What room are they for?"

    She says, "It's not for a room, it's for my computer monitor."

    The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not need curtains."



    The blonde says, "HELLooooooo... I've got Windows!!"
     
  10. See Post

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    Originally Posted By HRM

    Ouch!
     
  11. See Post

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    Originally Posted By Indigo

    Is that all you got?
     
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    Originally Posted By Labuda

    Ooo, thanks for the bumnp, Indigo! Here's hoping either Fa can resurrect this, or someone else can come along & post more funnies for us! :)
     
  13. See Post

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    Originally Posted By FaMulan

    I can almost feel myself losing weight....by forwarding this to you!


    You'll understand at the end.


    I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be... Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.


    Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.


    In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.


    Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.


    Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.


    Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."


    Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.


    Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, (cell phone) beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"


    In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.


    Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

    Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?


    But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.


    We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!


    Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds.


    Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds.


    If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately. (That's why I had to pass this on - I didn't want to risk deleting this.)
     
  14. See Post

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    Originally Posted By Brown Monkey

    LoL! Hooray, I found my beloved thread! *dusts off cover* Thanks to everyone who has kept it alive up until January. I felt compelled though to lurk back onto these boards to see how the thread was doing, hoping it had thrived. Lo and behold it was sitting in the hundreds section as an old school thread! So I'm glad I came back. I felt it was like my duty to perform a revival. That isn't illegal is it? LoL!

    Ok so do I need to post a funny or something? Well, mine isn't as elaborate and extensive as some of the others but umm...

    What do you call a snail on a ship?
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    A SNAILOR!

    ba dum chh!

    Ok hopefully that didn't jsut kill this beloved thread. Post on! :)
     
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    Originally Posted By MissCandice

    That hurts, that joke hurt me :p
     
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    Originally Posted By alexbook

    Whatever happened to this topic?
     
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    Originally Posted By Autopia Deb

    It died?
     
  18. See Post

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    Originally Posted By alexbook

    It wasn't dead. It was just resting.
     
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    Originally Posted By Autopia Deb

    And then you had to go and wake it up. I hope it's not cranky.
     
  20. See Post

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    Originally Posted By Sara Tonin

    ick...I think there's mold in the corners.
     

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