Originally Posted By Goofyernmost Sorry TDG, I only had two children for a reason...that was all I could afford. RoadTrip seems like a nice person maybe he would like a lanky southern boy to bounce on his knee.
Originally Posted By avromark <<Oh, and BTW, we threw out one of our sons at 19 because he just could not adhere to the simple rules we set down. We like to help but we are not suckers.>> I think every family has one, my parents had to do the same with one of my siblings, but she was at a younger age, however her violations were pretty major. She was somewhat agressive and had some other issues. She would not let anyone help her, and when you did help she usually ended up throwing away your help and burying herself farther into problems. It truly hurts knowing no matter what you do, someone won't take the help. (or will take it but misuse the help) One question though if you can't count on family, who can you count on? It's a two way street the way I see it, parent's give, you give back what you can. It may not always be dollar for dollar, but it may be dollar for labour of finishing the basement, it may be a meal and getting free babysitting of the whiner, I mean youngest.
Originally Posted By mele RT's daughter sounds like a lovely, responsible person. She's not a spoiled, needy kid who made mistakes and now has no other place to go. They've worked out a plan that works for them. Who cares if she isn't experiencing all of the lovely things the "real" world has to experience Sometimes the real world sucks. It sounds like her real world consists of parents who can help her get a little further along in life w/no hardships upon themselves. A couple of years under her parents' wings still leaves her with 60-70 years to experience the real world in all of it's cold, hard glory.
Originally Posted By RoadTrip <<Maybe it was just me but no one ever gave me anything. Whatever I got in life was worked for and earned. I didn't come from wealthy or well to do parents so I had to take charge of my life and pay my way.>> Me too. And my parents were VERY well off and could have provided just about anything. But annual Hawaiian vacations or stays at the Hotel del Coronado in San Diego meant there wasn't much left for the kids. I resented it like the devil and swore I would never do something like that to my kids. And I haven't.
Originally Posted By Goofyernmost I guess that just proves the old adage the we are all a product of our environment. How we perceived life in our early stages dictates how we deal with it later on. As I said before, and I meant it, whatever works for everyone. No need to justify our actions, just do them and be proud of our choices. The beat of a different drummer and so on. There is no one correct answer. That's what makes life interesting.
Originally Posted By officerminnie >>>> I figure either I give to my children while I'm alive or they inherit it when I'm dead. My preference is to be able to watch them enjoy it while I'm alive.<<<<< I couldn't agree more, Road Trip. I lived with my parents while I went to college (well, the 1st quarter I was away at UW and lived in a sorority, but transferred to a smaller college in my hometown and finished out my 4 years there). I worked during the day and went to school at night, but they didn't charge me a dime to live there. I did pay my tuition, but I didn't have to - they were more thank willng but it seemed to me that I should pay my way in some fashion. They also loved having me there (and enjoyed all my friends visiting as well), and when I decided to move out after graduation, it was really hard for me to tell them, as I knew they would be sad to see me go. And now 28 years later, I live less than a mile from my mom .
Originally Posted By vbdad55 <<<< the cheapest townhome in the area is still close to $250 - $300K, so she will need to save some serious coinage for a down pay.>>> bah! vbdad , now you know you Medinah Country Clubbers can swing that on a bad quarter! < only a guest --LOL ! If I had that kind of coin I would get her started, but retirement getting closer ( and with my company stealing my pension a few years ago) -and I have to start saving a little more...
Originally Posted By vbdad55 <Maybe it was just me but no one ever gave me anything. Whatever I got in life was worked for and earned. I didn't come from wealthy or well to do parents so I had to take charge of my life and pay my way. No little cushion to start out with to make life easier.< no criticism as everyone needs to do what works for them on the parent front...but I gew up basically 'dirt poor' - in a bad area, and had to struggle for everything in my life. In some ways it did make me stronger, but parts of it were such hell that I am going to do everything I can to spare my 2 girls from that. Neither are brutally spoiled and my oldest plays college sports full time, carries a far heavier than normal college schedule ( dual major) - will graduate early and works part time at a day care center near school also. I am going to do what I can to make sure she gets a leg up on the world as she starts off. She is going to teach and while teacher salaries by me are really pretty good, she will never be rich. As a school administrator in our area she can earn well over 6 figures - eventually, but I want her to start out with ownership of a townhouse at least and some money in the bank..and to do that she will spend a little time at home - maybe 1 -2 years. She spent 3 months last summer at home and knows the ground rules and has not issue with any of it. She helps with meal preparation as well as helping her 12 year old sister prepare for 'teen life' in a good way. But as I said, what works for me may not work for everyone.
Originally Posted By DVC_dad <<<We like to help but we are not suckers.>>> This is my approach to parenting at the earilest age. My Two year old didn't get his way, he threw an all out temper tantrum fit in the middle of the kitchen floor...I got a glass of ice cold water and threw on him. Mean? Not at all. Got his attention? You bet. Guess what...no more tantrums, none over the next 9 years. Am I mean? perhaps Am I still involved in his affairs now that he is in 6th grade? yes Do I embarasse him? I try not to but probably do without knowing it. Do I pester and nag him about his friends? Naturally. Does he love and respect me? Without a doubt. Now at age 11, we have discussed the incident which he doesn't even remember.
