Originally Posted By tink2680 Well I think it's great that so many people love to have their children at home. I am 25 and I have been married for three years and have lived at my parents house for the past 2 years. My husband and I decided to move in because we both had not finished school and we wanted to save for a house. I have now finished school, we have no debt, have saved enough for a down payment on a house plus extra. We are moving into our new house in the next month or so and are expecting a baby in January. If we had no moved in with my parents this would not be possible at this time in our lives. My parents never charged us any rent, they always buy all the food, and even pay when we go out to restaurants. Of course we paid sometimes as well, and I often make dinner for the family if my Mom is busy. My parents love it because they never had any help and it took them 8 years to save for a house, and they really feel like they should give their children a helping hand because they can. My husband and I always tried our best to never take advantage of their generousity, and always worked hard and did well in school so as not to waste what they had given us. My husbands parents are a different story, they constantly give money to his two brothers who got girls pregnant and had to marry them. They never say no to them and we feel it is not helping them in any way. They also let his 32 year old brother move back home because he lost his job. He has been there for 2 years now and still has no money saved and has yet to finish college because he spends all his time on the internet and watching TV. His parents also keep trying to buy us stuff that we don't really need because they feel like they have to for some odd reason, I think they don't want to be outdone by my parents. My husband and I have decided that we will not allow them to do this for us because one, we don't need it, and two, they cannot afford it, I mean they had 5 kids and have 3 to take care of and my parents only had two and are only helping us, and not buy giving us money or buying us things. Besides when the time comes that they,my husbands parents, are the ones who need help it will undoubtly be us who have to support them because none of their other kids will have the means to support themselves, let alone their parents. So I say yeah to those of you who kicked your kids out for their own good! And yeah to those of you who gave their kids a leg up in a constructive manner. I for one am grateful to my parents and I know that we can make it on our own now. I look forward to being able to do the same thing for my kids.
Originally Posted By tink2680 Oh I also wanted to mention that living with my parents as an adult has strenthed my relationship with them. It has also given my husband a chance to get to know them very well, and vice versa.
Originally Posted By vbdad55 ^^^^^^^^^ great posts....I hope my daughter does the same for herself when she returns home after college in June.....I want her to get a head start on life that I never had... also really liked the comment on strngthening the relationship...what a bonus
Originally Posted By Lisann22 <<<also want to add that there is a flip side to this. As adults we also have to be there for our parents as well.>>> So agree Kennesaw Tom. I believe the best decision I've made in life so far was when I decided to buy a home with my parents and aunt. Yes, it's unique. At the time, it was because I was traveling so much for work, I hated paying rent for a place I never stayed at. Plus, I hated apartment living. I need some earth. There was no way in the California housing market that I could have at the time bought my own home or even a condo as a single person. My parents, who's house was nearly paid off but in our old neighborhood that had become steadily more violent and run down were looking for a change. My aunt had recently gone through a divorce and was kind of in the same situation as me. So we did it. I thank god every day because we now have a wonderful home. My parents were always very respectful of my sister and I as adutls. We've never had a run in as adults owning a home together. We respect eachother's privacy and lifestyles. My dad passed two years ago. Financially it would have been a huge hardship on my mom if we had not been living together. As 6 years ago, we moved my grandma in with us as she was not able to take care of herself anymore. So now it's my mom, my aunt, my grandma and me. We make it work. We have the security of our house to fall back on, we help eachother and I don't have to stress about the welfare and care of my mom or grandma. I never imagined when I left home at 19 that I'd move back in with my parents at a later age, but at 43 and single I've very happy I did.
Originally Posted By thenurmis I would love to have a HUGE house, so that all my kids could stay at home, even after they got married, raise their kids, and we could all stay together. I would love to be able to have them around for my whole life, it would be great. As long as they wanted to. yeah i would love that. that would be very cool.
Originally Posted By davewasbaloo "Well I think it's great that so many people love to have their children at home. I am 25 and I have been married for three years and have lived at my parents house for the past 2 years. My husband and I decided to move in because we both had not finished school and we wanted to save for a house. I have now finished school, we have no debt, have saved enough for a down payment on a house plus extra. We are moving into our new house in the next month or so and are expecting a baby in January. If we had no moved in with my parents this would not be possible at this time in our lives." Ok,am I the only one who does not agree with this? I don't tend to agree with people getting married before finishing school, but that's me. But if you are all happy, I suppose that's really all that matters. As a parent, we have to teach our children responsibilty and that the world does not owe them a living. By protecting young people from the harsh realities of the world, I really do think we are letting them down, and adding to the degredation of society. Ok, I've put on my flack jacket - bring it on!
Originally Posted By Kennesaw Tom <<As a parent, we have to teach our children responsibilty and that the world does not owe them a living. By protecting young people from the harsh realities of the world, I really do think we are letting them down, and adding to the degredation of society.>> Althought this seems like a good point there are several problems, which I will expand on. This past summer my mother's side of the family had a family reunion in Vermont. Everyone could not stay as my uncle and his wife's home who were hosting the reunion. Many members of my imediate family stayed at a local bed and breakfast in town. Anyway this bed and breakfast had been handed down from generation to generation in the same family. Often severl generations lived in this home. It wasn't particularly a large home, just your adverage farm house in Vermont. But by allowing consecutive generations the "option" of living in the same home, each generation became millionares. This is really impressive when you consider we are talking about Chelsea, Vermont. When you consider how hard each of us works during our lifetimes to pay off debt. It seems that the ones profiting from our "toil" are the banks. There is absolutely nothing wrong with passing on the fruits of our labor ( pun intended ) to our children.
Originally Posted By Goofyernmost I am not really against kids moving back but I can't help but feel that this is not really the way it should be. As much as I love my children, and it is considerable, I instinctively felt that there was a time for them to move on. On many levels parenting never really ends until that last breath is taken but there should be a time when it becomes less natural and less 24/7. People should be able to reap the rewards of their OWN labors and not have to constantly share it. I wanted to have a family, I had one and it was/is great but I also needed some downtime. The thought that I might have returned home, as an adult, didn't pay rent, didn't help with the food costs or just occasionally helped out when they were busy just cannot be processed in my thinking. I wasn't raised feeling that I had to move out as soon as possible but I did. I wanted independence. I wanted to make it "on my own". Would I have been better off had I been able to accept "help"? More than likely, sure. Would I have been happier with myself because of it? I truly doubt it. Let me finish this by stating that I do not have a problem with others feeling OK with it. Everyone must march to the beat of their own drum. This is just another side of it. I'm very happy with the way things worked out for me and my family. They are happy, secure, loving, caring and independent. I'm there to help, if needed, and they know it. The gene, however, must have passed along because they are pretty proud of themselves also. I don't think I am a bad parent because I prefer they not depend on me at this point. I have had no indication that they have any bad feelings about it either. So, as I said in a previous post, do whatever makes you rock. It's a short life and it should be lived in whatever manner works best.
Originally Posted By RoadTrip <<Ok,am I the only one who does not agree with this?>> Nope... Goofyernmost agrees with you. I don't (obviously since I started the thread). First of all, it is really only in the past 70 years or so that you don't find multiple generations under one roof. Somehow people still had enough independence and responsibility to form and grow this great nation while sharing a home. Children very commonly used to live in their parent's home... partly so that the parents would have someone to care for them as they aged. Social Security is a relatively recent development. Today, even counting for inflation, housing is FAR MORE expensive than it was when I bought my first home 30 years ago. Wages for entry level jobs have also lagged far behind inflation. To compare the conditions young adults face today with those we faced is just not fair. How many of us proud self-reliant older adults could do as well today as we did 30 years ago? When I started my career there were well paying jobs that a person could support a family on that did not require college. Not so today... without college many people will be stuck in low paying service jobs. Yes, you can eventually work you way up but it isn't going to happen quickly. Today college is a virtual necessity. And with the skyrocketing cost of higher education it is difficult if not impossible for most people to graduate without incurring substantial debt. Young adults face a far greater financial burden today than we ever faced. So I am wonderfully grateful to be in the financial position where I can help my daughter get started. She has always been an outstanding student, worker and person. Her level of responsibility has not been impacted one bit by the assistance we've give her. There are always plenty of harsh realities for our children to face. Life's harshest realities are emotional anyway, not financial. I realize having your kids live with you is not always the best way. Our son moved out of our home shortly after high school, and both he and my wife and I were extremely glad he did. His lifestyle just did not fit into our lifestyle. It was best that he lived on his own, and he has (eventually) grown up too. One size does not fit all, but our kids face a far more difficult financial world today than what we faced.