Originally Posted By DVC_dad It's not about the rules so much as it is about what is best for EVERYONE in the family. The older I get, the more I become aware that I DO live on borrowed time. I will selfishly allow my kids, any of them to move back in. Heck I will be so OLD when the last one graduated college...to the tune of 60+ It seems to me that the folks who scrapped and scrimped, paid their way through college etc... want to give their kids an easier head start, while those who had their way padded for them want to give their kids a sink or swim lesson.
Originally Posted By vbdad55 <Heck I will be so OLD when the last one graduated college...to the tune of 60+ < I will be 63 also at this time....and although I plan to be here ( and at WDW ) at 93.... I live life more for the day now than I ever have.
Originally Posted By avromark <<Heck I will be so OLD when the last one graduated college...to the tune of 60+ >> As will my dad, with more then one heh.
Originally Posted By DAR RT I see nothing wrong with it. In fact after I was done with college I moved in with my parents. My roomate was moving in with his now wife and I really didn't want to live with anyone else. So I lived with them a for about three years to save up for my house.
Originally Posted By RoadTrip <<My Two year old didn't get his way, he threw an all out temper tantrum fit in the middle of the kitchen floor...I got a glass of ice cold water and threw on him.>> Capital idea my man. Where the heck were you 27 years ago when I could have put this method to some good use!! LOL
Originally Posted By RAM1984 >>Am I mean? perhaps<< I love reading your posts as it reminds me of when I was raising my 5. I have a poem that my oldest gave me when she was about 17 intitled, "The Mean Mother". It was all about the mean mother who never let her play in the street, walk alone outside after dark, made her do her homework when her friends were playing etc. One of my most treasured momentos. And yes, every case is different even in the same family. As stated before, we have a university student living with us. Another we had to throw out. Our daughter would accept no college but WSU. That meant out of state tuition which we could not afford. She could have lived at home for free and attended the local community college but would not hear of it. She went to WSU, begged, borrowed and maybe even stole but she did it all on her own. She says she believes she values her degree more than her friends who had it handed to them. Our youngest son and his wife just had a baby. They are flat broke. He quit a perfectly good job, got Federal money for college and dropped out. Then wanted to borrow money. I did buy them some diapers and food but refused to loan them cash. They have wasted thousands. I almost had my husband give their landlady some money just to keep them from being homeless but I didn't. Yesterday he came over to borrow a straw hat so he could do yard work for the landlady. (I was happy to loan him that.) Had I bailed them out he would not have taken it upon himself to work out a deal with the landlady. There is a point where one has to decide to let the kids make it on their own. I did not mean for this to be so long but my oldest was determined to move in with her boyfriend the day after her 18th birthday. They are now married, have 3 children and she is about half way to her teaching degree. Each case is different. That covers them all. They love and respect us. They insist on spending time with us. They were all here yeaterday. Our back yard looked like a Norman Rockwell painting with the uncles batting balls for their nieces and nephews. Though each has been treated differently; we tried to do our best for each of them.
Originally Posted By DVC_dad <<<Had I bailed them out he would not have taken it upon himself to work out a deal with the landlady. There is a point where one has to decide to let the kids make it on their own.>>> Very true words. It is certainly a balancing act of what is best, even if what is best is painful for the parent and/or the "child" .
Originally Posted By Kennesaw Tom I also want to add that there is a flip side to this. As adults we also have to be there for our parents as well. Since I don't have any children ( and never will without a mirracle ) I spoil my parents instead by taking my parents on vacations with us. My parents actaully have learned they enjoy being on vacation with two able bodied guys around. Its a nice break from being around or vacationing with their "other" adult children who always seem to have to attend to either own children as well. Needless to say my parents and my in-laws have turned out to be ideal traveling companions. We have had and will continue to have wonderful vactions and vists. Unfortunately none of them can walk for long distances so trips with them to WDW are out of the question.
Originally Posted By fkurucz >>The older I get, the more I become aware that I DO live on borrowed time.<< This is something that I think most people are unaware of. We take it for granted that we will live into our 80's (or beyond), but just 100 years ago you were very lucky (or extremely healthy) if you lived past 50. Had I lived 100 years ago I wouldn't have made it this far, and would have succumbed to a burst appendix at the "tender" age of 43. Instead, the appendix was removed (prior to bursting) via laparascopic surgery, and I was back at work in 3 days.
Originally Posted By MomofPrincess I think it's lovely! I was the baby of the family and was at home until I was 23. I went to college for awhile and then steadily worked full-time after that, and paid rent from age 18 on. (Only $100/month - but it was the thought more than anything.) My parents claimed they loved having me there, and I loved being there.