Originally Posted By davewasbaloo I know everybody is different, but my life events have shaped my views here. My Uncle (14 years my senior) lived with my grandmother while at college and a while afterwards. When my grandmother died, he had a nervous breakdown. He could not cope. I know he's just one person, but when I see kling ons and their immaturity and inability to cope, versus those who got on their own two feet and made a success of themselves, I can't help but feel that the parents of the latter did a better job for their children. I know we will not all see eye to eye on this. But I do find it very interesting. I came from a very comfortable upbringing in my first 10 years. Then, through parental ill health and a 14% spike in interest rates (mortgages are flexible in the UK), we lost our house when I was 16. My parents are back on their feet alone. I endured student debt, being self sufficient, getting my first place, buying my first car, making difficult financial choices, waited to get married, have kids and buy a house until I could aford it. And I think it made me a far stronger and more reasponsible person - leading to what seems to be a successful life. All my friends that had things on a silver platter through their teens and twenties have not been very mature or successful IMHO. I find these interesting, because my heart wants me to give my kids everything, but my brain tells me I need to teach them how to survive in this world. To use a Finding Nemo analogy. I find those parents who protect their kids too much are like Marlin, whereas, those who prepare their kids are like the tank game. Nemo seemed to grow so much more with the tank gang, even though he and his father loved each other so much. Trippy - I understand why you are doing what you are for your daughter, and given the circumstances, I suppose that's fine. But what I can't seem to condone is someone living at home as a married couple (getting married before graduation) and conceiving a child. This seems a little OTT to me. But there really is nothing wrong with any of this I suppose. After all, in the 3rd World, China, some parts of the Med, it is very common. It is simply my life experience that has given me a strong sense that people should become independent. I respect virtually all of the posters on this thread, and I have enjoyed over the years reading the successes of your kids, so I know you are doing it right in the main (or so it seems), but I just wanted to also share my take with the world.
Originally Posted By davewasbaloo >>My parents are back on their feet alone.<< alone = I meant again.
Originally Posted By u k fan I might as well weigh in on this because I am probably an extreme case. I am 28 and live with my mother and younger sister(15). First and foremost there are 2 reasons why I live where I do, 1) I enjoy it and 2) as a single person I simply could not afford to live on my own in this town. I have a friend who has a similar level of education to me, works 50+ hours per week (admittedly in a lower paid job than she could) and lives in 1 room of a shared house. I'm sorry, but that's not for me. We treat our situation at home as a house share. I pay the rent, Mum pays the bills, I pay for meals out, Mum buys the groceries. Next week I'll be paying anything up to $300 to fix the family car, which I don't even drive! I also pay for my sister's extra curricular activities and help to clothe her. I work full time and don't bring home bad money, I am also starting my own business. I know that if I lived alone I could not afford to do that. As far as I am concerned I am totally independant (and I know that because my mother told me so!) I think that whatever works for the individual is fine!!!
Originally Posted By Goofyernmost Just as a comment, the other cultures that presently have a norm such as this also require that those within the household share an equal burdon. It is not a free ride. Someone may not be able to pay their own way outside but it certainly should be expected that they share the costs for a lowered expense. My daughter got home from college and got a good job and wanted to live at home and stash away her money so she could have a huge head start. It didn't seem fair to her that I would ask her to share the expense of her upkeep. When she found that I was not going to deplete my limited resources completely so she could have it easy, then and only then she decided that maybe she should try on her own. Was it tough in the beginning? I'm sure it was. Did she survive and become stronger? Without a doubt. I will therefore alter my statement to say that living at home is OK as long as they are willing to share the cost of their own existence. That could be through labor exchange, money or whatever. Free rides are just unpalatable to me. It teaches nothing about the value of financial responsibility or the value of self accomplishment. JMHO! For those financially able to do this, I think it is fine. I couldn't and the results were just as good.
Originally Posted By RoadTrip << Free rides are just unpalatable to me. It teaches nothing about the value of financial responsibility or the value of self accomplishment. JMHO!>> Our next door neighbor lived with his parents the whole way through college, and continued to live there until he was about 30. He paid his own expenses, but did not share the house payment or anything. He used this time to start and build a small business. When he moved next door to us he was a young man able to purchase a nice home in a very upscale suburb. He was making somewhere n the neighborhood of $200,000 per year. He also was absolutely meticulous abut how he maintained his home and yard. My wife and I used to joke about how within 10 minutes of the end of a snowfall Brian was out there clearing his driveway! I would have to consider Brian one of the most responsible and successful young men I've ever met. It would have been difficult (if not impossible) for him to establish and grow a successful business if he had not lived at home. That extra $1,000 per month you save by not having to support your own residence can make a huge difference in your ability to survive the initial lean times that every small business goes through. It is very important that parents teach their children responsibility. There is no single way to do this. Some do it very well with the child living at home. Some do not. Some do very well with the child moving out right after high school. Some do not. I wonder if at times (certainly not all cases) if the emphasis on forcing a kid to make it on his/her own is a way to the relieve guilt for parents who wonder if they should have perhaps done more. If you cannot afford to assist your child after they are 18 it is certainly legitimate to ask the child to be self supporting. But if you have raised your children to be responsible (by the way... that doesn't start at age 18) I see no reason a parent should not help if they can. I can easily afford it. If I was not helping my daughter I'd probably be driving a Lexus or a Jaguar instead of my Dodge. Oh well. I'd rather spend the money on my daughter.
Originally Posted By Goofyernmost RoadTrip, I truly apologize if what I have been posting has been interpreted as scornful or judgemental as to how you choose to do things. I am not in any way attempting to say that all kids that live at home end up not being responsible or not aware of the outside world. It is obvious that this arrangement works for you and your family and that is great. I just was expressing another side and one that I believe. Each situation must be looked at individually, yours works for you, mine worked for me. Justify why I did this because I feel bad because I couldn't? Not a chance. I believed that way before it became and issue and if I had all the money on the planet I would still have felt the same way. Just a simple difference of opinion. What you are doing is fine for you and your family. I don't know any other way to express this. This is an open discussion and that is all I have been doing. I didn't expect to change your mind. I was just expressing mine.
Originally Posted By vbdad55 <I can easily afford it. If I was not helping my daughter I'd probably be driving a Lexus or a Jaguar instead of my Dodge. Oh well. I'd rather spend the money on my daughter< I am fortunate enough to do both, just make many payments. But when my daughter gets home I do not view it as a 'free ride' or 'free lunch'. Even today she spends the money she makes working part time at a day care center near college to 'help' with costs of haircuts and styling - paying for most of hjer ownm clothes etc. I do not expect her to kick in for any part of my house payment / utilities etc as the uptick from her being home on utilities is minimal, and my housepayment would be the same whether she was here or not. As far as food, if she decides to kick in some fine, if not - again no issue. She already knows she is going to take over her car payment, and being 22 she will also take over her car insurance. She will already have her own health insurance to pay by next December because at 23 i cannot cover her. Basically what I want to do is be able to help her get on her feet , while she pays he student loans ( not a huge amount due to scholarships) - and makes the car pymt and car insurance etc. I absolutely feel if I can do this, she is still learning valuable lessons, and I know she appreciates it. When home last summer she took her younger sister a number of places and never asked for a dime to do so. She routinely washed all 3 cars in the house without being asked...so I see her as contributing, and do not see this as molley coddling.... there will be enough financial hard times out there in the future, why start out that way like i did, there are few positives that come from that either...
Originally Posted By tink2680 >>As a parent, we have to teach our children responsibilty and that the world does not owe them a living. By protecting young people from the harsh realities of the world, I really do think we are letting them down, and adding to the degredation of society.<< I believe that I have an understanding of how harsh the world is, because of how my parents raised me. I don't expect to be given anything, if I wanted anything, I worked for it. I even worked for what my parents gave me, I have done chores from an early age and I strongly belive in them. I have paid all my own bills since they started. If I wanted a car and wanted to drive it, I paid for it. Most of my other freinds were given cars and didn't have to pay their insurance. My husband and I pay for everything we buy and do, always have. The only thing that my parents are "giving" to us, is a place to live rent free. They would be paying the same amount whether we lived there or not, so they feel they can help us by alowing us to save the money we would spend on rent instead. In fact that is a stipulation of us living there. We also both have to be working, and in my husbands case, working and going to school. As far as grocery shopping goes, yes my parents pay for most of it, but that is because they like to buy bulk and if we didn't help them eat it, it would go bad. I do go to the store and buy food though, my mom calls me all the time and asks me to pick up this or that and I do it, whether I plan on eating it or not. We also helped my parents build the house. They acted as their own contractor and did a lot of the work themselves. We spent countless weekends running wire and plumbing, putting up fixtures and laying tile. If I felt that my living at home was in any way a burdon to my parents I would never have done it. A few times my mom would tell me that this bill, or that bill(usually gas, oy) was a little high and could we please pitch in. I always said yes and gave her what she needed, and I ask her every once in a while if she wants me to give her any money for anything. I agree that some people do give their children too much, and teach them that everything should be given. I grew up in a town where everybody was given a car for their 16th birthday and never had to do anything. Frankly it makes me sick and I think they are doing a dis-service to their children. One day they will have to do it on their own, and who knows if they will be able too. It's like I said in my first post about my husband's brothers, I feel that they are taking advantage of his parents and that is why we will not accept anything from them, I know that they cannot afford it. His mother is just so crazy that she only feels loved if she is "helping" you in some way. >>But what I can't seem to condone is someone living at home as a married couple (getting married before graduation) and conceiving a child. This seems a little OTT to me.<< I know that some people feel this way but I live in a very conservative state and people get married young. We got married when we were 22 and for here that is on the older side of the average. I only had one year left of school and we planned it all out. My husband had a lot of school left but here that is common. Most young men here go on what is called a mission. It is for our church and lasts 2 years, consequently schooling gets put on hold for that time. They go when they are 19, it's not required, but most do it anyway. My husband spent two fabulous years in France, speaks french fluently and learned a lot about the real world. A lot of people here live at home when they first get married. A lot of people have children while still living at home. I personally don't agree with living at home while you raise a child, but lots of people do it. I know that I am pregnant, but we will be in our own house before the baby is born, and we planned it that way. Because of the "help" my parents gave us we will be able to raise our child in a home that we own, instead of a place we rent. My parents are very excited that were able to help us out because nobody was ever able ot help them. Yes we could have done it without them, it just would have taken twice as long. And just because we have been living at home don't think we have been living it up. We have saved every penny for this house, and we will still be on a very tight budget for a few years to come. We planned our future carefully thanks to the things our parents taught us. I am excited to be able to teach my children the same values and will not hesitate to help them out when the day comes. I also will not hesitate to help out my parents if that day every comes. I feel that is what a family does. I have no problem helping those who are doing all they can to help themselves. And like I said before, I know it's not for everyone, and I know not everyone thinks it's alright, but as long as those who are doing it are all responsible I think it's great. And don't worry I am not offended in any way by anything anybody said, I think it's wonderful to be able to express our differing opinions here.
Originally Posted By davewasbaloo Indeed this has been a very civil discussion. Ultimately it is up to each individual to do what is right. I have come to know, respect and love a number of people on LP, and particularly, on this thread. The only thing I have to further say on this thread is I hope you and yours health, wealth and happiness! God knows there's not enough of it in this world. But in our own way, we try to bring a little more of it!
